What Happened

Bob

I am still really just in shock as to what happened. The day before I'm getting ready to move my stuff down there my girlfriend of four and a half years tells me that she doesn't think I should move there. Of course I was initially shocked, though the way she first said my name in the text (she doesn't do that often, she usually says "babe" or "love") I could tell something was up.

It's in a weird limbo between being a blurry jumble of words and emotions and some parts being crystal clear in my memory. Some of the things that stood out to me were her responses to my questions. I explained to her how I feel like she makes me a better person and how I know that we disagree and that that's just part of continuously growing and learning about each other. She told me she didn't think she felt the same way. Her saying "think" really fucks with me because it gives me the impression that with enough talking it through, we can work through those feelings. But of course now in retrospect, that was just her trying to take it easy on me I guess.

I asked her (I'm paraphrasing slightly) "Is there no part of you that sees us together?" She responded by telling me that she doesn't think we'll last and she doesn't/didn't want me to uproot my whole life for something that has an expiration date.

Now I'm not a bimbo living in a fantasy world. Our relationship definitely had its ups and downs. We had almost broken up earlier (Once during the summer and again during october/november), but I honestly thought we had worked past that. The distance just really started to take its toll I think.

She states we're too different, we don't agree on anything. I told her I like that we think differently and that I like that she challenges me. She told me that it gets tiring after a while. She also made some comment (this was when I saw her in person) that she usually agrees with the other people we're with over me ( I don't really get that comment but I didn't try and go into it any further).

A day or two before I was going to move down I had my own mini freakout. It was about the fact that we had almost broken up twice and it made me wonder if I was making a mistake by moving there. Was I forcing myself on her, or was this something we both wanted. I know that on my end, I couldn't handle the distance anymore and I wanted to give the relationship a real shot before calling it quits. Was I just doing a hail mary, desperation attempt to hold on to a relationship that didn't have a real future?

She kept telling me that this is what she wants right now and that she feels like this is the right thing to do. I naively took that to mean there's still a chance. But as the days pass with little to no contact with her, I realize it just means she's ready to move on to bigger and better things in life.

Now the question I want an answer to is why does this hurt me so much? Am I just feeling the effects of being rejected (in honestly one of the worst ways I could think of), or is it her that I miss completely. We were each other's first loves. So maybe in a few years I'll be able to write it off to that, but right now it doesn't feel like that is the case.

She has such a powerful energy about her. Her presence was really intoxicating to me. It made me feel such extreme emotions, on both sides of the spectrum. I really love her independent nature. She's always been a sort of lone wolf. She has the ability to make and maintain friends, but for the most part, she seems to be pretty lonely inside. I don't know if this is a result of the sheltering by her mom (not that I can blame her, I can't even imagine raising a child during a civil war), or if it's just part of her personality. What I do know is that I thought I would be the one to break her out of that shell so that the world would know the beautiful and amazing person (I'm not talking physically, though that's also true) that I got to know.

I think besides my heart, my ego is also hurt right now. I felt almost invincible with her because I thought we were always going to gut out whatever issues we had. But her falling out of love with me is not really something we can work through. I just wish I had seen it coming. I don't think that there is a real way to prepare for something like that but the quick nature of it definitely didn't help.

I know/really hope that pretty soon the pain won't be so intense. Day-to-day it's a struggle to not think about it. It's definitely the first thing I think of when I wake up and when I go to bed.

A few more things and then I'm done with this for now. One is that she told me she still loves me. My paranoid nature tells me that this was sort of her way of letting me down easily ( I still love you but I don't think we have a substantial future together so we should end it now while we don't resent each other), but I did and do believe her. I wish she hadn't said that to me honestly. That just makes me want to fight even harder to keep this failed relationship afloat a little longer.

Another thing she told me is that she's afraid she won't find anyone else that loves her the way I do. Of course my answer in my head was "Don't, you already have me you idiot!" but that doesn't really mean much if she doesn't feel the same way.

We took turns talking, crying, and holding each other the first night we saw each other after the breakup. I knocked on the door and the first thing she did was give me a big hug. Fuck, that killed me because I wanted that hug to last forever (and maybe even turn into a kiss...or more!). We both kinda said our piece ( I was doing most of the talking I guess) and it felt really final. Most of our other "big" fights didn't feel so resolute. She seemed really lost. She talked about getting a tattoo, something she always said wasn't really her style because she would get bored with it. On top of that she said she would just pick one randomly. I think she was exaggerating but who knows at this point. I jokingly asked her if she was going to dance with other guys at her birthday going out celebration this weekend and she said she'd thought about it.

I know that I should just let it go for so many reasons. First and foremost, I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. It's not just about the doubts, because I have plenty, it's the fact that she's just had enough. I deserve better than that and I deserve better than the way it ended. It's just hard to let go of something that meant so much to you for a big part of your life.

Secondly, I guess the relationship was doomed to end. We don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. She's a lot more brash and realistic about things, whereas I try and be a bit more carefree and optimistic. I thought pouring love onto those issues would make them go away but it won't.

I hope I find some happiness in some form or another soon. I finally started eating somewhat properly again, but I'm still having trouble enjoying things I usually enjoy (seeing live music, walking and thinking about nothing). I know that I need to work on me right now (get in shape, understand who I am as a person and not to ever let that change for a girl), but I could really use an emotional companion right now (and a sexual one would be pretty cool also). It's tough being a freshly single guy in a city where the only people you know are your ex and her friend, and I'm not in shape at all (I'm pretty fat right now) so my confidence is definitely at an all time low.

"It'll just take time" and "These things happen in life, you just have to learn from them." If I hear either of those again I'm going to take a big shit on that person. Yes, I know your advice is practical, logical, and how I should view it, but if they've ever been in the situation before they know that it's never that easy.

Done for now.