my story

Foulwermammal

so, I started talking to this girl Ashley a few years ago, and right off the back we clicked and I honestly thought "this is the girl" she was perfect for me. I still remember the first time talking to her, first tile meeting her, and so on.

so we started talking, she was about to go to her softball game and said we shared each others numbers ( good ole Facebook started this off ) so after softball she texted me, it was a Saturday if I remember correctly and we talked for hours and hours. and I was so happy at first. I thought I finally met someone who I had a chance with and things would work out with. we talked daily for hours at a time and after a few days, I texted her a long message overnight, one of them appreciation messages I guess you could call it, telling her how much I adored her, and so on. i can't remember exactly what I said now, but going on. I never asked her out because I wanted to hang out with her first, just so she could see if she could put up with me ( I have treacher Collens syndrome ) and I feared she wouldn't understand me. some people can some can't, depends. so I wanted her to meet me so in case she couldn't, say for instance I asked her out over a text and she met me days later and couldn't understand me, it'd be awkward, I didn't think she would put up with it, and would end it right then and there. so I waited which was a mistake. so after about a week I was playing scrabble with my ma and her boyfriend of about 7 years, yes boyfriend not husband. but I left my phone on the couch an afterwards I checked it and there was a text from her. saying how her best friend liked her and how she "begged" her to go out with her and Ashely said she said yes just to make her happy atm. my heart dropped when I read that. but I said okay. she's just doing it to make her friend happy, it'll be over in a few days or so. but a day or so later they posted pictures on each others facebooks kissing. and I'm the biggest idiot in the world because in my head I knew it wasn't just to make her friend happy, she actually liked her. and I put up with it thinking I would still get my chance later on. after all she still had my heart, I still thought she was the one. I waited it out. still talked to her every often. and when they finally broke up after a month or so I think. I tried talking to her again like we used to, asking to hang out and so on. I put the not understanding me thing behind me and got over that fear, but she always put it off and said she was busy. she never wanted to hang out, always saying she was too shy. and she started dating this other girl named Kayla and that really just ruined me.

so I tried getting over her, but I couldn't. I kept talking to her, trying to hang out, thinking maybe she still likes me, that's if she ever liked me to begin with, but I had a surgery coming up, jaw surgery, I wasn't going to be able to talk for about a month, jaw was being wired shut. ( fun right? )so i convinced her to hang out with me before the surgery. i had a graduation party the day we were supposed to hang out and on the way home I was so happy and nervous at the same time.

I was finally about to meet the girl of my dreams. and then she texted me. saying her friend came over and she couldn't hang out. and I couldn't believe it. was she really bailing on me 2 days before surgery? so I had the surgery, and while I was in the hospital I didn't touch my phone for a bout 2 days. I just wanted to read any text and cheer me up all at once ya know? take the attention away from not being able to eat anything good for a month at least for a few minutes.
and she didn't even text me until the night before, 3 days passed after my surgery and she just now texted me, wasn't even a long text or anything like I hoped. she just asked how I was doing basically. only 2 sentences, while a few of my other friends texted me about 5 times. and I don't know, I guess I was hoping she would apologize for baling at the last second or something at least. but at that moment I started to get the picture. maybe she really didn't like me? maybe she just wants to be friends. so we barely talked for the next few months, her and Kayla were on and off, she got cheated on once and while they weren't dating we talked, but I didn't bother trying to ask her out since I couldn't talk, but she kept saying she wanted to get back with Kayla, and me and my best friend at the time jasmine kept telling her not to because she (Ashley) would just get hurt again. but she didn't listen, I was on my way back from getting ice cream with my grandparents one day and i can't remember exactly how I found out, whether Ashley or jasmine texted me and told me or I found out on Facebook. but Ashely and Kayla were going out again, and I just got completely jealous and mad too I guess. I still loved her, and I told her how i really felt and how I still wanted to date her, but couldn't. it was a mistake I know, but I couldn't stop myself. she didn't really reject me, she just kind of said she wished I told her sooner, but oh well. so months passed, we didn't talk much, and out of the blue she texted me, just a "hey, what's up" and I replied back several minutes later and I never got a reply back. and after a while I just unfollowed her on twitter, Instagram. just so I could try and get over her. and it's worked pretty much, I mean I still think about her every now and then, but that's life right? I miss her deadly and wish I could've done things differently. maybe be less shy about asking her out. or after she fucked me over the first time, I wish I just ended it there, stopped talking to her and just moved on. but I couldn't, she was just too good to give up on.

I led myself on thinking i still had a choice with her, just hurting myself while she's hopefully happier than ever. am I just a sucker for thinking that? should I have just given up after the first time? i don't even know anymore, it's not like I've talked to another girl since her, I mean who'd talk to a 19 year old who's shy, not many people can understand? i don't know. I just can't see myself dating anyone, with Ashely I honesty thought we would date, I could actually picture us together, with any other girl it's just a daydream and I know it. with her it felt real. I can't see another opportunity coming any time soon.

I just want a chance ya know? I honesty think I could be a good boyfriend. I mean I don't have my license, I haven't went back to get my learners, I just got out of my second semester of college, but I haven't done so good so I'm not going back, I want a job, but it's probably going to take a while for that also. I just don't have any motivation to do any of that. like what's the point? I have no use for a license if I don't have someone to look forward to picking up and hanging out with.. what do I even do with my life? I know I missed a few things throughout the story, but I couldn't remember everything, I'm just in a shitty mood at the moment and I guess I'm just looking to tell someone about it..