Yin and Yang

Kevin

This is a tale of two people brought together but then torn apart by insecurity and anxiety. Their names are Davis and Elizabeth and they are both living in an average sized town in Texas. The story starts off with them both in high school living their lives not knowing how they would change at a drop of a hat.

Davis was a very emotional young man, he had many disorders which were ADHD, Anxiety, depression, and not a disorder but the worst of all is that he a crippling insecurity. He constantly felt like no one cared for him even though he had a whole family who would take a bullet for him. He never had many friends though, he could never manage to keep them since he was so insecure about himself. He would constantly want to talk to girls he liked and was just so aggressive in trying to get them to go on a date with them that it just completely freaked them out. He was so desperate for someone to show him that they cared about him he would go to leaps and bounds doing the nicest things possible for his friends so they would care for him. Adding a combination of that and a general love for people he was one of the biggest gentlemen you could ever meet, he would take a bullet for any woman all he wanted in return was just a little affection. That was the only thing he knew how to do, he used all his energy trying to get other people to love him he never learned to love himself. His family kind of messed him up in that department when he was growing up. Like stated earlier he never had many friends, he was constantly teased when he was a kid, no one ever wanted to hang out with him, and even his siblings never really showed any care for him when he was younger. With his siblings he would always be the butt end of jokes and even though they were all in jest since he was constantly teased in school as well it scared him emotionally; giving him the thinnest skin you can possibly imagine. He was also accidentally taught to hate himself by his parents, because he had ADHD and never had friends all they wanted to do was try to help him control it. For example in big dinners with the whole family over if he ever talked too much or said something that was meant to be funny his mother would grab his knee and squeeze it. The intention being her saying to just calm down a little, but he took it as her wanting him to just shut the hell up. He felt worthless. Until one day this freshman girl came along when he was a senior and she was just open about how she thought he was the most attractive guy she has ever seen. He was in shock, it had been so difficult to get attention any girl and this girl was basically just begging for him. His judgment was skewed and he decided to some things with this girl, the things that were done are not needed to be said. But the freshman’s father found out about it and instead of being sent to prison he was just forced to transfer to the school the next town over.

Elizabeth is a very strong willed person who does not like to put emotion in anything she does in life. Throughout her life she has been hurt and in an act of protection she began to build a metaphorical wall around her not allowing her to be hurt. She has a wonderful family as well, but they do not show much affection for each other. When she grew up her father was so busy with work he was not always around and she never completely got along with her siblings. When they were younger Elizabeth and her sister would constantly fight with each other holding nothing back. Her older brother began to have a problem with addiction which caused him to lash out on his siblings. A thing that all her family have in common is they can read people, so they know things about you that you did not even know. So when he attacked them he attacked the things they did not like about themselves. His addiction became so severe that one night he began to have a heart attack right in front of Elizabeth’s eyes. She was watching her brother cling for life in front of her, this was the worst moment of her life. Even with all of that she visited him in rehab every week because he was her brother and she loved him. That was who she was, she does not care for many people but the people she does care for she would do anything for and she will destroy anyone who hurts them. She lived in her perfect little world that she had made for herself, but her life was about to be taken for a spin.

It was Davis’ first day at his new school; he walked in to his math class cautiously looking around at his classmates until he spotted Elizabeth. He didn’t think much of her at first but as the year progressed he began to think she was pretty funny. They had an occasional conversation walking to their next class but nothing really happened from it. He got her number and they texted every once in a while but once again nothing really happened from it. This continued until Davis finally graduated from high school and going to college. They did not speak again for about 7 months. Until one day changed that; Davis walked in to a Subway and looked around at the other patrons in the store until he saw Elizabeth behind the counter in her work uniform. His feet were cemented to the floor with his knees locked tight, he had never noticed how truly beautiful she was. He looked at her brown hair put tightly in a ponytail, her brown eyes glistening, her smile being shown brightly as she talked to the customers. She was stunning; and for one of the first time in Davis’ short existence on this planet he was speechless. She turned her head and looked at him very surprised to see him. They struck up a conversation and just talked about how it was a great to see each other and how great each other looked. Davis was so smitten with Elizabeth he did not want to leave that he began a fake conversation with a guy named Brad that was in the restaurant that he used to go to school with just for an excuse to stay. Whenever Elizabeth walked to the back Brad said to Davis “Oh yeah dude she is flirting with you, I have never seen Elizabeth flirt this hardcore with anyone.” Davis just began to smile and do a little dance in excitement right in the middle of the restaurant. But right when Elizabeth walked back he stopped and went up to her grabbing his phone and asking her “This is still your phone number right?” She nodded in agreement. He then left in the best mood he had been in for months, after he left even Elizabeth’s co-worker/best friend noticed she was flirting and shouted “OH!!! Elizabeth has a boyfriend.” To which she blushed, smiled, and yelled “Shut up!”

Months went by where Davis tried to talk to Elizabeth but because of her heavy anxiety she would not budge. He visited Subway many times just for an excuse to see her, and texted her many times to which she occasionally responded. Davis began to give up until one night where he decided to text her and ask her on a date. Telling her how he has wanted to ask her since he walked in to Subway and saw her. She was flattered beyond compare but she made up and excuse of being too busy and that they could go when her schedule cleared up. Because Davis used the word date it frightened Elizabeth, even though she really liked him her anxiety kept her from him. Once again they just began to text off and on for the next month, but nothing grew from it because she couldn’t bring herself up to hang with him. Until Davis received some news, he was offered a summer job in Chicago. He shared the news with Elizabeth to which she took with mixed emotions, she was happy for Davis but told him that she was upset because of that news they wouldn’t be able to go on their date. The only reason that she was willing to go on the date now is that she had an out of the situation if something grew from it which was me going to Chicago. She lived on outs where she would only go to friend’s house where she drove to so if her anxiety started rearing its head around the corner she could leave immediately. Davis was surprised about her sudden change of heart on wanting to go on the date, but he was not going to stop a good thing. So they finally went on a date, he drove to her house to pick her up. He was never more nervous about anything in his life, his hands were shaking, his stomach was churning, and his heart could not stop beating. He drove her to local movie theater and they started to talk before their movie, they were enjoying talking so much that they decided to delay the movie to the next showing and just keeping talking. They were talking about themselves so they could get to know each other a little bit better, Davis told her how he believed he was a Gentlemen and how he was just an all-around good guy who wanted the best for anyone. To which she replied politely “Bull shit. I believe guys can believe their nice, but the only reason why they try to be nice is because they want to get on a girls good side to get in their pants.” He was pulled back by that answer he responded with saying “Is there anything I can say for you to believe me in when I say I am a gentlemen not just looking for sex.” She laughed to herself and replied “I doubt it.” There was a long pause before the next sentence was spoken, Davis wanted to make sure to not mess this up. But he finally broke the silence with “I have never masturbated.” Which was absolutely true. Elizabeth was taken aback by this, she was not sure if he was full of crap or the most amazing guy on this planet. After probing more in to the statement she realized he was telling the truth, she had never met a guy truly like this. But after that the date continued, they began to walk around outside killing time before the movie. They began to hold hands, Davis couldn’t put in to words the happiness and relief he felt at that moment. The rest of the date progressed just as smoothly until the finish of the movie. After the movie was done they walked to Davis’ car sitting down and continuing to just talk. After a while Davis went in for a kiss, the longest most passionate filled first kiss you would ever see. Elizabeth had to stop the kiss because she became a bit too frazzled and had to calm herself down. When she had finally calmed herself down they began to talk again, enjoying each second more than the last and their infatuation for each was growing as fast as the United States debt. Even though the whole time they were talking all Davis wanted to do was kiss her soft lips once again but he never saw a good opportunity to go for a kiss again. Then all of a sudden Elizabeth reached out and touched his hair, she was in love with how soft it was. She just continued to pet it to the point where she even put a second hand on it to feel how soft his hair was. That is when Davis out loud said “Screw it.” Going in for another kiss. There was even more passion this time, as if they were just relieving months and months of tension they had due to liking each other but never able to act on it. Elizabeth had a weird feeling during this kissing, she thinks too much for her own good but that’s who she is and so whenever she kissed other guys she would be thinking about what her plans for the next day is. But when she kissed Davis; her mind was empty. The only think she could even comprehend was that her hands were tingling. A person who is constantly over thinking everything experiences something that she has not experienced with this boy. Peace. Silence. It was an unknown feeling for her and even though she had never been happier she had to stop him before things got too heated and say “Let’s get something to eat.” Reluctantly because he didn’t want it stop he said yes. He started to drive to the next fast food establishment until something Elizabeth said caught his ear. He told her “So you were a bit frazzled back there huh?” She replied “Oh yeah, if we would have kissed anymore clothes would have come off.” That is when Davis pulled in to the next available parking lot and began to passionately kiss her again. We will not go in to full detail about what happened next but it was the most passionate experience of both their lives. Elizabeth had to get up and walk around many times because she was becoming too frazzled for her own good. When they were in the car they lost track of time, it seemed like the world had stopped moving and that they were the central point of the universe. It was as if this was meant to be, as if they were yin and yang finally meeting to balance each other out.

He replied back with a long yes and they planned to have another date that day at her house. Davis went over to Elizabeth’s house for a second date which included meeting most of her family. He pulled up to see the whole family out in the front lawn doing yard work, he was paralyzed with fear in his car. Davis was never nervous when it came to meeting parents, but with them he was terrified was as a fly in a spider’s web. He had to text her to come outside because he was too frightened to talk to them alone. She finally came out of the house and pulled him inside to her upstairs living room. They had talked about the previous night how they both wrote depressing poetry and stories when they were upset. So they both let each other read their work, Davis began to read her poetry and was once again speechless after reading how beautiful sadistic her work was. Since Elizabeth only had written shorter poetry he finished much faster than she did. But in the meantime of her still reading his story he just stared at her amazed at how quickly he has begun to like her. He thought to himself “She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in this world. She is troubled just like me and understands how it feels to be alone. She is just too perfect.” She finally finished his story saying how she really liked how dark and depressing it was. That is when they began to both watch their favorite show. The thing that they had realized about each other is that on many key emotional and personality traits they are polar opposites. She is abrasive and will tell someone off when they need to be told off, he is more polite and does not like confrontation at all. She does not put an emotional attachment to anything, he puts an emotional attachment to everything. All she wants to do is be by herself and all he wants to do is be around people. They are opposites, but just like magnets they attract. But even with being so different on an emotional level they had the exact same humor and hobbies. They loved the same movies, TV shows, and ideas on life. It was just a little too good to be true, because they were opposites on emotional level so when you add the two together they balance each other out. But because they had the same hobbies they could always have something to relate to and enjoy together. All Davis wanted to do is make Elizabeth happy and get on her family’s good side, he even heard her sister saying how she wanted pizza rolls. And so after he was off work that night he bought some pizza rolls and left on their front porch for her sister. To which her sister loved and Elizabeth said something that made Davis unbelievably happy bur in actuality started the downward spiral. She said “You are beginning to grow on me.” Elizabeth showed emotion for another person which scared her making her want to jump back behind her wall for protection. It was too good to be true, and the funny thing about life is that for Davis and Elizabeth it did not want them to be happy.

After one more date and a couple more days to think to herself Elizabeth began to panic, her anxiety was choking her and she was at the abyss looking down. This has happened to her before with other guys but she had never has as strong as feelings, so with the other guys she would just stop talking to them. But with Davis she couldn’t, to Elizabeth she had too much fun talking to him and thought he was too great of a guy. So she had decided she needed to confront him about all of her fears that she was feeling. The thing about Elizabeth is she also does not like the idea of a relationship, cannot stand to hang out with anyone more than 3 hours and absolutely hates physical contact. The only reason her and Davis touched at all was because she liked him a lot and did not want to disappoint him even though the least important thing to him was the physical contact and a little because she was in the moment. She also was about to leave for a college that was over 3 hours away and did not want to have a long distance relationship. Elizabeth kept on telling him that she still wanted him in her life but only if he was ok with it. Davis had to just sit there and soak in this huge just stab straight to the heart. He thought to himself about how every single time he gets his hopes about anything he gets screwed over. She was pressuring him for an answer on whether or not he could completely stop liking me now and just be friends. All Davis knew was that he wanted Elizabeth in his life no matter how little of a part she would have. For the rest of the time they hung out he was absolutely fine but after their 3 hours were up she kicked him out. But as he walked back to his car this wave of soul crushing sadness waved over him, he was so hurt that he could barely stand. He kept a brave face on for 75% of the way home until he had to stop the car and just bawl deeply and sadly. Since he was more emotional of a guy he cried more often than any man should but this cry was different. He had never cried so passionately, he just wanted to give up on life. He felt so empty inside, as if angels looked down to see him and not care. He was once again alone. But he just kept a fake smile on his face to please Elizabeth so he could still have her in his life, because he felt if he did not pretend to be ok with the situation she would get scared and not talk to him. They say time heals all wounds but not for Davis, it just meant more time for him to make those wounds deeper and infected with the oozing bloody puss he thought he was worth.

Davis could not control his insecurity and anxiety, all he wanted to do was talk to Elizabeth. But he felt like he was trying to talk to her way too much and that she did not want to talk to him. He began to have multiple panic attacks every day for over a week, all he had was time to think about how he hated himself and that the girl he liked a crazy amount did not give two shits about him. It is such a cold feeling to have someone seem like they really care for you and the suddenly stop and act like they don’t give a shit whether you live or die. After a week of having these panic attacks he told his friend Lacey who was also Elizabeth’s friend for over 13 years. Davis told her everything he was feeling and everything that had happened which she had already heard from Elizabeth’s point of view. Davis began to ask her what Elizabeth says and thinks of me since she would never tell me what she really thought. Lacey said “She really does like you. She thinks you are very attractive, the sweetest guy she has ever met, and that she wants to always talk, hang, and be with you but she her anxiety keeps her from doing it.” He never wanted to punch a wall more, because somehow it hurt more because now he knew that she had very strong feelings for him but refused to act on them for fear of being hurt. But after that they just decided to have a fun day, they even went to where Elizabeth worked now to get food. While they were there Lacey threw out the idea to have a party and get really drunk to have some fun. Elizabeth was on the fence about the idea because she didn’t want to have to pay for alcohol, but after talking with both of them they were basically saying if Elizabeth was drunk she would kiss him. So Davis said “I’ll pay for everything.” So the plan was set. All Davis could think about was doing anything he could so he could kiss her again, he had missed just being close to her, missed the way she tasted, and missed holding her hand. But once again Elizabeth came to the table and only made eye contact with Lacey asking if there would be any other guys at the party to which Lacey responded “Yeah maybe one but he’s older.” Elizabeth replied with “Oh I like making out with older men when I am drunk.” Davis’ blood began to boil at the thought of her kissing another man drunk or not. But when she walked away Lacey told him “I have never seen her do that. I can read her like a book and she was just trying to make you jealous right there.” He was so confused at that point. But after that they stood up to leave and left her a huge tip, she came running up to Davis saying “Hold on let me get your change.” Davis said “I don’t want any change.” Elizabeth then had a very promiscuous smile on her face saying “Oh you will get it tonight.” He couldn’t help but smile. All around for that whole day he spent over 150 dollars just because he had an opportunity to kiss Elizabeth. That is how much he cared about her and missed her, he just wished that he didn’t have to do this, that she would just tell him “You don’t need to get me drunk to kiss me, you can kiss me anytime you want.” But it was the only option he had.

Later that night he had to pick up Elizabeth to bring her to her car. He went to open the door for her but that is when she said something that made him stop in his tracks. After he opened the door she chuckled and said “Stop remember I don’t like nice guys.” He was strangely infuriated by that comment she had just made, he thought to himself “Are you kidding me? You have said I am the sweetest guy you know, but I need to stop being sweet because you hate nice guys!?! Ugh that is your problem mine, just because you can’t have guys treat you nice is not my problem.” But after a while he just threw the thought to the side so he could focus, and after he dropped her off he did something for the first time in years. He prayed. It went like this “I know this is not something someone should be praying for but please let me end up kissing her tonight. Because if I can’t be with her I just want to get her out of my system, I like her way too much to stand. And since I know she has mutual feelings and we can’t be together it makes it even worse.” It was the first prayer he had made in years and it was the most desperate and depressing prayer he had ever made. The night was progressing well, he had gotten tipsy but Elizabeth had barely drank anything yet. But even though she wasn’t drunk she started to get close and cuddle up with Davis. He did not expect it because she was not drunk but he did not want to stop her, he was ecstatic at that moment. That is when he went to take two shots and immediately went to kiss Elizabeth to which she kissed back and it felt like they were in the car again. He had missed the way she tasted, missed her smell, and just missed the overall feeling that someone wanted to be close to him. Davis was in blissful ignorance, and the night progressed like that until Davis blacked out for about 5 minutes. Whenever he finally came to again Lacey had him in the corner telling him to calm down, he was very confused asking what happened. Lacey was just saying “It’s OK, Elizabeth was just a little upset.” That is when Davis was sent in to a major panic attack, he thought he had hurt Elizabeth. He went outside the apartment looking over the guard rail considering suicide while slurring the words “I just want to hold her hand.”
The next couple of days just became worse and worse for Davis, his panic attacks kept on escalating to new proportions. All he could think about is how he wished he could kiss Elizabeth without her being drunk and that she could just care about him. Even though Elizabeth was the most important person in his life she was causing all of his pain. He had even accepted the fact that just one day very soon she was going to stop talking to him, and just pretend like she never gave two shits about me. He couldn’t stand the thought of any other guy touching her, it made him sick just thinking about it and it made him cry to think that she would want to do that with anyone else even though he knew she liked him. He felt helpless because he did not know what to do anymore. He started to think that he was never going to be close to her, because if she constantly stopped herself from talking to him how could she ever care about or even be friends with him? All the time he just felt this deep penetrating sadness, he didn’t want to get up to do anything all he wanted to do was cry. There was this sinking feeling in his chest, he was just tired of wearing his heart on his sleeve to have it constantly stabbed. He couldn’t even stand to see pictures of her because it just tore him up from the inside, he couldn’t stand to think about how beautiful and perfect he thought she was. He broke down to his sister which he never had done before telling her everything that had happened. She just tried to comfort Davis saying “I know it hurts, but you have got to drop her from your life. If she can’t realize what she is missing out on and how you will make her life better than it ever could be. That’s her problem.” Davis just couldn’t stand to wait for her eventually to just drop him like a sack of potatoes and he could not stand the panic attacks anymore. So one night he finally just dropped her from his life, saying “I care for you too much and I can’t stand this pain anymore.” He thought that after he dropped her from his life that it would be a huge a relief, but he just laid in his bed for days dumbfounded. He thought he was lonely before, but now he just knows he is a piece of shit that no one will ever care about. He fell in to alcohol like most his family before to help block the pain that would stay with him for the rest of his life. But when it comes to Elizabeth she had a cool face on her exterior, but she was somewhat hurt on the inside. But not really, she was still protected by her wall that she spent years building.

It has been 15 years since that night they last spoke, and their lives have been lived very differently. Elizabeth went to college and now has a successful management job for an office supplies company. She worked hard for her job, shutting out anyone who tried to get close. She lives alone with her one cat named Golem, the way she said her life would turn out was true. But for Davis after years of rejection he finally married a desperate single mom with 2 children who just wanted someone who wouldn’t cheat and make lots of money. He could tell she never really cared about him, she was just desperate. The reason why he was chosen was because of my security, not because of his personality, not because he was attractive, and not because he would do anything for her. Because he was safe, and ironically she ended up leaving him for the man she had been cheating on him with for the past 5 years. They both had supposed perfect lives for the most part until they were once again threw for a loop.

Davis walked in to a random bar in Austin and looked across to see none other than Elizabeth. She was more beautiful to him then the day he walked in to Subway, he knew that since that day changed his life forever that hopefully this night would do the same. He walked over towards her and sat down. For some reason she didn’t even have to turn around to know it was him behind her, she sat there frozen too scared to turn around and look at him. He began to say “Hey Elizabeth. I know this is a bit late, but i….” That is when she spun around in her seat to kiss him. They did not want to stop holding each other, the moment was just too perfect. They began to talk and share stories of what have happened to them that past 15 years, both of them not sure whether or not each other were telling the truth. But they didn’t care, they were just happy to be together after such a long time. And to both of them it was as if everything was right with the universe again, that they paid their restitution for the mistakes they made earlier in their life. They walked hand in hand to his apartment, they began to passionately kiss outside his door and they went inside the apartment. That night the most beautiful thing happened, they made love for the first time with someone they truly cared about and with someone that cared about them. Davis after years and years of unhappiness he finally felt at peace with his life.

Davis woke up he felt a strange coldness in the room, he couldn’t describe it but it was like the devil himself was there in the room with him, watching and laughing. He looked over to the other side of the bed to find no one there, he panicked and looked all over the room for any trace of her. Nothing. She had left. His mind was racing a mile a minute not knowing why she had left, but then he just sat on his bed. He did not know how to react, he did not cry, he had shed enough tears for her. He wondered why life is always so cruel. He went in to his closet to grab his gun, he started at it for what seemed like to be an eternity. Just like when Davis was in the Car with Elizabeth he just lost track of time, he lost track of time while staring at the gun. He once again felt like he was in the center of the universe but this was a very different feeling this go around. The bond they made years ago which was like yin and yang was broken, Elizabeth ripped herself away from it and Davis began to whiter away. He felt like a parasite being ripped off its host and being thrown to the floor, squirming and writhing on the ground waiting to be squished. He put the gun to his temple, it was cold to the touch. But it was comforting as if it was whispering in his ear “It will be fine, you can end all your problems now. Just let go. Just let go.” He took out the cartridge from the gun and started emptying out the bullets to the floor. Slowly. One by one as if he was watching all of his hopes and dreams crash to the ground right before his feet. But to him he was not worth the sweet relief of death, he lived out the rest of his life in agony knowing that the one girl he ever cared for never cared for him or could never admit it.