just another sad story

mike

i don't have much of a reason for writing tonight, but it's 4am and i'm wide awake, dwelling on a recent situation.

I'm a gay high school student, and i've been handling it really well, everybody takes me for who i am, and i love feeling accepted. however, in two of my classes this year, there was an older guy. He's kind of a role model to me, he's gorgeous, funny, highly intelligent, accepting, generous, and just an all around nice person.

Since the beginning of the year, i had developed a crush on him, which eventually grew huge, and I realized half way through the year that i was head over heels for him. I've never loved anyone before, so it went to my head. of course, my close friends knew how i felt, but we all knew that, even though he may seem like he's into guys, he's in a long term dedicated relationship with a girl. I didn't let it get to me, even though he was all I could ever think about. I'd push through it and act like nothing was happening. eventually, though, it became hard to manage.

The more i thought about it, the more upset it would make me, that, no matter how much i loved him, he would never love me back. I tried everything to distract myself, dated a couple of different guys, cut class as often as possible, stopped having meaningful conversation, but nothing was working. Getting to the end of the year, though, i knew i was going to be fine. Exam preparation and review classes were all that was left, so i let go of it.

After exams, and the end of the school year, i travelled away for about two weeks, and had a blast, actually. it was the most fun i've ever had. on the plane rides back home, i realized that I hadn't even thought about him once, not one single time the entire trip, and that made me feel really good about myself. contrary to how i felt then, i arrived home later that night to be met with everything i used to face, that made me think of him, so, I took action. "How do I just get rid of him?" i wondered for a day or so, which, eventually amounted into a gigantic text message that I sent.

I wrote paragraphs about everything, how i felt about him, why i liked him, when it started, and most importantly, i told him that i knew he would feel weird about this situation, and i wasn't expecting a response in itself. However, i did get a response, to which i screamed and threw my phone at a wall trying to get away from me. It was genuine. "Wow, i'm flattered" type of deal, "but you know it's not my interest. i know you'll understand." i'm not gonna lie. it hurt. I kept telling myself that I knew he was going to say that, but really, I was expecting more. i don't know why they tell you to tell people how you feel, cause it never really works out. it's been about two weeks since, and it's still on my mind every day. I'm trying to distract myself with the summer fun, but it's not really working. i'll write again if anything changes.