And I Love Him So...

Monstrous Angel

It all started when I was still first year college. I pretended to have a crush on someone who was quite popular in our school.He was part of the Basketball Team,certified playboy and heart-breaker. Every time he passed by,my friends teased me,and I pretended that I really liked it.

A year after,he's one of my classmates,and it was really awkward because our classmates gave me a "THIS IS IT!" looked.One time,we're both early for our next class,he talked to me and asked my number. When I went home,I received a text message telling me that it was him.That was the time that we started to build our "secret friendship". We didn't talk in our school,nor glanced with each other we just sent each other messages even inside of our classroom. He entrusted me his past, that he loved a girl so much and that girl dumped him for another man. I was able to understand his situation,and gave him my sympathy.I became his number one supporter. I supported him all the way,even in his love life. I have seen a lot of girls crying because of him, but then again,I can't hate him for that.His relationships only last a week or a month,for the same reason,he didn't want to fall again.

When we were 3rd year,I attended most of his practices and even encourage him to do more. He maybe looked confident outside but just like others,he had also doubts and insecurities. It was in the middle of the school year,when he told me he has a new girl.I felt a little bit strange, I felt like I am dying inside and really wanted to cry.I just gave him a force smile and wished him luck. Why is it I wanted to take him away from that girl? I am not happy anymore seeing him smiling with his girl.I started hating that girl.I started hating him for hurting me.

One time, he asked me, why I can't accept his new girl. I really wanted to shout at him, to tell him that he was insensitive, to tell him the truth that I was in pained, that I can't take it anymore. Yet I only told him that I will text him the reason. When the night came, I asked my closest friends to drink with me and of course they did. They knew it all along that I was in love with him. I started to avoid him. I didn't even text him often.

It was Saturday morning, when I received a text from him. He told me, he decided to quit in playing basketball. I was shocked because I knew it was one of his dream to be a famous basketball player, and he's even good in it. I asked him for what reasons, he just told me, he's not motivated to do it anymore. I told him not to quit because I wanted to see him in the court. He asked me if I will be there to support him. And I answered yes.

As expected, no matter how much I wanted to let go and forget him, I can't just do it. I started to attend his practices just to make sure, he was really there. Every time he smiled at me, oh! my heart really beating so fast. I didn't mind anymore if he had a girlfriend. I told myself, I should be happy to be his friend and won't seek more from it.

At last we were SENIORS, I guess, we became more mature and tend to understand things deeply. He broke with his girl again, I guess they only lasted 3 months. I am so happy at that time, somehow I found new hope for my feelings. A week after, he told me he had a new girlfriend, and he wanted me to meet her. He seems very excited and happy. If before I pretended that I liked him, then it's so hard to pretend that I didn't. I answered him with a happy tone, that I am looking forward to meet his new girlfriend. He was very satisfied with my answer. He brought his girl to our classroom, I gave her a smile. Every lunch time, he ate with us together with his girl. And it was really so hard for me. I felt like, I can't breathe any longer or that I just wanted to die.

One night, I received a message from him. He told me that, he loves someone but not his girlfriend. Then I asked him, what's the matter. He said he's afraid to be rejected because this certain girl is really aware how playboy he is. I just laughed at him, I told him that I didn't expect that the ever playboy and a famous heart-breaker will be a coward. When I asked him who's that girl, he just answered I don't need to know. Somehow, I am hoping to be that girl. That maybe, he was able to love me after all.

Days passed and my hopes were gone. Nothing happened. I continue to be his confidante. Until such time that I can't do it any longer. I changed my number, and I didn't tell him. I went home early and trying to avoid him as much as I could. I stayed in the library often to "study". I am just so glad with my friends, they helped me to avoid him. Every vacant instead of staying in the school, we went to the mall. They understood my situation. They even hate him, for that. They dragged me away from him, every time he tried to talk to me.

While walking in the free way, he suddenly appeared in front of me and blocking my way and said that he expected me to watch their game on the next day and gave my support to the team. I told him, I am busy, and he won't expect me to be there and started walking away from him.

On the next day, we didn't have a class because of the exhibition game. Basketball game with the other teams from different Universities. It was really my intention to come late so that he won't expect me to be there. When I came, a lot of people were there. Supporting their team. I looked around and started to look for my classmates. Then, I saw him with them. He called my name and smiled at me. Our classmates were teasing him for what reason, I didn't know. I wondered, if his girlfriend was with him.

Then, the game started. I saw his girlfriend, she came. I saw how proud she was every time he shot the ball. Every water break, I saw how she took care of him. I even saw how other girls envied her, including me. I decided to stay on the other side of the court. And cheered for the other team. My friends followed me, we started to shout when one of the players from the other team smiled at us. Temporarily, I had fun. I forgot the pain.

Then, I suddenly heard my name. I saw him heading towards us. He looked at me and said that the main reason, I was there was to support our team, not the other one then walked away. Sometimes, he was really weird. I wondered why he was so angry? Did I do something bad? I just had fun. we won, and I am glad.

While waiting for the next game, I saw them linking hands together. I saw their undeniable sweetness. I just felt that my tears started to fall. It seems that I can't even moved. I just looked at them. Then, my friends held my hand and we went outside. I really cried a lot. It seems that all hidden pains, went out. Later, I really drank a lot. I wanted to take away all the pains that I have. I wanted to forget everything.

Time passed so fast, and I acted as if nothing happened. Life went on. I accepted the fact that he can never be mine. Somehow, I was able to smile. Somehow, I was able to congratulate myself for being strong in spite of everything. I am ready to forget him. I am ready to forget whatever feelings that I have for him.

I thought I did, but no, never as I remembered the things he said one night. He was a little bit drunk, we both attended an event together with our classmates. He asked me if we could talk, and I nodded. I can even smell the alcohol from his mouth. He started to talk. He told me how important I am for him. I can hear my heart beats so fast. I told him that he was just drunk. He said I don't need to believe him. Then, he told me that he cannot afford to lose me. If it's a dream, I don't want to wake up anymore. After that, he walked away and he never tried to talked to me ever again. He avoided me. Things change after that night. He left me hanging. He didn't even give me a chance to ask about it. He gave me life, then left me lifeless.After graduation, I never heard anything about him.

I am now 26 years old, yet, I still have tears in my eyes. How could you forget someone, who never been yours? How could you moved on when you don't even know where to start? How could you end something you never had? How could I forget him when he's the only inside my heart?