Close, Yet So Far Away

Luke

I always thought that I was different than most of the 16 year old guys out there. You know the "sex crazed, got my whole life ahead of me" type. All that has it's place sure, but I considered myself a gentleman and put priorities first. She helped me to see that. Funny. Looking back 6 months, I couldn't see myself here. Seriously contemplating suicide for the first time in my life. The Internet is the only way I've "vented". This isn't like me, but so much time has passed I don't even know me anymore. "Who I Am With You" still rings in my head. Ironically, to avoid pain and more self torture I'll give you the short version.

I'm Luke, Ash was her nickname. We were both from small towns almost 250 miles apart in Wisconsin. Meeting through an online school, we emailed constantly and soon enough we were in "love". At least, I was. You see, at a very young age Ash was in a terrible accident that broke her ankle and gave her a spinal condition that would put her in a wheelchair by the age of 45 or 50, but I thought it was earlier. Scars on her face and shoulder. A few months before we met, her horse she was training had to be put down while she watched. From what I hear, they were the best friends in the world and knew each other inside and out. Absolutely ripped her apart. Just when we were meeting her uncle had an unexpected death. All this made her depressed and gave a new outlook on death.

I came along January 28, 2014. Next couple months was a roller coaster. When I was in a rollover accident, the first thing I did when the car came to rest was call my Ashy just in case. In short, I put her first in my life. I knew how alone she felt and I just wanted to help her pain go away. We would stay up past midnight chatting, when she had homework overload I sat at my computer and helped her. Just to let her know I was there for her. Tried twice to meet, but she cancelled. Said the long distance was too much and she broke it off June 4, 2014. Two months later we start emailing as friends, but of course I haven't healed yet. I met my sweetheart for the first time two days ago walking on a dirt country road.

You know how I said I was a gentleman? I'm not. I was a total jerk. I swore in front of her, her family and that's not like me. She said she expected more humility and someone who was afraid to curse, especially in front of the girl of his dreams. We went kayaking and jet skiing, and as long as I live I will never forger how she smelled. That sweet smell, so innocent it couldn't have been perfume. I dreamt od what it would've been like for months. I have no excuses, but how could I have been so stupid? She said she moved on and met other guys... seriously? How can people say the things they do and then just walk out of your life and see others like you meant nothing? She said she just wanted to die alone on her land until she met me. She didn't want to have kids before she met me. We decided on a little baby girl, Jo Ellie Johnson.. eh...

Gentleman? No, she's right. I've tried to move on and see others but the furthest I've gotten was chatting at lunch with a blonde I work with. I always figured that when I die I want to be in a firefight. Armed with a 1911, dressed in a 3 piece suit and take a handful of rounds to the chest. How is that possibly normal? I'm holding a .40 S&W, the mag is gone but I know where it's kept. I don't fear death, I welcome it if anything. The cold steel feels like freedom. But I have no hope, because I'm still alone. I know I can't take back the things I've done, and what kills me is that I'm not her shoulder to cry on. They say suicidals are not gentlemen but cowards, but the pain needs to stop somehow. Anyone in my situation would understand. I'm not a bad guy. I just want her to know that none of this is her fault. Sweetheart, you've suffered enough pain and I'm sorry for every mistake I've made and pain I've caused. Thank you for letting me feel what true love is, you're the best thing that ever happened to me and made me feel special even if it was for a short time.
Loving you forever,
Your President Lukey Poo