I just didn't know.

Madeline

I met her in second grade. She was cute and funny and nice and everything that a best friend could be. By the way if you're wondering, no I'm not a guy writing about a girl, I'm and girl writing about her best friend. We were in the same class and our teachers put us together for a project. And that's pretty much how we met. I have so many good memories with her. She was amazing. we grew older, and soon started middle school. She was becoming beautiful, and sometimes I was so jealous. She always got all the guys, and was probably the most perfect, most luckiest girl.

In 8th grade, something changed. We weren't hanging out as much, and we got into small little fights. I thought it was just whatever. Soon enough we started high school. She started doing things I thought she'd never do. In french class, she met a girl whom she called her "best friend." I realized she was drifting away from me. My birthday came and a couple of my friends went to the mall. She and another one of my friends forced me to do so many things I'm not even gonna say. She started doing the craziest things. I went crazy too, trying to be a good friend and tell her to make good choices. She yelled at me:" What kind of friend are you?! Stop acting like my mom!" I shouted back and left: " Fine! I didn't really care anyway!" But I just didn't know. We didn't talk after that. She didn't tell me half the things she should've. I just didn't know. Or i wouldv'e pushed her to tell me. If i would've knows what is going on with her, I would've said something, done something. But i just didn't know.

Monday, at school, in the morning. They call all the classes into the gym for an assembly. "Suicide kills not one, but everyone around her." The walls had posters with those words in huge bold letters. Who commited suicide? I didn't know yet. We were ushered into the gym, where there were pictures of her. WAIT WHAT?! SINCE WHEN HAD SHE BEEN THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE?! That was my best friend in those pictures! But.. wait what? She was always so happy and cheerful! The principal told us many things that I just didn't know. She was beaten and raped daily by her father. I knew her mother had ran away long ago, I just now realised it was probably because of the father. She cut her wrists, she never told any of us?! Even when she was younger, even when we were best friends.

She was found hanging from a rope in her closet. I remember her closet. It was filled with the cutest shirts and prettiest dresses. She looked so happy and always smiled, who could ever figure that this was what was going through her head? She never told anything to anyone. One of her notebooks for school was covered in dried blood, the whole page was red. If i knew, I would've told someone, done something, saved her.
But i just didn't know.

And i feel horrible for it. Yeah, I admit we weren't friends anymore, but we had been friends forever, and it wasn't possible for me to not cry for someone who had always been there for me when i needed her. I would've done something, but i just didn't know. I just. Didn't. Know. !!!

So please, if any of you are experiencing any of this, thoughts of suicide, cutting, rape, abuse, ANYTHING. DO. NOT. BE. AFRAID. TO . GO. TELL. SOMEONE. It seems selfish to talk to someone about that kind of thing, but it will get better, ONLY if you talk to someone about it, whether it be a friend, a counselor, a trusting adult, ANYONE. So please, don't kill yourself. You may not realize it, but when you leave, you take many, many others with you.