Do I deserve the pain?

Radiance

This was in 9th grade. I loved a boy named Brad, and I thought he had the same feeling for me too. Until valentines day that year…

On that day, instead of love, I felt heartbreak.

At lunch break, he came to my friend group with a bunch of roses and a blushing face. At first I thought it was me who he would give it to; but he kneeled on one knee in front of Jade: someone who I considered as a friend. Although Brad's moves where only jokey, I could see through his eyes that he means his love deep in his heart.

My best friend dragged me away from the scene where the rest of the group are now clapping and hooting. I didn't dare to look behind me in fear of bursting into tears. That whole afternoon and night, I spent my time thinking about before. Of how I thought he felt the same, of how at times his real crush would fill his mind. I was just too in love to notice who he had feelings for.

"Hey are you asleep?" He messaged me.
"No" I replied
"Alright then I wanna ask you something"
"Yes?" I sincerely wished it was the thought of him changing his mind.
"Do you know what kind of flowers Jade likes?"
The tears that I thought have dried came back to me. And my heart tore in my chest. I looked back at my phone screen.
"No I don't and I want to sleep now", I wrote.
"Good night" I added after a thought.
He didn't reply

The next week they were the main attraction for our whole year. And they see only each other. I no longer seem like the friend he only see me as. Oh well, there's nothing left in my chest to be hurt. To be torn out again.

At times they would fight, and ignore each other for weeks. I would have been delightful, but after I saw the brokenhearted look on Brad's face like the one I had, I no longer had the feeling. Don't get me wrong, I still loved him. Still cried when they showed love, still cried when Jade had Brad's first kiss. The one I dreamed about having.

But at least he's with who he wants to be. And as long as he's happy, I will be too.

I love you. So much