Speak Silently

Hannan Ahmed

It seems like life always gets in the way. Restrictions lurk everywhere; life is not enjoyable.
I get hurt easily, I get disappointed easily. Life gets harder everyday. Even when I try to stand up, I fall back down knowing that I am weak and hurting. My feelings are indescribable, you could even say that my heart is literally ripped and torn; my scars are engraved with every second of my petty existence. I am isolate from the world and I am not planning to change that, I am dying yet I won't put up a fight... I am drowning in my misery, yet I won't struggle when I lack air.

Time seems to be moving quickly then fading, I am left in the past wishing for something impossible... Wishing for my past to be erased; yet the harder I wish for it the more I get hurt. It seems like there is too much that is wrong with me; all my flaws, imperfections, mistakes.... They just add to the mess I already am.

My social anxiety, eating disorders, depression and mild schizophrenia.. Should I carry on? My several attempts of the worst, my worthless fight with the blade, my blood seeping through my broken skin... My thoughts of never ending despair and pain. All these sum me up!

So who cares if I was nice or polite to my fellow classmates or those people that I see everyday. Life is just a mess, nothing good happens in it and yin yang doesn't exist to me, there is just bad; no good.

I fear myself, I hide my scars and my sorrow, constantly afraid of making that move. I want to leave yet I am a coward... Afraid of my own shadow. I long to die yet my fear overwhelms me; always stopping me from doing the right things.
I back away from rightfulness and deny the truth. I am a nobody, trapped in a body of a corpse, buried alive in my mind. Unable to get out from my dragged on nightmare, the dream which was invaded by devils and hell; fire slowly swallowing me up.

I am fed up, yet I know that being the worthless, useless and inhuman boy I am, I won't end my life, however the thought of my world turning to black , getting swallowed by darkness, my soul getting ripped into fragments.. Those thoughts consume me. They feast on my insanity, fear and blame. I begin to question myself if my life is real, but only my shattered heart can answer such question. My weakly-beating heart.

I have enough, too much school, social life, too much family time... I need to get out, before I fall into a dream that I cannot wake up from.