Insecure

Silence

5th December 2014

Today my world fell apart.

Everything that had happened over the past few months had collapsed in a blink of an eye. My world had crumbled right in front of me. I lost a battle which I never agreed to fight in the first place; I broke down; fell into pieces. My life was a lie, a desperate search for support, all of which I got none. I carried out a life filled with empty promises, broken dreams and hopeless lies. I resorted to wearing a crumbling mask, to protect my fragile core - to hide my insecurities and imperfections. I concealed my pain for so long - wiping my tears quickly enough for them to go unnoticed. The truth was that I was afraid to be a burden for others; I feared to be a person who done nothing but moan and complain - I resorted to dwelling in shadows to avoid causing such an illusion.

Tears left a trail upon my delicate skin as I cried that night. Each teardrop engraved yet another scar - the truth had crushed my insides, leaving me breathless and alone. No one was able to help me. The saddest part, was that I had to put up with another day, shielding my suffering inside. I came home devastated. And yet I could openly admit that I had brought this upon myself. It was still my fault - all of it.

Look at me and my petty life; I have nothing left give. An ignorant soul, pathetic in its existence - a cold hearted monster dwelling inside others misfortunes. I caused grief to others just so that I could take away my own pain. An emotionless nightmare, full of my biggest fears... I gave up.
It feels as if the life which once brought me joy was now forcing me into a darkening corner, a dead end. I lingered, like a shadow - I forced myself to feel alive, yet the light was getting dimmer with every passing day.

At times I was certain that despair would seep through my sleeves as my disconsolate heart reverted to depression. My heart was left yearning for death; I lost my only cure. If you looked closely, you would have seen a battle inside of me - yet you chose to see only half of my story. You left me breaking.
The smile upon my face was only a defense, to block out the enemy's hate. Could you not see that the light in my eyes was gone? My desire to live had faded as my struggle came to an end. I drowned in surrow, as despair abandoned me.

If you peel away the many layers, breaking through the exterior, you'll see who I really am. You'll see a heart silently screaming for help; a purpose left unnoticed. As you dust away the impurities, you'll finally discover the reason for my scars; the bleeding and the agony. Behind the blade lies a reason - a feeble attempt to break through the outer layer to free the voice inside. To be heard; because we all fight our own battles and sometimes we need support and encouragement to pick up the sword and continue to fight our way through the difficulties. If you won't support me then who will? Are you letting me turn lifeless - dead and hollow inside. So cold...

The story is quite simple, yet the pain is endless - it all started in the morning, I saw his friend. At first we made slight eye contact as I continued to walk past, but without hesitation he called me over. At first I wondered, confused as to why he had done so, but then I remembered the favour I had asked him the day before. Carefully, with tension rising, I approached him. I began to feel nervous as I pictured the answer, yet I forced the thought away. He reached out his hand as I was nearing him, gave an apologetic look and uttered a short "sorry". I was speechless, my smile began to fade as I lunged forward to hear the enfolding story.

He paused to make sure I was listening but of course a crowd (consisting of about 3-4) had gathered - I signaled to him that I wasn't ready, as I commenced to break up the crowd and dismiss everyone into their separate ways. He waited patiently as the crowd slowly began to regather. I repeated actions - finally I was able to get one or two out of the way; yet the others lingered right behind me - I left them be.
When he was sure that I had focused on nothing but his words he began explaining. I caught the first few words that escaped his throat but without doubt I regretted doing so. Although the story only lasted for a minute or two, I began to stop paying attention about 10 seconds into it; I began day dreaming. And in an instant I felt something break inside as the words began echoing in my head - as the questions rolled in. Was I not good enough? - They say that a human being has a strong desire to live, no matter what their state of mind is - well at that point I refused such desire.

For a moment I blocked the world out completely, but was brought back down by the repeated words 'I'm sorry'. I crashed down to earth, I became aware of my surroundings once again. He smiled again, very apologetically as I forced to keep tears in. I kept a straight face, constantly forcing a smile. "It's ok" I replied, as I smiled and tried to change the subject. I regained full awareness as I slowly became speechless and dead inside.
For a minute or two I was able to forget the event, but as I began going through the day, it all sank in. It hit me - my hope was gone. My yearning for death would incise my heart. I fell into pieces.
It felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest, squeezed full of pain and left trampled like a rose on the ground, unfixed. A glass heart, shattered purposefully. The fragments spilling across the floor as I attempted to gather and repair the damage that he has caused.

I was rejected; refused the love that I lacked...
And he got his friend to tell me...