This is My story

Courtney.

I was young, believing in possibilities that were always impossible from the start, that's what happens when you're young; you dream. I always was in love with dragons, everything had to be dragons. From clothes to pictures, to notebooks and books and bags. I was drawing pictures of dragons, writing stories about dragons, fascinated with the thought of seeing movies with them in it. But I was 10, what'd you expect? I started having these dreams in my head whenever I was awake. I had them everyday, it wasn't on purpose to pass time, it just happened. Those dreams became brutal when I was 12, my friends were in those dreams, and the people I hated died. I had no control over what happened in the dreams, and only one person knew what was going on at the time, but the help wasn't enough. At 13, the thoughts and dreams, pictures and stories, became less. I was relieved of it because I was distracted by reality, the madness of it. When I was going through my phase, my friends became rare and the ones that stayed thought I was weird but still had love in their hearts to be with me. All the others didn't pay attention. I became hooked on this anime series that involved killing, how I loved watching it. But I didn't tell anyone I liked it, they would've shunned me more. Then I started styling my hair the "emo" way, had dark eyes and clothes, it made me different but people didn't take too kindly to it after awhile. In february of 2009, I passed out and went to the hospital, but nobody cared really, they said welcome back and asked me what happened, but that only came from one or two people. The summer was fast, I can't remember it. But 2009 was the year I thought was the worst year of my life, two great grandmothers of mine passed away and after my second one passed away, was the beginning of freshman year, and the blood ran down my arms. Very few people knew. In October was when the fights started between my parents, I hated to be social with them, I stayed in my room, I felt safe. The voices and images came back at night. I became very fond of this boy who lived across the country but I found somebody else. This boy, he knew everything, he knew all the pain and the hate. But the boy I started dating, Mike, knew very little and thought I was insane when I told him about the images I saw and voices I heard. I needed to vent, but it seemed like he didn't understand. I heard the voices more. A couple weeks before Christmas I found out my parents were getting divorced because my mother cheated on my father with a man from work. I felt my heart grow weak. I started cutting myself again, almost putting myself in the hospital, wanting to die, sketching out my suicide plans. But the sweetest thing was that Mike cut himself too because I did it. He said that every stupid thing I did, he would do too. I felt loved for once. November 23rd, 2009, is when I first started dating Mike. We fought, always fought, but we loved each other, we always loved each other. The only times I was depressed was when I yelled at by my parents or when they fought. But Mike kept my head up and made sure I didn't make the same mistake. Recently, towards the end of 9th grade, I started watching the killing anime series again, I drew bloody pictures, it made me feel better.I started getting visions of me killing people, but I always told myself I wasn't crazy and I didn't need help. The divorce papers where signed over the summer, August 2010, my world fell apart. Then I got in trouble because Mike snuck out to see me at my Aunt's house, I was depressed, I had a suicide plan in my head, when I got home, I had the blade in my grasp, I wanted the poison of bleach or Advil pills in my stomach. I hide everything with a smile, because smiling makes others happy. I'm still having these thoughts, still wanting to die without a connection to my boyfriend or my close friends. I want to be woken up when there is snow on the ground so I know there's something colder than emptiness, loss, loneliness. Still wanting to feel the blood on my skin, I have no one to help me with it now. I feel like I'm nothing, my mind is gone, I wanted everything to go back to normal or at least for things to be happy again. But what can I say, 'This is My story.'
A word of advice to everyone out there in this world whose facing the same problems as me, the easiest way to get rid of negative feelings, is to smile. :) It helps, trust me. I know you just read my life but I still find a way to be happy by smiling and having people make me laugh. It's not hard, just smile :)