What am I feeling?

Elizabeth

Sometimes I think I try to hurt myself. I put myself in positions that always end up with me getting hurt. I don't know when I will learn and take a step back and ask what am I doing with my life?

If you didn't read my other story, you should. It will help in understanding what I am going through right now.

Well I am in my junior year of high school. At the beginning of the year I was doing really well. I got all A's on my first report card, and currently have all A's. Well a few weeks ago I started talking to this sophomore guy at my school. I honestly didn't think anything would happen. It was just meaningless flirting and him just being a horny teenage guy. Well I never expected it to go further than talking, but he wanted me to come over to his house. I wasn't sure because it seemed a little strange. But he said that he wanted to hang out, so I went over. We ended up having sex. He was the 4th guy I had sex with. I was his 2nd. I knew that it was nothing more than just hooking up, whatever "hooking up" means for high schoolers. I really didn't talk to him after that. We sometimes see each other in the halls, but we just ignore each other. Just like it was before I knew him.

Well as my New Year's resolution for 2015 I promised myself, and God that I would abstain from sex the whole year. I said that even if I did get a boyfriend, I would not have sex with him. I knew that if I did have a boyfriend, we should wait to see if everything goes well for a year. I told myself, and my friends that this was something I could do, and was committed to.

So on the 27th of January I broke my promise. That was 2 days ago. You have absolutely no idea how it feels. I made a promise to myself... I made a promise to God....that I would not do anything. I threw that away for some guy that didn't even care about me. What am I doing with my life? Why do I keep turning to things that are so destructive? Maybe it was because I kinda liked the guy... I really don't know for sure.

So this is how it happened. I asked my friend to give me a ride home from school and she said that she had work right after school. I needed to find a ride, as it was the end of the day, so I turned to a guy next to her. He had been in my math classes for the last 3 years. We had talked occasionally and I asked him if he could take me home. He asked where I lived and said sure. So he took me home and we had a really nice talk in the car. Well the next day I asked him if he could take me home again and he said yes. Again we had a really nice talk in the car. The next week he took me home 3 days. On the second day he asked me what he would get for taking me home. I asked him what he wanted, and I knew it was gonna be sexual when he said, "What would you be down for?" Well I had already told him about all the other times I had sex, in the years we had known each other. He told me that he a virgin. I was shocked. He said that he had never found a girl that he really liked, and would genuinely want to lose it to. So instead of having sex with him, he wanted me to give him road head. I had never even given head before so I was a little nervous. On the third day he had detention and I waited for him in the library. We got into the car and asked me if I still wanted to. I told him that I would feel more comfortable if we pulled into a parking lot and did it. Well he pulled into an empty parking lot a few minutes from my house. I started to give him head and he said that I was pretty good for my first time. Well that went on for a little while and I asked him how much longer, since I needed to get home. He said that he wouldn't finish for a while that way, so he asked what else would I want to do. I kinda knew he was implying sex, but I didn't want to come right out and say it. So I asked him what he wanted and he said would I want to have sex. I said yes, but I was hesitant, asking him if he was sure. I kept asking him why would he want to do it with me, his first time? He said that he liked me and that I would be worth it. I told him that he waited all of high school, and I would be taking it. He said he was sure and wanted to. He didn't have any condoms but I had some in my book bag. We did, and surprisingly, in his little cramped car, it was the best I've ever had. Something about him talking to me in school, and taking me home everyday with people seeing us in his car together.. It made me feel wanted. Like I wasn't his dirty secret. I felt he wanted to be seen with me, not like every other guy. He dropped me off at home and everything seemed to be fine. We didn't text that night, probably because we both didn't know what to say. The next day at school he smiled at me and asked me how I was. He took me home again and we really didn't say anything in the car. I told him that I wasn't feeling very well because I had a cough. I didn't go to school today because I still have a bad cough and a sore throat. He just texted me. He asked how I was feeling. I told him a lot better and I asked maybe we could hang out this weekend. He said that he didn't know because of feelings, and that he might like another girl at work. He said he wanted to stop "this" before it even started. Well it kinda already did. I politely told him that it was okay and I wasn't expecting anything. I told him thanks for the rides, and my parent could get me from school. He said okay and would see me in class. I don't know what I feel or what to feel. What do people feel like in these situations? I am so numb right now I don't know. I told him it was okay but I don't know if it is. You couldn't even ask me what I feel. I don't know if I feel okay or I want to cry. I am looking inside to see what I feel but I don't know.

There really isn't much of a point to this story, but I kinda needed to tell it. If someone wants to tell me how I should probably feel, go for it. Because right now I feel like a vegetable. The only feeling I have right now is frustrated because I don't know what to feel about this.