the boy in my neighborhood

Nicole

My first day of Middle school, I walked to the bus stop. As I stood there waiting for the bus a car stopped in front of me and he stepped out of it. I had never seen this boy before so I asked, "are you a 6th grader also?" He nodded his head and that was the last time I communicated with him for the rest of the year.

The next school year my friend and I were talking on the ride home from school. He was sitting in the seat behind me so I decided to include him in our conversation, "So, who do you have for math?" He looks at me and tells me his teacher's name, "wow, so do I." I say. he smiles, "I know, you are in my class?" I gave him a confused look, "Really?" He laughs a little, "Yes," he assures me. And it was true, the next day I walked into math and took my seat. I watched the door and a minute later he walks in, looks at me, and smiles, "Believe me now?" he asks and I nod my head. That was the day that started our daily conversations on the bus, in math, and even after we got off the bus since he lived in my neighborhood. Our friendship and daily talks lasted the rest of 7th and 8th grade. the last day of 8th grade we were talking on the bus ride home, "So where are you going to high school?" he asks me, I tell him my future school and he gives me a big smile, "That's were I am going too."

The first day of 9th grade I was super nervous. Walking around the new school, throughout the day i kept an eye out for him, but I didn't seem him once, and when I got to my finial class and noticed that he wasn't in there also i got really nervous. What if i never get to see him again? I ask myself. I wasn't happy when the final bell rang and started walking home. But everything changed when I walked out the doors of the school and saw him walking a few feet in front of me. I called his name, and he turned and smiled. "Where are you going?" He asks me as he slows down, "Home, the neighborhood is close enough that its an easy walk." He smiles and i realize that he had the same idea. Even though we didn't have any classes together we would still be able to see and talk to one another everyday, after school. the rest of my freshman year I would get butterflies in my stomach as I sat in my 7th period class, waiting for the bell to ring. Once it did I would meet up with him outside of the school and walk with him home. Even though I called him a friend, he never actually used the same label for me, and yeah we walked together almost everyday but we never exchanged numbers. Also we never hung out even though we lived 5 minutes from each other. So on the last day of 9th grade I tried to take the next step and asked him if he wanted to hang out over the summer. This put him in a very awkward situation and even though he replied with maybe, that meant no.

I spent that entire summer worried that I had messed up whatever we had going on with us. I was scared that he would never talk to me again. And I couldn't have that happen, because that day he said hi to me in math in 7th grade was the day I fell in love with him. And over the years my love for him had only grown stronger. I could see us possibly getting married one day, but I couldn't tell him. I didn't want him to not feel the same way and ruin everything we had built. So I never said anything and asking him to hang out over the summer took a lot of courage, but it didn't work. I was terrified that things were over that I didn't want to end.

My first day of 10th grade was pretty easy since I knew my way around. Of course he was not in any of my classes and the only time I saw him in school was for a second in the hallway. But by some miracle, when the bell for the day to end rang, and I went outside I almost ran into him, literally. When he saw me he smiled and we started talking again. I felt like that happiest girl ever. He acted like nothing ever happened and I was so grateful. That day I told myself that I wasn't aloud to try and take the next step, I was going to let him be in charge of that because the last day of school the year before was way to close a call. But, every night I prayed that he would ask me for my number or ask me to hang out with him. I would wish to never loss him at 11:11. As the year continued on I started getting nervous. Nothing was happening between us when it came to communicating more. I was scared because this was our last year of walking to and from school together. The next year we would drive ourselves to school. This meant that if we never exchanged numbers and we didn't have any classes together, than we might not ever talk again.

But I didn't have to worry about that exactly. He started acting weird after winter break. It was like the new year had changed him. He wouldn't walk home as much. Sometimes 3 out of the 5 days he would get a ride home from one of his parents picking him up, leaving me to walk alone. After a week barley talking that's when it happened. I was walking home and I turned around and saw him walking behind me, I began to slow down for him to catch up and he did, and instead of walking next to me he went passed me with ear buds in his ears. He walked home completely ignoring me. I thought he was just having a bad day at first. But he began to do that everyday. He would just walk home, listening to his music, not even noticing my existence. It got to the point where he began walking home a different way so he didn't have to be near me on the days he wasn't picked up. Everyday that this happened I was left to walk home alone in the cold winter weather. He never gave me an explanation, he just cut me out of his life. I loved him and I never told him, because I didn't want to lose him. I would try to give hints but not make anything too obvious. He never caught on. My wishes and prayers went from him asking for my number before summer began to him talking to me again. He never said a word to me after that.

It was silly of me to be scared of losing him after summer, because we never made it there. I walked home, alone, everyday after that, listening to sad songs that reminded me of him and trying not to cry. It got to the point that as soon as I got home, I would run up to my room and completely break down in tears for 20 minutes before I could control myself. I hid my feelings from my family knowing that they would never understand. There were times in my life that I wanted to no longer live, and the thought of him made me rethink things and hold on. Now, the thought of him makes me want to kill myself even faster. Every night I would apologize to no one for whatever I did. I somehow made him hate me or something like that. That's the worst part, I am never going to know why he stopped talking to me. My heart can't let him go, and no matter what, I still love him. But know it is obvious that the feeling isn't mutual.

I still remember that little 7th grade boy I fell in love with. I go through year books and find his pictures form 6-9th grade and compare them. He grew up in front of my own eyes, and I thought that I was going to have the honor of continuing to watch him grow and I was going to be right by his side. I thought we were going to grow old together. Now, I don't know how much longer I have myself. Everyday is a struggle, and I can never get him off my mind. I still love him, no matter how much he has hurt me, and I always will.

I used to say I would do anything so I wouldn't lose him. Now I say I would do anything to just hear him say my same, just one more time and to get an explanation of why he hates me.