She was Amber

Jack

I met her one September night on a fairly popular dating site. She messaged me out of nowhere and we struck up a conversation. I don't know what it was about her, but she instantly had my full attention. We talked all night. At least 6 hours of delightful conversation. I was hooked. We met in person that morning. She was wonderful. Beautiful, funny, intelligent... everything I could have hoped for. Almost instantly we were inseparable. We never spent more than a day apart from the first moment. We spent many wonderful days in that fashion. She, meeting me right as I left work. Having breakfast together. Exploring our shared interests, learning the things we had in common, just enjoying the company of one another.

In less than a month she was spending more time at my home than hers. I could not have been happier. One day, while we were together at the end of September, the call came. Her ex husband had made the decision to end his life. As she sobbed in my arms I was at a loss as to how I could comfort her. The tears streaming down her face were like knives through my soul. I wanted to make her better but couldn't. I was speechless. She looked so fragile and vulnerable. She begged me not to make her leave. I didn't want her to go at all, but said I needed to sleep for work that night. So after she was able to collect herself, she left for her home. We never really talked about that later, but upon reflection I feel I should have asked her to sleep at my place that day.

It wasn't long after that she said the words I'd longed my entire life to hear...

"I love you" she said, while laying in my arms in my bed. "I know you do" I replied. I knew deep in my heart that I loved her beyond reason but I couldn't say it aloud just yet. "You don't have to say it back to me" she said, " I just wanted you to know how I felt." Those words reverberated in my mind. "Does she actually love me?" I thought. I wish I could have said it back to her then, but I was worried she would tire of me very soon. If I admitted my feelings for her it would destroy me when she ultimately decided I was no longer worth her time or effort. It went on like this for a while. Her declaring a love for me, me acknowledging her but not declaring my love for her. She never minded, but I eventually told her my fears. After some discussion my fears had abated. She really did love me! I was in heaven. I could finally articulate how I felt about her without fear of ultimate rejection.

Some weeks went by with us being inseparable. Eventually her parents became curious as to the new guy who had so completely captured their daughters attention. "My mom wants you to come to dinner so she can meet you, what would you like to have?" she asked me one morning. "Lasagna is my absolute favorite food. If we had that, nothing could keep me away" came my reply. I suffer from social anxiety and meeting her parents for the first time was daunting. I made sure she informed them of how shy and quiet I absolutely would be around them. They were more than accommodating. Her mother was one of the sweetest women I've ever met in my life. Her stepfather, while kind of gruff, was a decent and humorous guy. A few days later I asked her what opinion they had formed of me. "They really like you" she said, "they can tell you make me incredibly happy." Those words made my heart sing. I made her happy! I was joyous. Sadly, joy doesn't last... happiness fades... love grows into resentment...

I wish I had known then what I know now… it would have saved me a lot of heartache…

The time passed quickly. We celebrated Halloween together. Nothing special, just a comfortable night together. Thanksgiving came and went, with meals at both our families homes. Christmas was magical for me. It was one of the only times in my adult life that I actually looked forward to the holiday of togetherness. I’d never had someone special to spend the holidays with. I wanted to get her a gift, but she told me no, that she would feel bad if I got her one. So i took her at her word and didn’t buy one. It’s a regret I still hold deep in my heart. We spent christmas together, visiting both of our families, giving and receiving gifts, laughing, having wonderful food… Then out of the blue, she exclaims she has a gift for me. I felt so bad accepting it. It was one of the most thoughtful gifts I’d ever received. Oversized gaming dice and two sets of plugs for my stretched earlobes. I felt so small and worthless because I had not gotten her anything but she told me that it was okay, she didn’t want anything other than to be with me. I still felt bad. Like I was a loser and utterly useless and completely unworthy of this woman. Still, she smiled at me and destroyed my fears. The tears that flow to this day are a bitter seasoning on the memories of how we used to be…

The time came to renew my lease, so I asked if she would like to officially move in with me. She said yes immediately. I was thrilled. That meant every time I laid my head down she would be there with me. Every time I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was her beautiful face. I had invited her into my sanctuary as a permanent resident and she had accepted! It was a joyous day for me.

To say our relationship was without its troubles would be a lie. We argued. Hurt each others feelings. I regret so much the times I lost my temper and cursed her to her face. Tempers flare and emotions run high and people get hurt. Sadly that’s the reality of it. I wish I could have controlled my temper. My sharp tongue. My emotions in general. I would give anything to go back to a time when I made her happy. When I was happy…

Winter turned to spring. We got our library cards to help sate our mutual love of books and stories. It became a ritual for us to go there every few weeks and search for things to read. I know I wasn’t the most patient person, but watching her get lost among the stacks of books, searching for something that caught her eye made me love her even more. Here was someone who shared my admiration of the written word. We helped each other search for books, recommended stories to one another, and just generally explored the vast repository of knowledge and ideas.

While we had our problems I was happier than I had ever been. I wanted to spend my life with this woman. I knew it in some primordial and ancient part of my being. "She's the one" it said. "If you let her get away you'll never be the same as you were before" it screamed into my soul.

The summer passed fairly quickly for me. We played games. We painted. We read so many books. I had grown complacent while she had grown to resent me. I should have seen it. I should have made more of an effort to be the man she deserved.

One night during the following September, shortly after the one year mark of being together, she was distant in our conversation. I asked what was wrong and if she was okay. She told me she wanted to move out. I reacted in a terribly vicious manner. I told her if she was going to leave to be gone by morning. I should have waited. I shouldn't have let my emotions rule me the way I did. We should have talked about it and tried to fix things. I was a beast and reacted in a primal and fearful way. I'll never forgive myself for that.

Now she's gone from my life. Possibly forever. She loves someone new. Someone better. I'm alone and I deserve even worse than that. I guess we get what we deserve in the end...

I still go to the library alone occasionally. For some reason I always expect to see her car in the parking lot, but it’s never there...