Letter to my Almost Lover

Tianna

I remember when I first saw you. I didn't see all of you at first, I just saw your eyes. They were a piercing blue that held me for what felt like a millennium. What followed was your laughter; it was the type of laughter that was contagious - everyone around you would laugh, or at least smile. You had an ability to light up a room. I first worked up the courage to talk to you in our P.E. class. You were a senior, I was a freshman. The difference alone made me nervous. I don't recall what we spoke about, but I felt an immediate connection with you. You began to give me rides to school; I always looked forward to those mornings. Once, I missed my bus and, instead of walking (which would have been faster) I called you. You came and got me, even though you didn’t have class until nine and I had to be to class by eight. I loved those mornings.

I remember when I first kissed you. I was awkward, I'm sure of it. New to the "kissing scene," I must have seemed so innocent to you. You, being older, were so relaxed about it. I wish I would have been. It was before school, when you had picked me up and I had brought you some cookies I had made the night before. I teased you, demanding a kiss in exchange for a cookie. Although I had been half-joking, I hadn't expected you to accept the offer. It was sunny that day.

I remember I asked you to be my boyfriend. You said no, and I was so confused. I asked you why, and you told me that your parents said I was too young for you. I knew you were lying, but even the lies you told were honey sweet. I was sad, but I didn't push it because I did not want to risk losing you as a friend. The next week, I saw you with another girl - a junior. I didn't know her name, and as much as I wanted to be angry with her, I could not. Who wouldn't want to be with you if they had the chance? More than anything, I wanted to be with you. I was jealous of her, and how she was yours and you were hers. You stopped talking to me after you started dating her.

I remember when you graduated. I had a boyfriend and you had a new girlfriend - a beautiful Hispanic girl in your grade. You started speaking to me again after you moved away. Occasionally you would come to visit and we would spend the day together. I loved those moments. My favorite was when we went to the beach and played in the water. Afterwards, you asked me if I was hungry. I said yes, and you wanted to know where to eat. "What are you in the mood for? Taco Bell? Portside?" I had never been to the Portside, but seeing as how you compared it to Taco Bell, I suspected it was similar. It wasn't. I'd never been in a restaurant so nice, and here I was covered in sand, hair frizzy, and clothes damp. Your beautiful blue eyes lit up and you laughed when I expressed my embarrassment for looking so disheveled in such a beautiful restaurant. "It's fine, no one will notice," you told me as we walked into the fanciest restaurant I had ever been to in my life, with a view overlooking the ocean. Afterward, we didn't speak for close to a year.

I remember the summer, when you came back to visit, and requested that we hang out. I was so excited. We spent several days together, exploring beaches and going out to eat. You took me down to an old childhood play area that you used to spend your hours at. We explored the trails, and I worked up the courage to kiss you again. You kissed me back, and then pulled away shaking your head and laughing. "You do something to me, you know that? Something about you... I can't seem to help it." I was confused, but when you looked me up and down, your blue eyes caressed every inch of my body. I felt more feminine in that moment then I had with any other man. We made love that day, and it was the first time I had ever seen you nervous.

I remember when you left. I begged you to be mine, but you told me no. You gave me another excuse, and I was heartbroken, but your lies are always sweet so I forgave you. I didn't hear from you for a long time, and when I saw you unannounced back home, you were with another girl. I smiled, even though I wanted to cry, when I greeted you. You were surprised to see me at the same store, and it was a terribly awkward situation. But I made no mention to our past romance with your new girl clinging to your arm like I always wished I had been able to. She was pretty - you always seemed to have pretty girls. I'm sure she was nice too. I just wished I was her.

I remember the last time I saw you. You were sitting across from me with a Lemongrass beer and an oversized pretzel in front of you. We reminisced on the past, and discussed future plans. You told me about your change in majors, and what you had done during the summer. I sat and listened. Even then, I was shy to look at you, because when I did, you would look back at me with those piercing blue eyes. I always felt so vulnerable. You looked so much like a man. Your strawberry blonde hair was cut short, and you had grown out a beard. I wanted to lean across the table and kiss you. I wanted to whisper my love to you, but I couldn’t bear rejection from you again.

I wonder when I'll next see you. Even after all these years, I still love you. I wonder if you ever think back and remember me. Hardly a day goes by when I don’t think of you.