Losing hope for love.

Tom

I keep telling myself there's someone out there for me, but each day that passes, it just gets harder and harder, and i'm losing hope. What if I've already met her and I don’t even know it? What if I've already lost her? This is how I feel every day. I can’t get past the feeling that I've found her but i’ll never be with her. Whether its because shes far too beautiful, smart, kind or any of the other numerous things I could list off of the top of my head, I just can’t fathom the thought that I could end up being happy. Why can’t I be happy? I long to be in love, that feeling of happiness, that motivation to be the best person I could be, I want it back. I want to be her best friend, her confidant, a shoulder for her to cry on, a presence that would cheer her up and bring her happiness, everything she could ever want. Yet, here I am, alone, and these are just words, no matter how much I believe in them, no matter how much I know that I could be that person, it means nothing, because I sit here, alone. What do I have to do? How much pain, sadness, depression do I have to endure to find my happiness? I try my damnedest to be a good person, I don’t want to be the person that brings everyone down, I want to be the one that makes people happy and raise their spirits, they’d see me and their day gets the slightest bit better, I had that for a time, but now… Now i’m a shell of the person I once was. I let it take me down, how can I ever expect to find someone this way? I’m on a highway of pain with no off-ramp and only she can pull me off of it.

I feel as if I know who it is I want to be with. Shes an amazing girl, kind hearted, impossibly beautiful, intelligent, and man is she just the entire package. But she's involved with someone. This is my story, thinking I had truly found the one for me.

Seven months ago I had a dream about this girl, a girl I hadn't seen since grade school. It was surreal to me, I remembered every detail of the dream, I took her name and looked her up on Facebook, and wow, just wow, what a beautiful woman she had become… I sat there, thinking to myself, a 245 pound 20 year old, with absolutely nothing going for him, no self confidence at all, just a waste of space in his own opinion. Why would she ever consider catching up or going out with me? Why would she even entertain the thought of it? So I wallowed in my own self pity. Two months, two whole months I spent depressed and just dejected in life but one day, I said to myself, Fuck it, I’m getting my ass in shape and i’m going to talk to this girl again. So here I am, dead set on becoming the best version of me.

Fast forward three months later, now February, and I had another dream about her. To me, it was my brain telling me go for it, shes the one you belong with so I did. I now weighed 180 pounds, was at the gym 5-7 days a week and was in the best shape of my life and I finally, FINALLY, had the confidence to reach out to her and reconnect after nine years. A girl that was my first crush, the girl I viewed as the perfect 10, the girl I had always dreamed i’d spend my life with as a kid in elementary school (young love was so much easier), she was just perfect to me. So there I was, I bucked up and sent her a friend request along with a message telling her I had just stumbled onto her account through Facebook. And so there it was, nine long years. 5 grueling months of becoming the best person I could be, this was the payoff. We talked about our lives, school, and what we aspired to be, and I couldn't get over the fact that she was still everything I had ever wanted, I was just in awe. So I asked her, would you like to grab coffee some time and continue catching up?

She said Yes. SHE SAID YES. Everything was just sunshine and rainbows to me after that. I was on cloud 9 and nothing was bringing me down. She told me not that weekend but the following weekend she would be free, so I dropped everything and made sure that entire weekend was free and clear. I let a few days pass and I messaged her again to follow up and asked her if she was alright with my choice of coffee shop, I hadn't gotten a response. I spent the entire day in front of my computer, waiting hoping… but nothing… So the following day, I go to the gym… sad, dejected and just purely depressed. I check my phone and I saw in my news feed that she was at the vet and her dog was sick. So I sent her a message, I said “I saw what you posted about Sawyer, I know it may not mean much coming from me but if you need anything, help or otherwise I'd be glad to help. Hope everything goes well for him.” I felt that at least she would know I didn't harbor any hard feelings and try to convey to her that she didn't have to worry about hurting my feelings as childish as that sounds. She responded to my surprise “Hey! Sorry I haven't gotten back in touch. I've heard about that place! Sounds good to me and thanks for your well wishes to Sawyer! He is home and okay! Just a little worn out and sleepy from medicine” I was so happy and I struck up another conversation, just letting her know I was someone she could talk to if she needed anything. I cracked some jokes trying to make sure she was happy and I just wanted her to be okay, you know?

Now comes the hardest part, something so simple, I could have known from the start if I had just informed myself better. She has a boyfriend. 4 months into their relationship. I was just crushed. I should have just checked, I should have just asked, but I didn't. I was an idiot that went in blind and walked straight into a wall. She told me later the next day she had to pick up some shifts at work to pay her dogs vet bill so I told her we’d just do it some other time and it was no problem at all. In the end, this was the last thing she said to me about a week ago “Hey, sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. It was really nice catching up with you and that you reached out, but I do have a serious boyfriend and I just don't think it would be appropriate to get together, as we haven't seen each other in 9+ years. It was definitely nice hearing from you and I wish you luck with everything! Take care :) “ And there it was, my heart was destroyed. Not by any fault of hers, but by my own. I told her I understood, and that it wasn't my intention to put her in that situation… And now I just.. I don’t know what to do anymore… I wanted so bad for it to happen, to see her in person again after all this time. There was no excuse for me to not click two buttons to see that she was in a relationship. It was and is my own fault and I did this to myself. But that doesn't help the pain and the pain won't go away. I’m lost, sad, depressed, and I just want to cry. I felt after all this time, the hours we spent talking about our lives, and catching up after all this damn time, she was really the girl I was going to spend my life with, the girl I had already walked down the aisle once for our communion, the girl I drew houses with that we planned on living in together in second grade, the girl I shared my crayons with, the girl that for a time was my best friend. All this pain, no anger, just pain and sadness.