I Died That Night
Silence
12 Apr, 2015 05:18 PM
I don't really remember a time when I haven't experienced suicidal thoughts; they've been flooding my mind on and off for the past few years. It seems natural to say that I never really experienced an urge to live. I never understood how other people could say "I want to live forever" or "I don't want to die" and mean it.
On the 4th of April 2015 at around 2:00pm I did something that I have been hesitant about for weeks. I don't even know the reason as to why I did it, I wasn't really feeling down or suicidal, instead I felt cruelly happy to hold the power to take my own life, as pathetic as it may sound.
I held the morphine pills in my hand; thoughts racing through my head 'what will others think?' 'will they cry?' 'what does death feel like?'...I remained calm and open to death - I had the perfect timing in place too. My family were out shopping for Easter as I was all alone with plenty of time on my hands. I got to work. removing them from the packet, 10 at a time and either crushing some of them or swallowing some whole. 60 in total. I washed it down with alcohol in hope to make it work faster. Then it hit me...'what if it somehow fails?' I recalled the event two years ago - I didn't want to be admitted to hospital again.
Of course, it was a really slow reaction - it dragged on for the whole day. I began to doubt everything, that was until I began to feel drowsy - with every minute I felt just a bit more sleepy. At around 11:00pm I went to bed, just waiting for it to happen already. I began drifting away, falling asleep.
And all I remember was that it was the most peaceful sleep I had - so tranquil and devouring yet so dark and meaningless.
Suddenly, around 4:00am on Easter day I awoke to the loudest ringing in my ears. I was almost as if sleep walking but awake and alert - my head felt heavy, I felt so distant, I couldn't feel anything except for this crushing feeling in my chest. I had to force each breath; the feeling was somewhat indescribable.
I sat up on my bed with the help of someone, bursting out crying, only to realize that there were 4 medics or what I nickname them "ambulance people" all crowded around me in my room. One sat next to me, hand around a lamenting me, holding an oxygen mask to my face. I automatically grabbed the oxygen mask, took it off to see if it would ease my pain when breathing. Confused I looked around my small room - wires on the floor alongside a defibrillator and a lady crouching down beside it. The man put the oxygen mask to my face again as I struggled to take another two or three breaths. I looked at my left arm; a drip had been put there and bandaged up. Of course, being stubborn I took the oxygen mask off again shocked, beginning to feel thirsty and almost begging them to give me something to drink. Reluctant at first, the one sitting next to me gave me a bottle of water and told me to drink "only a little". I felt no shame in having more than told to, and he had to force it away from me. I put the oxygen mask back on, trembling.
They proceeded to help me up and led me as my cries turned to sobbing. We made our gradual way out of my room; one of them securing me as I began shouting "leave me alone, I don't want you to save me" and "why did you save me?". Going down the stairs felt an endless trip as I kept shouting out the same phrases through each sob. They led me outside and I began to groan that I was cold - I was aware of one of them muttering something to me but I am not really sure what it was. They led me into the ambulance and I just lay on the bed, curled up with a blanket, crying and questioning why they saved me then I hushed.
The ride to the hospital was quick and I was then taken on the bed or stretcher down through a corridor and into a small room. There I found that they had performed CPR and injected Naloxone (an antidote for morphine) through the drip. I had also learnt that I was found dead; my heart wasn't beating and I wasn't breathing. And to this day I believe it should have stayed that way because despite being brought back to life, I died that night.
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Comments
Post a Comment27 Apr, 2015 10:39 PM
Hey my sister life is so sweet why do u want to kill yourslef.god loves u .do u know how to created life no matter what dont u ever take your life ok.god bless u.
28 Apr, 2015 08:16 AM
i really really cry and now i always cried when i read this story of youre i really love youre story. :]
29 Apr, 2015 12:25 PM
I hope things get better for you and your family please stay strong you are a beautiful person and you deserve to live
20 May, 2015 01:35 AM
Please don't try to kill yourself anymore,you said that you were found dead but for some reason your still alive today.God most want you here for some reason to safe you like that.I have a feeling your supposed to be here,so please dont try to commit suicide again.
29 May, 2015 11:28 AM
Hi Silence, I set stories in different languages ! I want to ask you permission to translate your story into another language warn all the will have a with your name and his translation will attach the url of your page. ?an I translate this story?
03 Aug, 2015 12:38 PM
Sure Amon Bleiz! Feel free to use it (:
15 Sep, 2015 03:42 PM
on the 27 July 2015 I lost My Best Friend to suicide... And trust me the people you leave behind hurts like hell... It might seem that nobody cares about you but trust me even if you only have one true friend there is someone that cares... Please be strong and there is away out... And really God wouldn't give you a second chance if you didn't have a purpose!
27 Mar, 2016 01:56 PM
Silence..... I had a feeling about you, i too atemptd to take my life on two occasions the latter wasnt so serious, but i know exactly how u feel, wen pipo wud look at me and judge me for nt being as cheerful or in their term "normal like everybody else", it wud damage me more, for i never wantd their judgement, all i wantd was to be left alone.....enough abt me, i was planing to write a sucidal short story...and i was wondering if i could use ur experience in my story, and believe me u wil get the credit u deserve.....really hope u respond soon
04 Apr, 2016 06:24 PM
Sure, feel free to use it!
I am sorry to hear that you tried to take your life :/ I'm here for you if you want to talk!
27 Jul, 2016 12:22 AM
You never mentioned your name so if you don't mind me calling you Kalon (I have been told more times than I can count that I am not the family's born writer so I naturally developed a love of words in hopes of one day being able to put them together and write my story, somewhat in the manner that you have). Anyway,
After reading what you bravely decided to share with the world, I felt that you too are a person who has experienced much suffering, and (this might seem mean, but...) I think that you have good inside of you, maybe buried deep, deep inside, but that you have a light inside.
I don't like to give my email because I hate spam and creepers, but I can relate to internal pain so much I feel the need to share one (ok two) of my accumulated words with you. (I treasure my words as though they were sky diamonds revealed only for my eyes to admire, so know that although I am "only" giving you words, my intention is to give you a gift).
First, Kalon is a noun meaning "beauty that is more than skin-deep," which is simply lovely in my eyes and it kinda sounds like a guys name so it's suiting.
And the second word I fell in love with because it describes the times I've felt a special, not so special, kind of depression. Anhedonia, meaning the loss of interest and enjoyment in all activities that you once liked; the feeling of not caring anymore.
My familiarity with pain is what makes me care so much, so experiencing a depression capable of numbing my reasons to care, my reasons to keep going scares me. I don't ever want to feel that way again because it felt like I was stuck in a black hole and it took long enough for me to climb out and care again. Having a word to help me describe this depression makes me feel in control so I thought that you might like it too (if you even get the chance to read this).
Before I submit this though, I just want to say that I read a few of the comments and I noticed that no one congratulated you on your heart-touching story. All they say is I know what it feels like or I'm sorry or I'm sad now. That's garbage!! (Sorry, excuse my language) When I was depressed the last thing I wanted was pity. I don't need anyone to tell me 'sorry' because life can be a (curse word ... I'll let you pick your favorite and fill in the blank). What got me through was a lot of sucking it up and realizing how fortunate I am to be alive because there are others fighting to live. I'm not going to lie, it was a longer process than just a click in my brain and no longer feeling sad, but my point is that I saved myself and I don't need any damn one to help me in the future. I know I sound like a little kid saying 'no let me do it!' but it's true, I am mentally stronger and I want others to know that 'sorry' (at least for me) is equivalent to saying 'well that sucks for you' because the person saying sorry will move on and doesn't really care, not in the sense that they will stop what they're doing to help you out of your hole.
Ok I feel a little better now.
I can see why you wrote your story Kalon - it's relieving.
Feel free to email me back if you ever read this, or anyone that reads this, I'm open to anyone that enjoys a good laugh.
lorena.cov97 at gmail.com
(This website won't let me post "spam" so I have to use at)