im sorry

toni

I was 15 and he was 16.. when I first met him I didn't realise what he was to me, he loved me from the moment he met me but we both didn't like to get close to people because we were afraid of getting hurt. I was meeting one of my friends and we saw him on a bench and my friend knew him, she said hello and she introduced us (his name was Tim), I saw him at school but I didn't pay much attention. I wasn't really interested but she invited him to come meet other friends with us because he had been ditched.

A few weeks later I saw him again and I said hello and I started to say hello to him in school. We started to text each over and we would text eachover every second of everyday but still.. I didn't love him, he told me that he loved me and I started to stay at his house a lot and we got really close.

One day he asked me if I had spread a rumour about him. I denied it and I was telling the truth but he didn't seem to believe me. I have always got hurt in my past relationships because of lies so I said that if he doesn't trust me then we shouldn't be friends. A few weeks later I had nearly forgot about him but he crossed my mind a few times as he was my best friend and I went to a party and kissed a guy, I was careless. After a while I forgot about it and I walked past the place where I first met tim. I started to cry and I didn't know why, I didn't love him... Well that's what I thought.

I rang Tim and asked him if he still believed the rumour and he said no and apologized to me. That night I stated at his house, it was like we never even fell out. The only difference was that I knew this time I loved him and I would never want to let him go.

After a few weeks we were really close but didn't go out and he sent me a text saying "did you kiss a guy at that party you went to" and I forgot about it and I argued with him and told him that he still doesn't trust me and he apologized and said he does trust me but one of my friends reminded me so I text him and said it was my mistake and I forgot about it and I was so sorry.

Tim went mad, he was so hurt. I left him messages, I sent him texts, I tried to see him but he avoided me. My friend had never seen me cry before because I know how to hold it in but this was just to hard and when she asked me about him I remember collapsing to the floor and I curled into a ball and I told her everything that had happened.

She rang him instantly and started to shout at him, he was on loud speaker so I could hear everything that he was saying. Although he was saying he hates me it felt good to hear his voice. I can still remember the words going through my heart as he said them.. he said "she was of the few people I trusted and now I can't" although I was not with him or speaking to him when I kissed the other guy I knew that I had hurt him.

It has been a while now. When he passes me in the corridor a feeling in my stomach bubbles. When I walk past the place we met my heart breaks into a million peices and that is the way I walk home so I have choice. I have tried to text him and I have tried everything. I have him space, but I guess sometimes you can be everything together and the next you can be nothing.

The worst feeling is that I can't help but think it is my fault. Even if it isn't, if I hadn't kissed that guy.. if I hadnt been so careless.. I would still be holding him in my arms and that thought will always taunt me.