I'll never stop

Fayette

So there I was, January of 2012 and I just started working at this diner. No one could have warned me about the person I was about to get to know..

Before we talk about her, here is some back ground about me.
When I was 15, I went through the most gruesome experiences in my life. I was pissed off all the time, I hated everything and everyone and I contemplated suicide everyday. I started to grow out of it as I went through my high school years. I graduated and just kept working.

I still got angry easily and didn't love myself as I should. I was fighting with my parents 24/7 and sleeping in my car at a walmart parking lot. I kept these things mostly to myself around friends and coworkers because I didn't want their help.

Let's jump back. So, I was a busser at a diner. This girl you're about to hear about, was a server at the time. I bussed for a year and got a different job. When I left, that girl became a manager. Any way I went back about 8 months later, I decided to be a server this time around and she hired me back on the spot.

Skipping some details, let's say we kind of had a friendship after awhile. In my eyes, we were a team in that place. She had my back and I had hers and we came out on top when things would go south at work.

Anyway, one day I came in pissed off because I had a huge fight with my parents and brother. She could tell I was mad when I walked in and she tried to ask me what was wrong but I wouldn't say anything. I just wanted to be left alone so I could just lock myself up in my head and run in place.

I take a quick smoke break and go out back. She comes outside and it's only me and her, she asks me again what was wrong and I finally have in. I couldn't denies that sweet warm loving voice of hers any longer.

I started telling her what happend that morning, then I start telling her everything. How I've been sleeping in my car at Walmart, the fights, my brother going nuts (he became sqitsifrenic, mental disease. Can't spell it sorry)

But it all flowed out of me to her, it felt good to get it all out. She gave me a hug and I finished smoking the third cigarette I lit up out there while telling her these things.

That night after I closed and left work she texted me, she never does that. I texted back figuring it was just some stupid little conversation. The next night she did it again, and it continued for a week or so.

I was so glad that she talked to me outside of work, I have had a crush on her since I first saw her two years prior to this but never tried anything because...well she's three years older than me. I knew if something had happen with us, that age difference would make her over think or make her feel like a mom.

So we start texting after each night of work, just talking about things, nothing to intreasting.
Then one night, she asks me to go over to her apt and watch a movie. Part of me wanted to say "dude don't do it, she's your manager, nothing more" but my heart had full control and I went over...thus began my Fall...

Skipping more details.
We started hanging out all the time, we would go to church every Sunday and hang out every night after work and either drink, or watch something. I'd stay the night at her apt, leave in the morning, then see her again back at work that same day. I had fallen hard for her, I've fallen in love before but this, was just new.
So things are going great, for once in what seemed like forever, I was happy and I loved it.

Then she started over thinking. She stopped texting me as much, I started getting scared of staying the night at her apt. I could tell she was losing interest but I didn't want to accept that, you know? I have had this huge crush on her for two years and I finally was able to go somewhere with it.

(I apologize for how long this story has become, if you're still with me then thank you)

We stopped hanging out for the most part, one night she texts me and wants to talk face to face. So we met up and she started talking.
Everything I was afraid of happening was comeing out. The big part was, she didn't want to be 'together' while I was still working there, which I understood. She had worked there since she was 16. She didn't want anything els from there.

So we talked it out and finally got everything situated. I put my two weeks in at work and found a different job.
When my two weeks was up and I left for my other job...she drifted away. She started to not talk to me anymore.
Months went by with more then 2 words from her, I was depressed, broken, beaten, I cried everynight. And I still cry....

It's been a year now....I've grown so much in that time span without her. I don't feel the hurt anymore, but I still cry because I long to just have a long talk with her or maybe even a hug.

I go around life now, running into girls I don't know and I can't gain an affection toward them at all. My friends will be like "dude look at her! She's fine as hell!" And I'd just think "yea...but it's not who my heart wants"

In this past year, I've made peace with my demons, Ive strengthen my relationship with god and I've fought my battles without another human being To back me up.

I'm content now, I love life and the people in it. I want to change the world for the best. All life is precious and every single thing on this planet deserves love. I go about my days now doing gods will when he presents it to me and being loving and kind to all. I have a warm smile on for people who pass me by.

But I can't ever love another girl. I probably won't ever get married or have kids. I'll die alone, because I know who my heart longs for and I've accepted all of this. If I die alone, then that's fine.

She has recently started talking to me again, she had a few old memories of us. It's just small talk here and there.

But I'll never stop loving her..