To Be Done, Just Done

Mellonamin Nakir

I'm really sorry but this story is really long.

"I'm must be stupid and crazy for falling for someone who I knew I couldn't have." I wish someone would just tell me the exact opposite, but I know that it will only give me false hope,and I don't need that too.

I like this guy who will always be two years younger than me. Weird, right? Well, I met him through my friend(who is like my little sister)and he had a huge crush on her. My first impression of him was overly protective and annoying, so I told all my friends that I would never ever like him even if he was the last man on earth. Funny how Karma and fate works.

Since we went to different high schools, we only made small talks to each other whenever we met, and I didn't really start liking him 'til I got to know him better. It all began on his birthday, March 1st. Since I didn't know that it was his birthday until I got onto facebook, I thought it would be nice to say happy birthday. Being typical me, I messaged him, "Today's your birthday? Didn't know you have one. Well... Happy Birthday anyway."

And with that, the tripped of my heartbreak started. We literally messaged day and night for a whole week. By the end of the week, I knew that I was beginning to like him, but I told myself it was infatuation and that my mind was latching on to him just for the heck of it. Therefore I shrugged it off and say that it wasn't love or anything I need to worry about.

Well, it continued on for another week, and this time, I knew I need to tell my friend. She has the right to know and I didn't want the situation to be like our other friends'(one of them knew that the other one liked this guy, but secretly went out with him). So I told her and my other friends. At first they couldn't believe it, but after registering it, they started laughing and asking me how it came to that.

After talking to him for a few more days, I notice that I was acting extra weird. First, I started sharing my feelings that I usually just kept bottle inside. Second, I was twice as confident as I was before. And finally, I was giggling, laughing and smiling twice as much as I use to do it, and trust me, my friends also noticed it. They all told me I was falling in love. Again being me, I shrugged it of and say it was infatuation only.

As we kept on talking, I started to become more self-conscious about myself and began asking my distant sister about my feelings. Everyone, except my friends, kept telling me it was infatuation. And I thought it was too. However, I got curious if it was love or infatuation, so I started doing research about both. It turned out that I either really, really liked him or I was in love because I didn't need him there physically, his happiness meant more than mine, and I wasn't attracted to his looks until after I started to like him. Now, I thought I was going crazy. How can this be love? It's just infatuation. A big, fat infatuation. I can't and won't ever find love. A villain(I used to be a bully and I am really mean) like me don't deserve one. And there's no such thing as happily ever after for villains. After doing the research, I contacted him less because now I was thinking it made me look needy and he's probably annoyed by me. So the fourth week went slower and there was one or two messages only.

The fifth week, we had our retreat to camp, and all three of us were going: My crush, his crush, and me. During that week, I realized that no matter what happens, he could never love me the same way I loved him because each time I looked at him, he was looking at my friend, who was looking at her new crush. We both were hopeless fools, fighting a losing battle, and we knew it too. Although he got me sick on the second to the last day of camp, I was extremely worried that he was really sick since he didn't come to the dining hall for breakfast or lunch. So I had my friend text him asking if he was alright, if he needed medicine, or if he wanted snacks. When he didn't reply back, I freaked out and started pacing back and forth. Then I decided that I was gonna give one of his cabin members Tylenol to give it to him. And I'll use my friend's name, so he'll eat it. Before I did that, he text my friend back and I had her tell him to come eat dinner because it was pho and it will help with his sickness. When I left my friend's and mine cabin, I thought that I was so stupid. Why did I care so much about him? Why did it break my heart when I remember what I was thinking of doing? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so foolish? He won't even know how much I cared for him. Tears started falling, and I told myself to get a grip onto myself. Forget that it ever happened.

When I got home after camped, I enter the garage, so I can cry over my empty heart without anyone knowing. I cried for ten minutes and had to stop because I knew that I need to go cook for my younger siblings. That night, I cried myself to sleep. Afterward, I only cried once more because I knew I had to let go. I knew I couldn't keep fighting this losing battle. Although he turned me into someone different, he wouldn't even understand my feelings for him.