Losing more than timing...

Nikira

Love, romance, and partnerships aren't something that belong to me. I will always lose out. Timing is everything in life, and sometimes, your potential love life is not the only thing at stake, if you lose or miss your timing, it is possible to lose even more... I tend to stay quiet and will almost always let my friend win, and this is the story of how I lost everything...

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And this is my story:

My best friend of 15 years, we knew everything about each other, could communicate with looks, or at least that's what I thought. The guy I like... my crush of 5 years, crushing on him since the first day of high school when I saw him as that really hot guy on the other side of the courtyard.... until we were in the same math class together, at first he was just cute, but then the little things, saying hi, noticing my hair, cookies for random reasons, and by the end of the year, I knew I had got it bad for him. Thought I could tell my best friend everything, so I decided, I was going to tell her that I finally have someone I like, I thought she was going to be excited for me, after 8 years of saying love doesn't happen under the age of 21, I finally found someone I thought was right for me. My crush came to visit me on impulse one day, something he did quite often whenever he had time, and on that day, my friend also decided to visit me at work for the first time since I had gotten that job (8 months). I never found out why she came to visit, but after work that day, the three of us hung out for a while before I left earlier because of an appointment. The next day during lunch at school, right before I was about to tell her that I had been crushing on the guy from yesterday, she says to me, "you're close friends with the guy from yesterday right?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Do you know what kinda girls he likes?"
"Um... not really..."
"But he doesn't have a girlfriend right now though, right?"
"Uh... Yeah, no, no girlfriend, but--"
"He is totally my type..."
After that, what could I say? That I had him first? That I liked him first? She was my best friend, or the closest thing I had to one at least... Two weeks later, he was no longer my best guy friend but my best friend's boyfriend. At that point, it was still OK, to be honest, it actually wasn't the first time she started dating a guy I was into, but this time, this time it just got worse. When they first broke the news to me, at work, they said thank you, crediting their first meeting to me. I barely made it home after work that night, when she took my seat, sitting shotgun and I sat in the backseat watching their fingers intertwined and the glances they gave each other when they thought I wasn't looking... when I finally calmed down, I decided I was never getting in the car with them again, it was a physical pain to watch... I thought...that as long as I don't have to watch them together, they would end soon enough, as her relationships always did when she got bored, but they didn't, and I couldn't avoid them.

At first, it was just for advice. Because I was friends with both sides, they both went to me for advice, "what does she/he like?", "when is his birthday?", favorite color, hobbies, dislikes, anything they wanted to know came to me. For their one month anniversary, my crush asked me to help him choose flowers for her, and for his birthday, I was dragged around to help choose his birthday present and cook their dinner before he arrived (she can't cook at all) and was sent out the back door when he arrived early. When they had fights or whenever she got mad, I would spend the night responding to texts from both sides, or consoling one on my home phone while explaining to the other on my cell... becoming a complete third person in their relationship... but it doesn't end there...

The first time was on my birthday, every year before my best friend and I would always go out to lunch or dinner with a few other friends of ours and hang out after, and I thought this year would be the same. When I walked in to the restaurant however, at the table, rather than the half dozen close friends I expected, it was my best friend, her boyfriend, and a guy I had never met before... apparently they had taken the opportunity to turn this into a blind date... That which I had been working so hard to avoid, was put in front of my face and my blind date became a double date with them. On my birthday, I spent dinner seated across from my friend and my crush, watching them feeding each other or sneaking kisses when they thought we weren't looking... all while my partner kept going on about his new computer he built. As though dinner wasn't bad enough, the walk around the city afterwards, the drive home (one car), and the goodnight kiss... I just about went crazy when I got home. After event, I began avoiding every invite to hang out with them, knowing it was probably another blind double date, using the excuse that I was busy, had work or was just too tired...

I didn't want to cut them out of my life, she was my best friend and he was the guy I wish was more than my best guy friend, but 6 months into their relationship I had had enough. Helping plan dates for my best friend, picking out presents with both sides, cooking meals in secret and leaving through the back, the occasional blind dates I couldn't avoid, and finally the New Year's first kiss pic they sent... I gave up. Rather than ruining their relationship and telling the truth, I chose the cowardly way, and simply told them I had enough... Losing the two most important people in my life in one shot, but at least leaving them in their pure relationship... I am now alone... I can no longer stand to see my best friend of 15 years as she is always with her boyfriend. I can not simply get over him, he was everything I ever wanted in a guy, his flaws included...

How else was I supposed to let go, but to walk away...