First Love

Jessica

It wasn't love at first sight. I'll never over exaggerate the way I felt about you, because that makes it not real. You are 100% real to me. I remember the first time I met you though. I thought you were attractive. You were sitting on a heater with your girl. Looking so in love, I looked at you guys for a minute and thought that you would be the one to break her heart. In my book guys used girls, didn't really have any feelings. I never seen someone in love. My parents weren't, that's for sure. Guys always scared me. I didn't have good experiences with them in my life. Until you. This is gonna sound exaggerated or maybe weird but, one thing is for sure, I'll never be ashamed of the way I feel about you.

It started when I saw you one morning, you were a mess. You were heart broken. The girl you liked, maybe even loved broke up with you. I watched you because this was something new. I've never seen a guy so upset over a girl. It could have been that I was just 14 but, after that day you caught my attention. I started putting myself in places were we would interact. Gym class I would talk to you, take the ball from you so I had your attention. I know this sounds like third grade stuff but, I never flirted or tried to get to know someone I was interested in. Soon after I got to where I could talk to you, then I moved. I thought about you a few times, but soon you started to fade from my memory. Just another guy. Until one day I was talking with my friends at my new school, at the football game. When suddenly I was tackled to the ground. I will admit I was gonna kick ass until I realized it was you. It felt like a dream. There you were. You were happy to see me, obviously. I got up and gave you a huge hug. I was so shocked. I don't remember much of what we talked about that night or did. We started hanging out at the football games every time we could. I even remember one time your asshole foster parents made you stay in the car while they attended the game. I texted you and walked by the car. I didn't want you to get in trouble, so I just smiled. I was just happy to see you. I knew you had a girlfriend so I tried to be cautious but, in the end I fell for you pretty hard. One day we were sitting by the fence at the game and you told me you were no longer seeing anyone. My heart skipped a beat in that moment. I thought maybe you were gonna tell me you liked me. You didn't though. We were still sitting there when my friend Alex came up and we all started walking around. We were in the baseball dugout when you looked Alex in the eyes and said you wanted to kiss her. My heart shattered that night. Not knowing what came over me I dared her to kiss you. I regretted the words once they left my mouth but couldn't take them back. You see, she knew I was really into you. She kissed you anyways. I made an excuse to leave and my other friend J followed. She was there for me when I cried over a guy for the first time. During this time in my life my sadness turned into anger. I ended up walking back to where you guys were, I screamed at her. I wasn't one for drama and still don't know what came over me. I tried to fight her but you protected her. I tried so hard, you just stood in front of me telling me to calm down. I don't remember anything else from that night. I was so heart broken. I was pissed that I let myself believe you would be different. Now this may sound exaggerated but it's not. I was pissed that I had fell in love. I just went through the weekend determined not to think about it. That following Monday I was in my English class when Mr. Z came in and found me. In front of the whole class he asked me what the name of my friend was that kissed his student in his dugout. I about died in that moment. This teacher had brought up something I tried so hard to forget in front of class. I told him your name, I was in shock. How had he known? The teacher told me to tell him not to do it again and I just nodded. He said that she was bragging. My emotions did a 180. I went from heart broken to pissed. After first period was over I yelled at her. You see, you were 4 years older than her. At the time you had not known, and she looked older. I was scared you would get in trouble. Then, she told me I should check my Facebook messages when I got home and that you had wrote me. I was so nervous through out the day. What had he wrote me that she knew about? It was all I could think about until I got home. I logged into Facebook and saw I did indeed have a message. I clicked it and just stared at the screen for I don't know how long. You said "Will my amazingly boss friend go to home coming with meh?" I said yes of course. I went out and got a beautiful dress. I thought about what you would say when you saw me. I felt so girly and truly happy. You were the first person to make me forget about the shit that was going on in my life.

About a week later, I got a message from you saying your foster parents weren't gonna let you go to the dance. And for the second time in two weeks, my heart ached. I told you it was okay. I couldn't be mad at you because it wasn't your choice. I later found out that you asked my friend Alex to homecoming first and that she said no and told him to ask me. I hated you. Did you think I wouldn't find out? You asked me to homecoming out of pity.

It was about two weeks later my foster mom had said if I didn't start acting better I would end up just like my mom. In that moment I was either gonna punch her or run. You know the saying fight or flight? Well I ran. I just kept running. I ended up at one of my good friends house and knocked on the door. Her grandma answered and said she was at open gym at the school. I considered running there, and I did start to. Then I realized I was a mess. I had been crying. So, I got to the school and ended up going to another friends house. She lived like right across the street from the school. But what pissed me off the most was that all I wanted to do was talk to you and I left my phone at the house. I ended up staying at my friends house for two hours. She offered to let me stay the night, but I knew if I was gone over night my foster mother would call the cops. I was bare foot and it was dark. I got about maybe thirty feet away from her house when I saw a flashlight. Pointing at me. I kept walking away from it when they came closer. I figured it was her so I stopped and waited. I realized fast that I didn't see the cop car when I first walked out. I know I would have hid if I did. He walked up and asked me if my name was Jessica, I said yes. He asked me where I was heading and I said home. He told me he would take me there and I declined but he said I could go willingly or in handcuffs so I walked to the car. I was scared. I needed comfort. He took me home and I just walked straight to my room, grabbed my phone and called you. I said in a joking tone I was officially marked as a runaway. You sounded so concerned and asked me what I did. I just felt happy for the first time in hours I was talking to someone that could calm me. Little did I know that soon our friendship would be almost gone. I moved foster homes two weeks after and we didn't talk really. It hurt me because at first you were the only person I wanted to talk to about things because you understood. We both had hard lives, and you just understood. You were so smart and knew what to say to make me feel better.

Now, it's three years and eight months later. I've seen you maybe 10 times since. I still love you. I would do anything for you. I write you and we say maybe 5 things to each other and then the conversation ends. I try not to think about how much you mean to me because I know you will never be mine. I'll always love you, you were my first love and so far my only love.