He was Never Mine

Ink, paper, and a pen

In reality there are really those people who were meant to fall inlove with each other but never meant to be together. Isn't sad that somehow someone has filled in the emptiness inside you yet he can never be yours?

I'm amara. 22 years of age and working as a nurse somewhere in the middle east. I had a long time lesbian partner before i went here for my job but all of a sudden the distance between us made me feel falling out of love with her. I feel so empty and so blue. It feels like i love her but i'm not inlove with her anymore. We have fights everyday that caused our relationship to be over.

I felt sad after that. Everyday i started writing poems, sad letters, listen to sad songs just to get in with my loneliness. I often ask myself "how does it feel to fall in love again?"

Then i met ibrahim. He was 21, a very handsome sweet salesman in a mall. I met him when we visited their stall and i bought some shirts. My friends and i wete just joking around asking for discount but he said he cannot give us discount but offers a membership instead. Filling out the form he first asked my phone number and instead of giving it i answered "why? Will you text me?" it was just a silly joke from me and never thought he would take it seriously. He then replied "if you want me to, i will." then i just smiled. After i paid and finished filling out the form we then go and he said "i will text you". Then we left. After just around 5 minutes i received a message saying "nice picture" and i knew that it was him. We chat all night. He was so nice and sweet. I like him very much and he admitted that he liked me too. But even if we have mutual feelings for each other, we also have limits. We have different nationalities, religion and cultures. Mine was far different from his and from the very beginning i knew that we wilk never be together. He even told me "i really like you a lot. In fact i'm so happy knowing you but everytime i think of marrying you, my father will kill me".

I knew from the beginning that we were never meant to be. No matter how we wish to be together. Not a day had passed that we did not talk. Sometimes we even had video chats, exchange pictures and as days passed by i feel cared, i feel appreciated and i feel loved. For the first time after a long time i feel like i belong to someone. And then i knew that i was in love with him. I knew that this was the feeling i've been longing to feel. He completes the emptiness in me. He complete me. From that moment i wanted to distance myself from him, because i know it will never be us but i cant lose him. I dont know what to do and i dont even know if loving him was right.
One day, he said he will tell me something. He said few days from now he will be entering military and maybe we cannot talk for about three months. Wow. That was long but i just replied its ok, we could talk after your training. But to my dismay he added "after training i will be going abroad for two years for me to study." from the moment i read that it broke my heart into pieces. I cannot even reply a single word but i just said "seems like i will not be seeing or talking to you again after that". He knew that i was broken hearted knowing that so he said "you were never mine and i was never yours, your a good girl. You are beautiful, talented and sweet. I know your husband will be so lucky to have a wife like you. Love was not always the reason for us to stay. I love you and all my life i will be but i cannot keep you. So dont think too much about me. Live your life and pursue your dreams. We need to accept reality. This is life. Its just so unfair". Those words broke my heart even more. I just replied that i knew from the beginning that we were not meant to be and wishing him goodluck but deep inside i feel sorrow.

I found the right person but we cant be together. It feels like so ironic to fall in love with a person you can never be with. I wanted to fight for him but we already had given up even if we did not started a thing yet. Its hard if reality was always against you. I wish life was just a fairy tale. I found my prince but we were stuck in happily never after. :(