Confusing love

Raquel

It all started when I was about 6 he was 7. He had just gotten to this country and I was a little shy. We were at a family party. We we're just friends ,my big sister was messing with us and she pushed his face into mine. After that day I felt weird I didn't know what I was feeling I was only 6.I realized I liked him.

5 Years pasted and all i did was think of him my feelings for him got stronger. I was 11 when i first slept over his house I was so excited. He had to sleep on the floor I felt bad so I joined him .I woke up around 1a.m because I had to pee and woke him up too because I was scared of the dark I tried going back to sleep but I couldn't so he wrapped his arm around me. I fell asleep in his arms.

2 years past I was crazy about him but he still didn't know I liked him. The last time I slept over his house I was about 13. We went to watch a movie in his basement ,his parents and brother was asleep. We cuddled and once again I fell asleep in his arms. We texted all the time and as time passed my feelings blossomed into love.

It was the spring break of my 8th grade year, I was well am 14 . I went to Miami for spring break away. I finally found the courage to tell him how I felt about him for all of those years but I told him I was over him so I wouldn't weird him out but I was so completely in love with him. He told me that he had feelings for me the last time I slept over his house and thought I didn't like him. When i read that I almost started to cry. When I got back from Miami everything was the same.

A month had pasted from the time I told him about my feelings. It was his 15th birthday. May 7th I went to his party and my mom made me sing at the party.It was totally embarrassing. We were playing on his trampoline and he tripped me and while I was down I tripped him and he pulled me close and kissed me . I had waited for that for such along time.I wanted to cry with joy. After that we texted more than we already did it got real steamy.

A few weeks later I went to his house and I went in his room and layed on his bed he walked in and stood in the door way for 2 minute's he walked over to me and we started kissing it was the best.

A couple of weeks after that I went back to his house and it got steamy but we didn't take our clothes off or anything. A couple of weeks after that I went back to his house and it was like if I didn't even exist I was devastated. He wouldn't answer my texts.I told myself that he was probably disgusted by me. I promised myself that I would get over him because he made it clear that he didn't like me.
The last time I was at his house the beginning of the visit was good we weren't talking so far i had kept my promise. Then he got friendly while we we're watching a movie on the couch. Then he went to his room he told me to tell him when it was time for me to leave because he needed to give something. I was curious as to what it was so I went to his room. He was laying on his bed he looked so cute so i walked to his drawer and we talked while I fixed the top of his drawer because it was a mess and I was trying to avoid getting physical.I sat on his bed and I broke my promise that I would forget about him. I fell even more in love with him. We kissed and cuddled .

I'm so confused as if he likes me or he is using me. The worst part he is my cousin and people probably will say what eww that family well I'm very distant form my outer family.But don't people say that you can find love anywhere and I fell in love with him. I hate myself for that but at the same time I don't. I have really strong feeling for him he is my sunshine but it hurts not knowing what he feels about me but I can't help feeling this way. When I close my eyes I see him when I open my eye I miss him. When I wake up he is the first thing I think about every morning. I can't get over him. There's no way.