What could have been...

Christabelle Tanya

"Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come," he said as he tossed a pebble into the river. My reply? It was silence. It felt like I was now in a relationship with a stranger, the guy sitting beside me was no longer the Jayden I knew. Where was the smile he always put on every time he looked at me? The affectionate eyes that burned yielding unconditional love towards me? All that was replaced with a serene mask I could not read or figure out. It felt like I was now just another girl to him.

My gut knew there was another girl, every sense of mine acknowledged her presence. Jayden barely could hold eye contact with me anymore. I knew he felt contrite about something and what else could it be than a girl in the shadows of our dying relationship. There are times I would call him and he would tell me he was in the middle of something before I would hear a woman`s voice saying "Relax..." When he disappeared for weeks without contacting me, I would give in into calling his house only to hear his sister say "Am sorry honey, Jayden had to visit my grandmother. She has not been feeling well," Who does not know the old story of how to blackmail your sister into lying for you?

As each day passed by it became more than evident that I was being cheated on and I certainly did not want to endure the walk of shame after being dumped. That night... I broke up with him. I walked away slowly, awaiting for that guy who used to tell me he cant live without me to stop me from leaving his life. But nothing happened. He agreed that it was for the best and besides he had a lot of things going on in his life at that moment. "A lot of things like a new bimbo replacing me?" my brain had voiced out.

Time passed by. It passed by even though every second felt like a pulsing vein in an open wound. It was hard to move on from someone who literally had slayed their mark onto my heart. Pictures of him and I where all over my bedroom, my phone, my school locker, my laptop... yes, they could be removed but how was I going to remove the pictures of the heart? And what about Ching-Ching, the rabbit he got me for my birthday? Was I to kill her to forget him? I missed Jayden and craved his presence. The huge arms that would always make me feel better, the scent that always left me breathless and his hoarse masculine voice. Time and again I would remind myself that he was no longer the same person I fell for and I was better off without him.

It was months later when I heard my father whisper to my mum on how the Williams son had just lost his life due to cancer. That second, minute and day will always be a scar marred onto my heart. Never in my life have I felt the pain I endured that moment. It was unrecognizable, powerful and the worst part is it made me numb. I would have given anything for just something, something to make me feel something.
Jayden was gone and I knew it. He was gone and what he had left was insignificant me destroyed, alone and crushed into pieces.

"What happened to the promises we made? How could he leave me?" I remember my never ending tears. It felt like someone was squeezing my heart with red scarlet nails. Yes, we had broken up but somewhere in the back of my mind I thought he would grow up and come back to me. Jayden knocking on my door with a bunch of red roses had been my fantasy which helped me lick my sore wounds. Everything was beginning to make perfect sense. The lost puzzle pieces had now been found. The sadness in his eyes, voice and actions. Had he thought the pain of him breaking up with me was better than I facing the loss of him? His sincerity was more of a piercing pain than comfort.

I still miss Jayden, his obnoxious laugh and every little thing he did. I failed to enjoy the little things in life and now I look back and realize that they were the big things.
Life moves on... whether you choose to move on and take a chance in the unknown, or stay behind locked in the past thinking of what could have been and I chose the latter because my grieving has become a big part of me. Don`t make the same mistake!