Ever feel you're not good enough?

Evan

I just found this website today and I thought maybe this site can help me out even if it's a little bit. Just in advance forgive me for my spelling and grammar. For this story I'm going to use fake names. Rose will be the name of my girlfriend and Alex will be the name of the guy my girlfriend kind of fell for. My name is also under an alias just for privacy reasons. This may be a really long story sorry in advance.

Where to start... I guess I should give a story about the past. Rose is still my current girlfriend, we have been together for nearly 3 years. I started dating her in grade nine, and we are currently in grade 12 nine. She's my first girlfriend, and in the 3 years we've been together, we have been through a lot of ups and downs together. I guess those will be stories for another time. Anyways on to the story on hand. Lets just say that 2015 has been one horrible year. It all mainly started around January about a week or two after my birthday. The time before that our relationship has been kinda shaky to say the least. We would argue about unnecessary things and it was kind of evident she was becoming less clingy. After my birthday she found out that there was this guy name "Alex" who has actually liked her for a while. One weekend she told me she was going to meet up with Alex so she could let him down easily. She has been my girlfriend for a while and I trusted her to do so. Around this time she would smoke a lot of pot, and she herself has been going through a lot prior to this time. I assure I know her very well and she was not the Rose I knew and loved, I got this really bad vibe around her its like she was not even the same person. She would meet up with him the following day and even skipped school the Monday morning to meet up with him. I got really fed up with the waiting so I got Alex's number and texted him telling him to meet me after school. He met up with me and we talked about the situation and I was basically telling him that this can't work out she is my girlfriend. I tried handling it without violence. We heard each other out and that was the end of conversation. I met up with my girlfriend afterwards and we were arguing of course cause i was really mad at her for having to see him for three days it seemed really unreasonable to me. she kept telling me she wants to tell me something but she couldn't. To make the long story she later that day moments later told me that she thinks she likes him. I was pretty heartbroken so I left to go home in shock. She said if she wanted to break up with me that she understood and that she did me wrong but I just loved her way to damn much to let her go. She told me how Alex and her just shared a lot in common between their relationship between parents, and also the music tastes they share and stuff.

Sometime after that day she told me that she needed to break up with me to figure everything out. So we were no more for the time being, word spread around the school that we broke and of course every guy will start trying to go after her. One day after my I believe it was my french exam, she had just finished her law exam and i found them sitting near a Tim Hortons near my school. i was so heartbroken omg. she had assured me that nothing was going on and i saw them together and my heart just fell and shattered. At first i walked away in tears, and something in me just decided to go talk to them. i was so upset i walked into the Tims and i sat right beside them pretty much screaming what the heck was going on. both of them told me nothing and so i left heartbroken. For the next while we were broken up but it was really weird caus ei would still see her and stuff. she would hang out with me and also alex lol. for that whole time i was just miserable. i would get high at night time, message some friends from out of the area ranting to them about my problems, and i would cry myself to sleep wondering why i wasn't good enough man. what was wrong with me? Why am i the one dealing with this? why am i the only one trying to keep us together? why me. During the months of January to March she would always say she will fix things between us but she wouldnt. those were just empty words. But of course stupid old me believed her, because i feel that whenever someone tells me something i should believe them. from what i understand she never slept with him or anything, and stuff like that, i know she isnt lying about sleeping with him but sometimes i think to myself and doubt that they didnt kiss or hold hands and all that cute stuff. all i know is the kissed once. there was a volleyball tournament coming up and i was trying to recruit people for my team. i love volleyball and i can say confidently im quite good at it but thats just something about myself. there was this one guy i was trying to recruit and we were talking and he asked how were doing. i just told him that you know were still together but were going through some stuff cause part of me didnt want to believe that we were seperated and tbh we still kinda acted like we were dating it was just without the title of actually being her boyfriend. He was like man idk how you guys are still okay after what she's done. i was so confused and long story short apparently Alex kissed her and she told her friend at the time, and this friend told the guy i was trying to recruit and the guy i was recruiting me. the guy i was talking to is a pretty good guy he's never done me wrong. he told me to cool down and tell rose I'm going to sleep and hell find out for sure for me if about what he heard. i believe rose found out because she had my twitter accounts or something and she told me she didn't cheat on me and how she didn't kiss him, and that he kissed her. she told me how she was acting off because she didn't know how to tell me this, and of course i believe her and to this id still like to believe her on it. that day she asked me out again over text and it was kinda after that day that she really tried fixing everything with me, and i was a complete mess like i was no where near who i was. i was just a sad soul inside a corpse. there was a lot of other things she has done within that time that really broke me and i still forgave her for it because i just loved her way too much. i don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of rose. like these stories may make it seem like she is a complete asshole, and within those few months she was an asshole to me, but this isn't the kind of person she is. we worked on things slowly and were a lot better than before, its just every now and then i think about the situation because it was something really traumatic for me. and i have always thought about seeking help from like a therapist or something on how to get over everything in a healthy way but i don't exactly know how to explain that to my parents. my parents don't know were together just fyi. I'm tired of thinking back to that time and asking myself why i wasn't good enough. this alex guy is in my morning math class that doesn't really help me man it just brings back bad memories when i look at him. i need help i guess. from time to time i feel like a second option and that i wasn't good enough for her and I'm really tired of it. she assures me that it was her fault, she very well knows what she's done and i know she's extremely regretful about it, i just, idk, i just want someone who feels me on this like who understands what i was going through. I wish i was able to type everything with lots of detail but that would take to long so i just made it brief.