Butterflies

Oizys

I used to get those intense butterflies. You know the ones that make you feel like you need to sit down because they are so powerful. It started when I was twelve. I have known him my whole life, but now i was beginning to notice him.

Our families are close friends, so I would see him almost every weekend. He would sit close to me and give me a cute smile that would melt my heart.
The summer going into eight grade, we would video chat almost every night until three in the morning. He loves to cook, so we would watch the cooking channel together. He would watch in his room, because he parents let him have a television in there, and I would watch in the loft at my house. Some nights we wouldn’t talk much, but it was just nice having him there, even if it was through a computer screen.

By the time I was thirteen we were texting each other constantly. I was so sure this would turn out to be my first relationship. I realize we were young, but it felt so real to me. We spent that halloween together and then I went on my eighth grade trip to New York and Washington. We talked to each other every single day while I was gone, but when I came back things began to change.
We slowly stopped talking and I stopped going to see him and his family with my parents on the weekends. I found out from Facebook that he had a girlfriend. His first girlfriend. After than I stopped seeing and talking to him altogether.
The next time I saw him I was fourteen and in high school. He ignored me. This continued on until I was seventeen years old. I would see him every few months and he would act like I was not even there.

He was not dating his girlfriend anymore. They only lasted for a few months. Even though we did not speak anymore, he still gave me those butterflies in my stomach. I never dated in high school. I found myself comparing every boy to him and no one else gave me the feelings he did.

In my first year of college, our families decided to take a vacation together during the winter break. My cousin and her family joined us. She new about the feelings I have had for him over the years and the entire drive up I was telling her how nervous I was. Im eighteen and I still have these knots in my stomach whenever I think of him.

When we arrived and I saw him, I pictured how we would once again become friends and maybe it could lead to more but you know what they say, the fantasy is always better than the reality.

I was still in love with the boy I used to know. He had changed. During those few days I learn that he was a sort of play boy. He even blatantly said that he didn’t want a girlfriend. He liked to fuck and I could tell during the entire trip that he wanted to fuck my cousin. Sure she did not let him, but she definitely was not shy about flirting with him in front of me.

I cried one night in the room I was staying in, while she was downstairs with him. I confronted her about it and she acted like I was crazy and then she went downstairs and laid with him on the couch, so I guess I’m not as crazy as she seemed to think.
When we got back she texted him for a few weeks. I know this because I saw the texts when we were driving in her car. I have forgiven her since then, but I will never forget it.
I am nineteen now and I still have not had a boyfriend. Im looking for the feeling that I seem to only get when it comes to one specific boy.