My feelings are trapped...inside my soul

MHH

I have so much that I want to express....and scream out loud from deep within my soul...of how much I adore this certain man. However, my feelings are absolutely trapped inside my soul and I have no way of letting it known....which eventually brought me to this place...
If you haven't had a chance to look at my profile.... I am a professional model, who is also a grad student and a professional leader in health care field. I am just basically trying to explain that I'm not a brainless bimbo as you might have assumed to be. :-)
I am a public figure with a large following, and I apologise in advanced that I will not be able to disclose my name or the name of the man who I adore....

Here is the story..,,.
I somehow fell for this one man who I never had the opportunity to meet in person...he is a very successful actor. I don't live in LA, and I have never been interested in becoming an actress, although I have acted multiple times in a few short series. I needed to meet him, but I possibly could not tell anyone if I were to keep my reputation and contain the majority of my following on the social media. I contacted my agent (No, I did not tell my agent why) that I wanted to be featured in the upcoming movie that he was casted as one of the leading actors....Shortly after, I heard from my agent that I was selected for a scene in the very same movie, I started crying at the thoughts of meeting him in person... I waited for three months till the day finally came.... I prayed everyday that he was everything that I had hoped for him to be...and more...

Before you knew it, the big day had arrived....I was at the set filming with Hollywood renouned film and acting crews. I found out at the set that 'he'' flew home for a week...I felt as if my heart just stopped and my world had shattered. But I am a strong and independent woman, I played my part in the movie and thanked everyone graciously before departing the set for the day. I thought to myself...'What have I done? Have you gone insane? What is happening??'

I came back to my home state the next day trying to move on with my life...keeping myself busy with grad school and trying to forget the fact that I was even featured in multi-million dollars Hollywood film. My intention never was to be in the spotlight anyway...after all, being in the spotlight, basically takes all your privacy away and here I am....on a website, pouring my heart out... Sometimes I feel sorry for myself...constantly living under a microscope...

I also needed to mention that one of the directors at the movie set had the biggest crush on me...and invited me to visit the set again sometimes....
You can probably guess what happened....oh I don't know... of course I did have the idea of finally meeting the man of my desire on my next visit to the set... I carefully planned to ensure that my fav actor would be there when filming continued in my sister's hometown..

Two months have passed and the day finally arrived for my second attempt to see him... As I prepared to visit the set, I was trembling so much that I had a hard time putting my make up on..

For some odd reason, the director who invited me wasn't pleased with me on something and was very short with me...My worries began to creep as the director continued to act strange with me on the phone. Since they were having a night shoot somewhere in downtown, I just decided to go have some drinks somewhere nearby downtown with my sister until I can figure out what to do...
After a few drinks, around 11pm...I got the nerve to call the director and told him I was heading toward the set. There were a lot of security, and a lot of fans trying to take pictures of the scene, it was surreal. As my sister and I we're walking in, we saw two Mercedes Shuttles driving away. Little did know, he just finished filming his part and left the scene....

Nevertheless, the entire crew including the producers remembered me and welcomed us graciously. Little did they know, a piece of me and my whole heart died as I smiled and hugged everyone....
I have since dated men who are as good looking or more good looking than "he" is, but something is always missing...
A year later.... I am still in love with thi man. The movie is set to come out in 2016, I am not sure I even want to watch it, as it would resurface many of my broken memories.
My question is....
Do you believe in destiny?
He wasn't in my destiny, not yet at least.
I have never experienced anything like this, trying out on something, and not getting the result that I want, not even close....