In another world maybe

Lola

So.. My name is Sarah.
Last year I realized that I maybe wasn't completely straight.
I'm in my second year of high school here in France.
There is, there was, this girl named Lola. The most beautiful perfect girl I've seen. This girl has a boyfriend that I know from a longtime ago. He's not in the same region as us so they don't see each other very often but when they do they love it.

I'm very social and got to know Lola really quickly, she's smart, funny as hell, likes simple stuff and is just a really nice person overall. She isn't too social, she's got like 4 friends in the school whereas I'm pretty popular and know a lot of people. Every night we'd talk till 3 A.M and got really close really quickly. From the beginning I knew she would be special. We'd spend so much time at school together, smoke weed with 2 other friends every Friday, those were the best moments. I got really attached to her and that wasn't good because I'm not a sentimental/love person but she was so special..

Anytime we had a small problem I'd get upset and when I'm upset I get mad and that isn't good. We'd get in small fights as if we were a couple or friends that knew each other for a very long time. One day I go up to her after school and decided to tell her that I'd prefer to just talk at school and I don't want her to be mad if I don't talk as much by text. She got sad and was like "Ok"she understood. That "solution" worked for 4 days until she sent me a message about IG, I was actually really happy. So now she basically knows that I really really like her. A week later I was saying that she should've listened to my "solution" and then she tells me that the truth was she too had feelings. At that moment I was so so mad but most of all I was confused as hell. This girl who has been talking about the problems with her boyfriend and that I really liked tells me that she has feeling for me like wtf ?! I got mad at her and was like "how dare you" etc. days passed and around December we got really close like, hugs all the time and everything, I was confused as hell like crazy. Of course as anybody I thought that I had a true chance like really maybe something would happen between us, it got to the point where my dreams had her in them everyday. But the problem was, I was blind, I saw her being this way with two other guys and I refused to see anything until my friend said something about it. She would be super sweet one day and barely talk to me another. Let me just say that, I had problems at that moment, drug use problems and family problems. And on top of all of my problem this was the thing that fucked me up the worse. I was so lost, should I try something, wait no she has a boyfriend, but she's not 100% in live with him, does she still have feelings for me ? Am I going to far ? - this wasn't only a heart problem, I was asking so many questions about who I am, I never opened up to people like I opened up to her. My self-esteem went down like crazy, I knew she was out of my league, she was so perfect to me and I was a sad teen who doesn't even know who she is. In January 2nd I was at a party with my best friend and another friend. Drunk, I wanted to call her, so I did, and all 3 times my friends would come in and turn off my phone, they didn't want me to say anything Imd regret. The next day I had no idea it happened. And Lola was so cold with me and I didn't know why. So I called her up and after barely talking, she hung up on me. I was in such a good mood and Then I realize she doesn't even want to speak to me or does she hate me ? Did she realize that I wasn't worth much ? - I realized that during the holidays she was at her best friend (who is basically the most perfect (physically) girl ever) and I know that she was having a great time. I really was happy for her but we didn't talk much cause she was in a different country that had like 8 hours difference either France. I knew that her feelings for me had diminished or disappeared (or maybe they never fucking existed). So on January 3rd, I was in my bed wondering why is she so mad, she did understand the situation right ? Then at one moment my self-esteem, self-pride completely disappeared and here I am crying over this girl, crying hysterically not even knowing what was wrong, all I could think was - how in the world did I allow myself, to have my happiness depending on a person, me who didn't believe in such a thing as depending on someone. But there I was in bed, tears rushing down my face not knowing who I was or what I did wrong - All of a sudden my best friend Alia called just to see how I was going in general, when she heard I was crying she hung up, we then had the most meaningful conversation by text since I could talk because of the crying and I realized that Lola was truly playing with my feelings. So I decided to tell her everything I thought about the way she was playing with my feelings and how cruel that was, that way she would know it all And I'd stop talking to her and it would all be ok with time. She answered as if she couldn't care less but I kind of knew she was gonna answer that way, because I'm sure that she truly couldn't care less. She had no sympathy for me anymore, her feelings probably never existed, it probably was all just a game. In her answer she went back to what my friends had done and said she didn't appreciated, to which I answered that it had nothing to do but she insisted that my friends had insulted her. Now at that moment I got really mad, sure She was at that time the most important person to me but I cannot accept that she tried to lie that way about my best friends who were just trying to help me. Nobody talks bad about my true friends no matter who they are. She of course tried to pin the whole shit on me but at or moment I was just like " who the fuck is this person I'm' talking to ?" I felt like she was completely different then the person I fell in love with.

How many nights have I spent awake thinking about her thinking about "us", thinking about ways it might all work out. She's the first person for whom I truly wanted the best, I knew that if she was happy with her boyfriend, it was all that mattered and I could live with that. How many times I defended her without her even knowing, how many times would I just look at her and tell myself that she was the best thing that has happened to me - All that was before I knew tant I was only a joke to her, just another person having a crush on her. I can understand but the truth is I truly didn't deserve any of all this. I still didn't understand why this happened to me.

We haven't talked for a month now, I miss her but I'm little by little forgetting about her and that's wonderful. A part of me will always love her, a part of me doesn't care about her anymore and a part of me hates her. Next year she won't be in my school, and I was hoping for such a different ending but so be it, I spent simple but perfect times with her. It's a boring and uninteresting ending but so be it. I don't know if I regret getting close to her or iI regret that text I sent her. Either way I will forever be grateful for those much appreciated moments and even though she doesn't consider this story as I do, she is the first person to have had a true profound impact on me and I will forever be grateful for that because I'm in a happier place now and it's thanks to her even though she put me thru very very tough moments, I also had amazing moments with her and I won't ever forget those moments. I still love her but I also hate her, I don't know if this all was a good thing or if she's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Hopefully with time this will just be another sad story I will be able to talk about with a big smile on my face. And I truly hope that she will have a good happy and full life. She's a really wonderful person, even though she has broken me and fucked me up. I don't want anything else but the best for her. I still see her everyday but I try to not look at her in the eyes, she seems happy, I'm just another sad teen with a broken heart.