My first love ... ??

Jen

It all started a few weeks before school started.... I was finally in grade seven and we were starting a fresh new year! I wanted this one to be a really good one after the bullying incident that happened last year (my best friend bullied my other rlly close friend and broke us apart and got us into a lot of trouble, but now we're all friends again ????)

Anyways... The first couple of weeks of school were really boring we'd just go to school sit there listen to lectures all day and then go back home and mostly watch Netflix and do the homework in the car the next morning...

Then a couple of months into the school year (during November -ish) I got a dm on insta and it was a guy from my class that was best buds w my older bro so he was kinda close to our family ... But the only odd thing was that I've never talked to him before so it was kinda awkward...

That boy also msgd my best friend and also her crush msgd her as well so she decided to make a group chat w all of us...
And that's where some of this stuff went wrong .... My friend opened her mouth and started asking everyone in the chat about their crushes, turns out my best friend's crush also had a crush on her so they kinda started wheeling and I was really happy seeing them happy .

After we found out his crush , they all started asking me of mine but I didn't have one and none of them believed me so I kinda ignored them cuz I rlly didn't have one but they wouldn't buy it .

Then they asked the kid who was rlly close to family. He wouldn't say, but I already knew who it is cuz there was a bunch of rumours saying he liked one of my best friends ( let's say her name was Mary) so I kept making fun of him that he had a crush on Mary, but he actually had a crush on someone else and the way he said those words hit me like a bus... " I know it's kinda weird but I kinda like u..."
And let's just say none of the guys have liked me I haven't liked any of the guys so I was kinda freaked out ????he liked me (after all there was nothing good in me)

so we started texting a lot and rlly often and then he asked me if I liked him and it was a rlly sad moment cuz I had to tell him I didn't ... And he was literally heart broken which made me feel really bad I tried not going to that topic and pretending like everything was fine but it rlly wasn't .

And my rlly close friend ( rose) and him were besties . They'd tell each other everything and not tell me anything ????
And mostly they'd always talk about me , so she asked him how he felt about me and he was rlly sad that I didn't like him back and he even mentioned suicide to her .. ????

When Lilly told me all this (during class) I was heart broken and rlly depressed and then I realised how much he loved me , so I kinda saw it the same way ??

But it was too late to tell him cuz I wasn't allowed to text boys and when my parents found out I did they forbid me from reaching out to him do I had to delete Instagram ????

Then my friend Mary , added him into my hangout account and after not hearing from him in a couple of weeks , when I heard from him again I was really shocked that he reached out to me again, and I was rlly happy to finally get to text him again even tho I knew what I was doing was wrong... ????

We'd text till mid night and sometimes even till 5 ! And then one night he asked me if I had feelings for him, cuz at that point he told me he didnt like me anymore so I don't have to freak , and I bought it! I believed him and said okay since u don't like me no more were just friends and he's like k cool... Little did I know he still had those feelings bottled up inside him .. ????

So then that night came and he finally admitted he still liked me but barely cuz he was just trying to get over me.. Afterwards he asked me if I had feelings for him and I couldn't keep it in anymore so I told him but I told him to keep it secret but he still went and told his best friend ???? and she was rlly happy for us but she wasn't really good at keeping secrets so eventually the whole class found out about me and him in a couple of weeks, and let's just say it wasn't good that the news travelled , cuz the kid who liked me, every girl in my class liked him except for me and his best friend and another person we don't even talk to ...

So when ppl found out he liked me they got so depressed they thought that one of them would get crushed on by him but it wasn't gonna happen so they literally went into depression and cried all night and cut them selves and almost commuted suicide it was crazy! And they'd always make me feel bad and would tell me things like: "cut ur self" " I can't believe u snatched him from us" and rlly hurtful stuff ????

and I couldn't take everyone hating me like that so I broke up w him and he went crazy ... Only cuz he cared so much for me.. He'd stay up all night making sure I'd feel better, he'd tell me all these stories how girls would hit on him and I'd just laugh cuz they were rlly funny and he'd tell me how cute I was and how nice and pretty I was, he made me see things in me I never really knew I had, just being around him would give everyone a rlly good vibe ??????

But then things in our relation ship got Worse and that was cuz he'd always compliment me and say " I love u" to me and I'd switch the topic rlly quickly and just ignore his nice compliments towards me even tho I rlly enjoyed it, I felt like it was right... ????

And it went to that point where we'd fight every day , and it just got rlly worst so we decided to break up yet we still loved each other ...
Couple weeks after that' my parents found out we were texting again so they made me stop and I had to block him and kept telling him to stop reaching out to me which broke my heart not being able to talk to him ????

We stopped texting a few weeks and then one midnight I was feeling rlly depressed so I unblocked him and re-read out previous lovey dovey msgs ?????? and it made me feel rlly better ! So a few hrs after that he reached out to me cuz I completely forgot to block him again and hearing from him just made me light up cuz I missed him a lot ???? we stayed up rlly late that night texting to each other and catching up on things and telling each other a bunch of stories and made me realize how fun the times were when we were saying cheesy stuff to each other ????

And this was like February rlly near Valentine's Day and he wanted to do something special so he wrote this rlly big and super cute song and I read it and it made me feel so good ?? but I completely forgot that this wasn't right and I had to stop it before it got out of hand which it did ????

And a few days after valentines I told him that this was the last time u could reach out to me and that he had to stop so this time he didn't fight back and say things like: "I'm sorry but I rlly love u, and the thought of us not talking makes me wanna cry , and dries up my throat..." Like last time ... He actually said good bye and we haven't talked since ????

But he keeps on asking my friends to Come up to me and ask me wether or not I still like him, and I say the same answer "no , we're just friends" and the thing is I rlly like him but if I do its get out of control and we start wheeling which I can't take anymore cuz it's not even allowed in the religion I practice so I'm trying to just stay friends even tho I know it's hurting him a lot which rlly hurts me too ????????