I Never Stopped

Cailin

At one of my school events, I kept my eye on a particular fellow for a majority of the time. You could say he was pretty popular...he knew a good amount of people and seemed to be well-liked. He was formerly a varsity football player, and varsity lacrosse player. I asked some of my friends who he was, and they told me his name was Alex. Most of the friends that I asked didn't seem to think he was that attractive, but for some reason I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. I had seen him before. Football games, basketball games, previous school events, but I never really talked to him because he was into one of my former best friends. At the time I saw him at this event, he wasn't into the same girl anymore- he was really an open book. As the event goes on, we keep being dragged near each other because we knew the same people, and eventually we started having a conversation. When the night ended, we exchanged numbers, social media, and all that, and then he kissed me. In front of everyone we knew, he just kissed me. We began texting and video chatting the next day and we saw each other on weekends. This was the only time we could see each other because we didn't go to the same school. I went to an all-girl school, and he went to an all-boy school, which is known as our "brother school". Which is why our school events are combined. Also the fact that we are both busy with our varsity sports, me a swimmer and him a lacrosse player, and because both of us are honor students. Almost 4 months went by and we were doing great. We weren't a couple yet, but we were getting to know each other and almost everyone knew about and supported our budding romance.

One day I was in math class and I was texting him. Just two days before this, we went mini golfing together which was the day he said "I love you" for the first time. But when I was in math class I noticed he wasn't talking to me the same way he usually did, and when I asked him what was wrong he said it was nothing and that he was just having a bad day. This "having a bad day" business went on for two or three days before I finally asked a friend of mine, who knew him very well, if she knew what was wrong. She said he had told her that people had been saying bad things about me behind my back to him. People said I am "clingy" and "can't hold a relationship" and other really rude things. The girl who told him was a really good friend of mine at the time, and also really close to him. I confronted him about it, and he told me he was starting to get confused about his feelings for me because of the things he heard. I was really offended, but he didn't seem to care. A couple days went buy and I asked him if he loved me. "Of course I do, I just don't know who and what to believe right now." was his response. He stopped texting me, and when I would text him he would respond every three hours or so. I voice called him, video called him, but he would just stay quiet while we were on the calls. He stopped saying "I love you", and eventually I stopped trying to make him talk to me. I am not a clingy person, so I backed off because I knew that if he wanted to talk to me, he would.

But he never did. Two weeks later we had only texted maybe three or four times, and we hadn't seen each other in almost three weeks. He wasn't making an effort to talk to me anymore and he just randomly stopped caring. I called him and we finally ended what was almost our relationship. We agreed to be friends, but after what he did next, I didn't want anything to do with him. He began telling his friends that we were never a thing, and that he didn't actually like me, that I was "obsessed" with him, and a bunch of other lies that made me look bad. After this incident, I saw him all the time. I had swim meets at his school almost every week, so I saw him whenever I had meets because he had lacrosse practice around the same time. His practices would usually end about an hour before my meets would end, so he would come and watch the meets and bring all of his lacrosse teammates with him. He would intentionally try to make me look at him by being loud or annoying or do something stupid. When I did look at him, he would start talking to his friends and say "Oh my god she won't stop looking at me!" or "Why is she so obsessed with me!" I just rolled my eyes and focused on what was important- my swim meet. I had my best guy friend there who was also a swimmer, Eliott, to support me and keep me from going off on Alex.

Alex and I never exchanged words when he would come watch the meets, until one particular time when he rattled my brain so hard I went into fury. I have always had issues with my right knee. I had re-injured it during swim practice one day, and I couldn't participate in the following week's meet. I still went to the meet of course to support my team and once again, Alex was there. I was walking back to the pool from the bathroom and I saw him sitting down on a bench taking his cleats off- his practice just ended. I wasn't going to say anything, because I have nothing to say to him, but as I was walking past I hear "You're not wet...aren't you swimming today?" "Not today," I respond "I injured my knee." "Oh," he says, "that's a bummer." I just nod, and start to slowly walk away, but I turn back after his next words. "You know, you look a little dry. I can help you out with that." I look at him like a confused puppy and I see him put his hand up. A couple seconds later I feel a freezing cold rush of water fall over me. I turn back to see three of his friends holding a bucket that was filled with the ice water that was now all over me. I was soaked, and all I heard was the sound of their laughter while they took pictures of my wet hair and clothes. I scream and curse at Alex. "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?! I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO YOU!. YOURE IMMATURE AND NEED TO GROW SOME F**KING BALLS!" him and his friends instantly shut up. "STOP ANTAGONIZING ME, LYING ABOUT ME, TRYING TO- JUST GET OUT OF MY LIFE, ALEX!" "Cailin.." I hear him say as I start to walk away. I don't look back. I don't even watch the remainder of the swim meet. I just sit in my car. I fall asleep and I wake up to see all the swimmers starting to leave the school. I drive about 4 blocks, until something stops me.

I slow down as I pass ambulances and police cars swarming around the entrance to the freeway I use to drive home. I see an elderly man on a gurney being wheeled into an ambulance. Two cars smashed into one another, and one was up on the sidewalk. I pray for the man, and just as I'm about to drive away, I realize one of the cars is Alex's. I didn't realize at first it because of the horrible damage, but I remember the sticker he has on the back window of his car. "Sh*t." I say to myself as I pull over. I get out of my car and a police officer try and stop me from entering the scene. I tell them I know someone in the accident, and they ask me who. I try and point Alex out to them, but I don't see him anywhere. I describe Alex to the police officer and he says, "He was taken to the emergency room about ten minutes ago." "PLEASE TELL ME HE IS ALIVE!!" I scream at the officer as I'm saying how I need to be with Alex, and I need to see him. After having what was close to a mental breakdown, I follow the police officer to the hospital Alex was taken to. I run down a few halls, ask where Alex is, until I stop in front of his room.

I remember slowly opening the door to his hospital room, and starting to ball my eyes out as soon as I saw him hooked up to machines, his body parts raised, his head wrapped, and cuts all over his body. "Oh my god, Alex. What the heck." I thought he was asleep until I heard him say something. His voice was so quiet and scratchy I could barely hear it. "You're a little wet. I guess you did swim after all." hey says while touching my partially damp hair. I laugh a little. "What happened?" I start crying again. "I texted you on my way home, but I didn't look up in time to see the guy in front of me, and we crashed." He has several pauses between his words. "I never got a text." I say, rummaging my pockets for my phone. He just frowns and grabs my hand with all the strength he has, stopping me from looking for it. "You're here. That's what matters." I smile and hold his hand. Just then, a nurse rushes in and tells me I need to leave so they can run tests, and so Alex can see his family. I leave the hospital and head home.

Alex died four days later after having four broken ribs, two broken ankles, a sprained wrist, a broken collar bone, and spinal damage. My only goodbye to him was a smile. Two days later I miraculously received the text he had sent to me while he was driving, just before he crashed. "Words can't how sorry I am. I love you, Cailin. I never stopped." is what his text said. It has been almost a year and a half since Alex's accident and death. I was his first and last kiss, and I am now a senior in high school. To this day I wonder how that text delivered, considering how I was told that his phone was never found. Neither was his wallet or his left shoe. I never stop thinking of Alex, and I always wonder what would have happened if he hadn't had his friends dump that water on me. He would have never had to send that text apologizing, and he would never have crashed. I was a partial cause of Alex's death, and not a day goes by where I don't have him on my mind. I hope to see Alex again someday.

Words can't describe how sorry I am. I love you, Alex. I never stopped.