Corvus In Absencia

Alex V.D.

It all began one late afternoon in class. I was only in my second year of high school but I'd like to believe I held a somewhat different mind to those who I had the unfortunate luck of being stuck with for the next few years. I'd begun a small debate around my small circle of friends over matters that truly had no validity but watching a person argue something with no basis was very amusing. We moved around the room as our small debate raged on and on (Our work had been handed in for the day, we only awaited the sound of the bell to take our leave) until finally, we sat near a soon to be graduate of the school. She looked at us with fascination but she also partially ignored us, she preferred her music to any dull argument we could possibly ever conceive. However, the moment I saw her eyes, there was something that sparked my interest, it wasn't her looks because if we are to be painfully honest she was no Aphrodite, I like to tell myself maybe it was that I saw the stars in her eyes, but I can never truly know.
After everything had been said and done I saw her once more after, she was good friends with our teacher and spent a good portion of her free time with her, I had this odd impulse to ask for her number, and from there time went by quickly.
She was a shy, somewhat naive girl, immature, yet wise in so many ways. I fell for her but I never truly accepted it and never did she suspect I felt anything. Her mind was preoccupied by another person that lead her on a self destructive path she still follows today. Our small brief hellos spiraled into 3 am conversations about dreams and life, until one day she went quiet. I waited, and I waited, and after a month of waiting she came back, but she was never the same. That person had done things to her heart that no human deserves.
She healed but her path was set, I had avoided my feelings even lied about wanting to be with others, it was all a charade to try not to get hurt, if only I'd listened to myself.

I'd suffered for nightmares for quite sometime, I never truly understood their reason to be in my life, but they took away my sleep. With her however...I learned to be happy once more when I dreamed. I'd spend hours upon hours on a cold rooftop watching stars just thinking about her but she was...different. I know now that by then drinking was her habit but I suppose everyone needs a muse.
She graduated but I did not attend, why would I? I wasn't anyone special to her, maybe she saw me as a passerby, someone who only waited at her life like one waits at a train station for the correct destination. Time passed once more and a year had gone by, she'd shown signs of feeling emotions for me, or at least I see it now, she'd however shown more signs of liking another, a girl, she was bisexual so it was easy to understand but my mind felt a numbness that led me into a spiral of sadness, I know this now but I was wrong back then.

The month of March had come, and so our city put upon their religious annual festival, a excuse to drink and party, but to also enjoy life. I saw her once again, she'd never left I'd just been more quiet, something told me to walk certain paths and I crossed once more beside her. We saw each other only briefly but seeing her eyes reaffirmed what I felt, maybe I was an idiot, maybe I was just young. The days came to pass and my birthday rolled upon the 15 of March, I celebrated late due to hectic school and works schedules, and on the 16, as only three friends showed up to celebrate with me, they took me on a trip with AC/DC blaring and every other metal you can think of, with the words of support of my few friends I bought a dozen roses, and headed for her home. Only her mother answered, I have her the gift to give to her wonderful daughter, She forgot my name however and her daughter had to ask me if it's been me, of course she was happy, she told others that small things like that could make her love. Days passed, I had no idea what to do, but the wise words of my friend sent me once more with a professional drawing and a flower to her house.

It was March 18, I knocked on her door, and again her mother came our but she smiled, her daughter stepped out and we spoke and spoke and spoke...she'd believed that I'd friend-zoned her but that she really liked me, she blushed, we tried to kiss but we both grabbed each other waists, got closer and laughed on each others shoulders. We were a couple. For the first time in my short life I felt something called happiness. My family had never truly given me the feeling but she had. And after all that...things only went downhill. Perhaps I was never close to her to know everything but her social circles had changed, she had changed. Her friends were bullies wherever they pleased and she...had only continued her path of destructive life. It was vacation time but she had failed her university classes and had to take extra time to pass her classes. I was on off on a one month vacation to another country to see family, my father. Our short relationship took its first and final test.

The first sign was a call I received so late at night, my friend told me his usual drunken blabber, but he said
"Alex, I saw her her with another girl in a way too intimate embrace, they kissed"
I wasn't mad, stunned, or anything, I just thought truly he had the wrong girl, he wasn't the wisest identifier when drunk, but he was right I just didn't know or see it.
I asked her on the doubts I had if she wishes to really be with me, her words only grew the doubt
"There's something you don't know that I need to tell you in person, I don't want to lose you, but I want to keep you safe"

The weeks flew I only intended two but three went by with plenty of family fights, I never truly did like my father, but he was my family. At the time my conversations with her died, she drifted more and more, and I felt so alone that not even my best friends could help. Her dull responses to my pleas for a show of warmth were painful, but still I bought her a shirt and a necklace, both batman themed since she loved the hero more than anything. One afternoon the nail was put, my friends confirmed the suspicions, two different people she had betrayed my trust with. I wasn't furious, I was sad, I slipped into a dark deep place.

I arrived home a month after, instead of talking to friends I went with her, I didn't confront her with the truth, I acted innocent, I hugged her gave her a gift, and told her I loved her, she kissed my cheek and said I do too, it felt like poison believe me.
During class a few days after she sent a message telling me to never stop smiling to have a good day, but that she'd been wrong she wasn't ready for a relationship, at the time my phone was in the hands of my closest friend, he answered calmly, nicely and told her
"I already know about your girlfriend."
She answered much later and told me she wouldn't justify herself, she really thought that person was worth it. She said sorry, and we parted ways, a short relationship had given me the most love I'd ever felt but it had scarred me.

Once more months passed and I finally messaged her, it was on of her drunk days, life wasn't all too nice to her, she said sorry many times, she'd dated many people only to be left alone because she saw it all as a game. Our small friendship was okay. One day she invited me to walk to with her to an abandoned place where people went to feel calm, or at least she did. We spent a long while walking since it was pretty far away, and a longer time just there talking about everything. Call me an idiot, but every good memory came to me, and I hugged her, I told her
"I really love you and want to be with you"
She gave me a sad face and said
"I don't want to hurt you. I have someone"
I felt pain but this time duller. We left we spoke less, and from there we continued to talk with periods of on and off. Nothing was really the same, I never felt love again, I tried to believe me but even when I saw the stars in another, it always ended with pain or rejection.

I never did quite heal, but I spent my team on other matters, until one day, a friends invitation to beer led to another until I messaged her a thank you for changing me, for making me happy. I graffitied two walls in the sour of the moment, a crow chasing a butterfly and in a sense of a crow. Did they hold any meaning? I can't say, drunken me probably heard music that fit the mood.

I'm now back on the same cold roof as before, I'm alone and scared of life, but for some odd reason, there's calm in me.
Thanks M, for the memories.