Her

Nick

I've never been the type to share emotions like this... I'm more the good looking, athletic, party type that shuns emotions but I was feeling down, stumbled across this site and, seeing how many women posted about lost love, wanted to tell a story from the other end of the spectrum. Maybe I lack the eloquence of writing to paint this properly, but I'd might as well try. If at all I seem like a conceited prick, it's because I don't know how to write.

First time I lay eyes on her, I was 13. God, even then she was beautiful. The way her eyes glow in the sun, a smile that warms parts of my soul I wish had remained untouched... 32-24-32, this girl was breathtaking and my dream girl, the type you do a double or triple take when you see her. She was funny, incredibly smart (third highest SAT score in a class of 450), genuinely good, caring, charitable, active, social, bubbly, perfect to me. We were friends until grade 9 when we dated for about a month, and then we broke up. I was devastated and it really served as a trigger for the manic depression with which I was diagnosed later that year. I abused a lot of weed, booze and as a sophomore even coke. I went wild in school, got suspended quite a few times, and worst of all I disgusted her. As advised by my shrink, I took a step away from her. I met other girls, lost my virginity, had lots of fun and with therapy and medication, improved myself immensely, though I'd be lying if I said it wasn't nearly entirely because I believed she'd be with me if I became more than I previously was. For the first time in two years, I felt good.

April of junior year rolls around. I'm not really sure how but we became close again. It was hesitant and slow, just friends. In my school, the incoming head boy, head girl, and the social events prefects get to attend prom with dates. I was her date by some miracle, and she turned out to have really strong feelings for me. She was so nervous right before I kissed her that she couldn't speak, only stutter. Over the summer we spent good time together. We hung out every day, went on tons of dates, it was a relationship without the titles because we felt that being in a committed unison would be too much unnecessary pressure. She let me take her v card in November of the same year. She was a very shy girl and worked (academics and employment) a stupid amount, so sex wasn't that frequent but when we did, it was damn good. This continued through senior year until about March. I loved this girl by then. We didn't fuck a lot, so it really was emotional. My dad died when I was young, my brother's an asshole and my mom worked all day every day so I never really loved my family, allowing me to say with confidence I have loved no one the way I did her in my life, before or since. Nearly 6 years have gone by and I still miss her every day. I digress.

March rolls around. Things seemed... different. She was off, dry, we didn't see each other as much. I asked her what was wrong multiple times but to no avail. Around this time my best friend, a girl I grew up with and who I shared history with in those two years I was sick, had strong feelings for me. I told her I wouldn't go to prom with her because of this girl... she was devastated, and told me the girl would break my heart. I was arrogant and short sighted, and told her I knew, but I had no idea. I still feel guilt for how I treated my oldest friend. The night of prom, I asked the girl again what was wrong and what was gonna happen between us. She told me it was over and it was because I, in March, said a very rude thing about her at a party that I don't remember saying. To this day I still don't know what it was. I accepted that. People make mistakes and you have to pay your dues...

Grad trip. An organization took us out to punta cana to party for a week and commemorate our graduation with other random schools. A brief disclaimer, I think I've always been successful with women and she was a 10 so I knew she'd find other guys, so I felt it'd be OK seeing her with others because I'd find others too... but on the second night she met a man who I firmly believe is a demigod.

She was with him the rest of the trip. They fucked like rabbits. If you don't know what it's like to be trapped, forced to watch the most important person in your life be happier with another than with you despite having given your heart and soul to them, I pray you never find out. Whoever I was before that trip is dead and buried there. If the breakup was bad after a month of dating when I was young and dumb, it was 50 times that this go-around. I can't begin to describe what it felt like. I refuse to let anyone make me feel that way again. I know I was a dick, and maybe I'm a little despicable, but no one deserves to watch their dreams be destroyed like that. She didn't break my heart, she reduced it to nuclear ash. They fucked in a week what we did in nearly 1.5 years. The saddest part of it all is that she knew how I felt and didn't stop.

I would give anything to be able to go back, to change things. I miss her immensely. What happened to me is an injustice. I deserved better, and yet I don't hate or resent her. She's it to me, always has been and always will be. There is no one else for me. I haven't spoken to her since but I still shed a tear or two every so often. It still hurts to think about them on that island, and I think it always will. If I could spend one last day with her like when we were 18, to feel that way one last time, I could die in peace.

The point of my story is this: to a man, there is nothing like her. That one girl that pulls you apart effortlessly, that can raze you with a glance or fill your life with sunshine from just a kiss. I didn't deserve what happened to me. Peoples' dreams don't deserve to be broken because they are personal, deep, and are shaped by who you are in a way others couldn't understand. The memories from that island... I would give a lot to erase them. They eat me alive inside... and I still love her all the same.
Maybe this wasn't a sad story, but my shit attempt at closure over ancient history. Either way, I hope it was worth a read.