Nothing...

Clary Barns

drip, drop, drip, drop. I watch as the rain falls outside my window, growing slightly bored. The TV is on in the background, MTV is on. I look around my room, thinking, day dreaming, pointing out how messy it is, and how i should get up and do it. But I don't feel up to it, just like I don't feel up to doing anything. Hi I'm Charlie, a 15 year old girl, waiting for her life to get better, cause as everyone says, it gets worse only to get better, but so far it hasn't happened. I deal with depression, social anxiety, and Like many people, I think way too much. My phone dings, notifying me of a new message, and no it's not from a friend, i don't have anymore of those. But it's from my mother.
Mom-Hey hun, not gonna be home tonight, your brother has a visitation with his dad, and then we are staying at your aunts. Love ya!
I frown. Again? My mom has only been here 2 days out of the week, normally it is 3. She avoids me, and when she is here, she criticizes my laziness, or says how "slutty or pathetic" i am, just like most of my family. I'm used to this by now, being alone, or criticized. I choose to get out of my bed, and change, I put on my Grey hoodie and some blue jeans. Too tired to do much more. I head down to the kitchen and look at the contents in the fridge. Nothing. I want nothing, oh well. I walk to the living room and sit on the couch, and do nothing, I don't have enough effort to do anything, but stare at the blank TV, and sit there.

I get up at 6 am, rubbing my eyes before turning off my alarm. I yawn and slowly get up out of my bed. also known as heaven. i get dressed into my flannel, and some blue skinny jeans along with my converse. i do my make up which consists of nude eye shadow chap stick and some mascara. I brush my Brown hair, grab my bag and leave. Knowing my mother isn't home yet. Once i get to school, I stop, it's him, my crush. You ever get that instant feeling to crawl up in a corner and hide, yeah well i just got that feeling. He looks at me and smiles, he is new to the school, and noticed me a few days ago, when i noticed him when he got here. He has the most beautiful green eyes, and brown hair. his smile makes my heart melt. Ugh! shut up. He is 18 though, which is too old right now. i walk by, looking down ignoring his gaze. classes fly by, so far no homework, and now it's lunch. I've talked to him, found out where he was from and what he liked, but other than that nothing else but small "heys" or "hi's" but today I'm asking him to the dance coming up. He is sitting there in the library, reading his book. I sit in front of him. "Hi" i say almost too queitly for him. "hello" he says. Then silence. "uh you going to the dance?" i blurt out. he shakes his head yes. I smile. "got a date?" he says no. I smile wider. "Wanna go with me?" he looks up and smiles. "Sure why not" I smile more. Butterflys explode in my stomach, i shake my head, "yay can't wait see you later" then the bell rings. He hasn't smiled or talked to me much since the first time, i feel like I'm annoying him, like i do to everyone else. another problem i have, ADHD, and it seems to annoy alot of people. But i can't help it. That's a reason no one really likes me, or wants me, cause i'm either annoying, bitchy, or pathetic. It sucks but I'm all good. I get into class and look at the girl next to me, whom is like a friend, but i know we aren't really. "Hey i asked him" i say, she smiles. "What did he say?" I smile back. "Yes" she squeals and so do I. I honestly am happy. School ends and i go home. And mom is there. "Hey honey, how was school?" I smile. "It was great" i say and start towards my room. "What happened?" she asks, smiling wide, like she knows something happened. "i have a date to the dance, you know John the guy i like, he said yes" i say. She smile even more. "Oh honey I'm so happy for you, I hope you have fun" she says, hugging me in the process.
~2 days later~ I'm in class, doing my homework, wanting to get it done so i don't have any at home. The bell rings and dismisses us, finally. I see him, and he doesn't smile, it was like that yesterday too. I brush it off and go to the cafeteria. Not hungry i sit down and read. 10 minutes later everyone is almost out of the cafeteria, probably out running around the school, like i used to do. He i s sitting alone, and i walk over to him. "hi, how are you?" i ask, fiddling with my fingers. "He looks up and shrugs. "same" i say, sitting down. This girl walks up to us. "hey love birds, you going to the dance?" she tease. I blush and he looks at me. "hey i don't want to go with you now." it breaks, my heart shatters for the 100th time in my life. everytime. it always happens. "okay its cool" i say and get up and walk away, fighting back tears. It's always me, it gets good then boom, nothing. I feel pathetic, like everyone says i am.

I think that's the saddest thing. When i realize that i am nothing, that i am pathetic, and worthless, that i don't matter to this world, that i am the forgotten "friend" the left out family member, the one no one likes. The annoying one. It hurts, it really does. I hate this, I hate knowing this, that I am nothing.

But I'm still here, no matter how hard it is, because i know i have worth some how i do. I know someday it will be worth it. someday, i will matter and i will be something. And THAT right there THAT makes me happy, just the tinest bit, but its still there.

What makes you happy? What makes you stay? What makes you know your worth? how are you important in your eyes? What is your meaning?

This story is all true, and no her name isn't Charlie, it's me. No need for sympathy, i want to know about you. And sorry about my spelling errors and more.

Love ya~ Clary