How Should I Feel About My Life?

Mitchell Harrison

Help me. I can’t deal with the stress anymore. Every day is the same thing. I get physically abused, mentally destroyed, emotionally ruined. What have I done wrong? Why won’t anybody help me? I’m sorry. Do I deserve this torture? Even if it is from a family member I love and care for? I would do anything to help them through a tough time and in return I get hurt. I always end up hurt. No matter how much support I give others, no matter how much I care about them, they always hurt me. They always leave.

Everything I’ve done is flushed down the drain. Most of the people that leave me, I would lay down my life for. I’m trapped in an endless cycle of betrayal, deceit and suicide. The ones I love, my Uncle, my Sister, my Mother, they have all tried committing suicide. My Uncle was successful. He drove into an excavator and crushed his side of the car. My Mum has tried overdosing, she tried giving me away to my Grandmother at the age of 5 and 10. My Sister tried cutting her wrists, she tried overdosing, she tried to run away from home and drown herself.

What is wrong with my family? My aunt is a heavy drug user, who lost her daughter because of the things she did. She had needles on the floor of her house, drugs being brought into her house all the time. Sometimes, she would even forget to cook food for her daughter or go to the shops and buy food. My cousin had to go to other houses to ask for a sandwich.

I need to toughen up. It isn’t my fault though. I’m a weak person. I can’t deal with any more loss, betrayal or heartache. Throughout my life, I have learned many things. Majority of those include who you can and cannot trust, who is lying and who is telling the truth. Those things are important to know in life.

People who have been hurt before know how I feel. If anyone ever needs a hand, I’m always there. I know how hard it is to talk to people you’ve never met before. You have trouble trusting them, you are unsure as to whether they will tell others or judge you. It’s difficult. That’s why I am there for those I know. I try helping.

Thinking about everything I have lived through, everyone who has left me, harmed me or put me down, I realise everything that happened was for a reason. If those things didn’t happen, I never would’ve met the one I love. I never would've met my best friend. I don’t know where I’d be without them. These people mean the world to me. If I were to hurt them in any way, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
My best friend was convinced by my ex-girlfriend that I was doing inappropriate things while they were together. He was ready to bash me. After that, I’ve been quite edgy. I can’t tell whether he will hurt me one day by accident, or if he will smash my head into a wall. I have trouble trusting my closest friends and family at times. Sometimes I even have trouble trusting my partner. This is messed up; it hurts not knowing whether the feelings people say they have are true. Yet I’m still here for people. No matter how many times I’ve been hurt, I still want to help people. Is that normal? I need guidance, but my mind and body is so sore. Help.