Something that we Need to Think About

Jillian Bone

Growing up I always heard, “your nothing to me, you're ugly and fat, I hate you and my favorite you are a mistake, etc.” If you hear it enough you will start to believe it and it’s hard especially when it's from the people you love. I always thought that I meant nothing to people when I was growing up and I still feel like that now and i'm sixteen years old. I have been through it all the bullying, depression, rape, abuse, being neglected and more. It takes a toll on you no matter what you do to hide it, it always comes back even if you push it down so deep in your heart. Everyone says that life has its up and downs and its true, its not a lie when they say that is 100% true that life definitely has its ups and downs.


In my life it seems like there are are more downs then ups. I also know what it is like to feel hated by everyone it's the worst feeling in the world. There are some days I just want the get in bed and just stay there and forget the world. Other days I get out of bed and put a fake smile on and I act like everything is amazing and i'm having the best day ever. I'm always there for anyone that needs help, whether it is them needing advice, a friend, a hug, or even someone that they can just cry and vent to and anything else I can do for them. My point is that i'm always there for anyone that needs help and no one is there for me when I need it.


When there is something wrong with me everyone will know because I get really quiet and I don't say much or if I do talk barely anything is said from me when i'm hurting. What people don’t understand is why I get really quiet. The reason why is because I am trying to think about what i'm going to do with what is going on. Some people don’t understand what others go through. I'm not saying I have been through everything but with what I have gone through I understand a lot of what is going on that's why people can come to me with what they are going through cause I will always be there even if you don't want me to be there.


I know that this sounds like it's all about me but it's based on my life and what I have gone through and it's all true sadly. I can’t change what you or I have gone through all I can do is help the best I can. Now i'm not going to lie to you it's going to be the worst thing you can talk about no matter what it is. The reason I say this is because it's not easy opening up to what is wrong with you it is hard, especially if you just bottle things up until you explode and you can't do it any more. I have lost friends because they killed themselves because they couldn't do it any more, or they drink and do drugs. Me, myself am completely against doing all of that because I have seen what it does, it messes with your mind.


Everyone has there own way of dealing with things for some it's punching things, music, talking, writing, or they have come up with there own thing to learn to deal with it, but it should never be drugs or drinking or cutting, everyone is different in their own way no one is ever the same we all have things that make us different and that’s good no one should ever be the same as another person. What makes you different is what makes people like you. Anyways back to what I was saying life happens to be the most difficult thing in the world. It also takes a huge toll on your mind and if you have a really bad life it can affect you in the future and it sucks when you think your not worth anything and that the world would be better off without you, but it's not we are all here for a reason.




Another thing that it hard to deal with for me is seeing my family hurt and cry their eyes out (not really cry their eyes out ) but cry until they can't cry anymore. That is the hardest thing for me. I use to have nightmares like really really really bad nightmares, in the dreams I would see my whole family get brutally murdered, and if it wasn't my whole family it was my mom that I seen die. The first nightmare that I had about my family dying was the one when my mom had to go overseas the have her surgery done but they wouldn't let her on the boat, so she had to get over there on her own but then it skipped and I was watching over her like from the sky and all I remember was my mom laying on the beach all bloody and broken up and the next thing I know is the paramedics getting my mom the the hospital and rushing her into surgery and after it when to me at school in class and the cops coming into my class and asking “if I was there”, and when the teacher pointed to me and the whole class was saying “oooooooooooooo you're going to jail you're in trouble” after the class said what they said the cop turned around and said “she's not in trouble we are here to get her and then we have to go get her sisters her mom is dead” after he said that I just remember crying my eyes out. That was just a dream but it felt so real like it was really happening I woke up in tears after having that dream.


That was just one of the dreams the second one I had was when my family and I had gone to bed and when I woke up I couldn't move because there was 2 cement blocks on my hips and I couldn't move them so I started to yell and cry because it was really scary and my ex boyfriend came running in the house and when he got to me I asked him “how he got in the house if the door was locked” after he looked at me and he said “the door wasn't locked it was open” so I just looked at him and said “well get these things off of me” so he did after I got up I noticed that my baby sister Jasmine was not breathing and there was blood everywhere so I stood up and looked at my other sister Neveah to see if she was still breathing, and she wasn't breathing either and there was blood all over the place so I ran out of my room and when to the living room to my older sister Dominique to see if she was still alive and she wasn't and there was blood all over the ceiling and windows. I hurried up and ran to my mom's room to see if she was still alive and she was in her bed but she wasn't sleeping and she also wasn't breathing so I started to crying a lot after I calmed down a little I picked up my mom's phone to call my aunt that lives down the hill, and a cop picked up her phone and when I said auntie and I was crying the cop said “mame who are you and what is going on” all I could do was cry. When I told the cop what happen at my house he said “the same thing happened to my aunt but there were no survivors at all” so I called the cops so they could come to my house and help me I found my other aunts number and called her and the same thing happened again so I was the only one that was left in my whole family everyone was gone and dead I was all by myself with no one to help me.


I am normally not such a weak person I am the strong one in my group and at home aside from my mom. The thing is that in this last dream I had was not about my family dying it was about me dying. In the last dream I had, started with me at home and collapsing then the paramedics were taking me to the hospital after that I ended up in a room and my mom was crying and when I woke up and seen her crying in the dream I asked what was wrong with her like why was she crying? She looked at me and she said that I was dying of cancer that's why I collapsed at the house. At the time my dad was home from prison and we were happy, but after that happened me being in the hospital it was not good they started fighting all the time. I ended up going home that week because I didn't want to stay at the hospital anymore so my mom and my dad took me home. I went to bed and all I remember after that was me standing over my body and my mom running in the room because I flatlined, after that my mom just started to cry and a few weeks passed and my mom and my dad were fighting all the time because I stayed around for a while to see if they would be okay but my dad left my mom and told her “there is nothing left for me here the only reason I came back was for her and now she is not here so there's no reason for me to stay here with you”


That dream broke me so much I was broken before but after that dream it ended up throwing me into a depression because I felt like he would to do that. The reason on why these dreams hurt me so much is because I have had dreams many times that will come true a few days or weeks later and what if these dreams came true. What would happen to me and my sisters for first one? What would happen to me for the second one? The last one What would happen to my mom and my sisters for the last one? After I had these dreams I started to really participate at and in church, I noticed a change but only a really little one so I started to pray that God would give me someone that could save me and help me with what I was going through and a few weeks after me praying for that person, he put the most important person in my life. I say that he is the most important person in my life because he has helped me through so much in the past year I think.


The guy he put in my is also the guy that I started to like almost three years ago. I met him during the mission trip that my church had almost three years ago. The funny thing is that I just recently found out that he liked me back tell me that not funny because he started liking me around the same time I started liking him. My past year has been really hard on me because I keep having these dreams and it is truly scary.