Middle school sucks

Anonymous

So i guess I'll start this off by saying I've never really liked myself. My while life I've put myself down and called myself names. I felt worthless. I think i was born with depression, or maybe it just developed at an early age. I started selfharming at the age of five. I felt really angry and sad all the time and selfharming destracted me from those feeling and even helped me feel better. Im not saying to selfharm, its a awful thing and i hope i never get caught up in it again.

Theres a couple reasons as to why i was depressed. For one, i felt like my dad was dissapointed because he wanted a son. He would always say things like "its ok for you to be soft because your a girl". Hes really sexist and i felt like he didnt expect anything out of me or even wanted me for that matter. I later found out i was a mistake, as most people are. If you dont know what that means, it meeans that i wasnt planned and my parents didn't intent to have me.

So basically, my whole life i tried to impress my dad, i tried to be strong, and have no emotions exept happiness(well fake happiness anyways) he still treated me the same. So i started rushing to the doors at resturants and opening the doors for him instead of him opening them for me. He still treated me the same. So i thought maybe acting like a "boy" wasnt enough so I needed to dress like one. I wore baggy shirts and sweats, and in seventh grade i had plans to cut my hair short. But then i realized that no matter what i did, i was still a girl. I was still weaker and inferior to men(in my dads eyes) and he would still treat me the same.

That summer before eighth grade, i was really depressed, and i had lost touch with reality. I still feel disconected, like im not weighted down and im just watching life go by and im not actually in the moment, just watching it.

Eight grade was rhe worst year of my life. The only person that made me happy was my grandma. We were really close, and even though she didnt directly know about my depression, she still helped me. In eighth grade she developed dementia. She used to be so happy, and when she developed dementia, she was as depressed as me. I started crying because i felt like she didnt like me because she was never happy when i came to see her anymore. Maybe she was happy, but she didnt smile and she was always monotone.

At the same time, i was getting bullied at school. I was bullied from kindergarden to the end of eighth grade. My only friend started bullying me, she would make me feel stupid and ask me questions she knew i wouldn't know the answers to. And when i didnt know she would say "how do you not know?" And everyday she would make fun of my clothes.

When my grandma died, i told only two people, this one nice girl in my class and my only friend. The nice girl sympathised with me. I was so sad that i told my friend later on in the day instead of when i got to school. She knew something was up. And when i told ger she said "i knew that you were going to tell me anyways, you know that right?" With a big smile on her face. She didnt even try to make me feel better.

On top of all of that, i hated myself for another reason. Since i was little, i liked girls and boys. And since i was little i was taught being a homosexual was wrong. In middle school, my attraction to the same sex grew stronger, and i felt like i was a phsychopath, since thats how i was taught homosexuals were.

I felt worthless and alone and crazy. my friend was bullying me, my classmates were bullying me, i felt like i wasnt good enough for my dad, and my bestfriend (my grandma) had died. I felt like there was no point in living anymore, i became suicidal.
I had stopped cutting in the middle of seventh grade, but i started again i. Eighth grade because things were getting really bad and i didnt care anymore.

When i came to highschool, i knew nobody. My classmates had ditched me and shunned me, and my only "friend" had gone to another school. Luckily, i went to a summer program for freshman and i made friends there. I was alot happier in Highschool, the people i hung around didnt judge me and i wasnt shamed for being myself. And i had stopped selfharming by junior year.

The reason i write this? I want people to know that life gets better. It may take awhile, and it may seem like it wont ever happen, but it will. I felt like that too, for years. I felt like theres no point in life anymore, and sometimes i still do. But you only get one life, even if it sucks. I think we better make the most of it. But if you hold on, even for years, i promise you it will get better