Open The Darkness, I'm Home

casey

I can't understand why we're so board. she's looking at me with eager eyes on a Friday night. Her ex boyfriend is still living with her. Im guessing Jess wants to leave for the night. I ask her do you want to take a ride? With a pouting face Jess says no. She asks me if I can get into a bar or buy any alcohol? With a big grin yeah lets go...but first i need to make a call. I picked up the phone and it stated to ring the i.d. said holtman. I thought to myself..its been a long time since I herd from him. Hello. hey bud I was just thinking you might want to have a drink with me. Why you having a party? Well its just all the guys. I look at Jess and ask her if she wants to hang with me at a party. I can see it in her face that's just what a Friday night was meant for. Yeah John that sounds good. I'll be up. Jess asked who was that? Just a old friend that was weird he called like that. But he always been a friend its not to often he throws I party. I bet it would be nice. Cory, Jesse's ex starts crying and says why are you doing this to me? I told him get over it we've been seeing each other for a month now. Why are you still here. Jess storms out the door and Cory says..just watch man she is going to do it to you. I walked out shaking my head. As I got in the car I got a unsettling feeling of guilt. I look over at her and start the car. What is he doing I said. Jess looks at me. Well what do you mean? Why is he still living in your apartment. Jess was shocked and said he paid to live there. Well why don't you kick him out and I will pay to live there? She didn't say anything Jess just smiled and stuck the tip of her tong out. I thought it was cute so I dropped my argument, put the windows down,cranked up three days grace and said let just have a good time. As im pulling up to my usual spot I can see in the window and every one is watching. Suddenly I got that gut feeling I shouldn't be there. Jess I got bad feeling about this party. Its been so long since I've seen these people. Jess says why don't we go in and have a drink and if its not cool there we can go. Okay sounds good enough for me. I used to live here John won't expect me to knock just walk right in. Besides he seen me pull up. I can here music and chatter upstairs. Filmilar voices echo off the bare walls where my drawings used to hang. I felt discuss as a seen the once proud bachelor pad in deploring conditions. Walking up the steps I can see everyone through small fist holes in the wall. I come up to the bedroom door and everyone greeted me with a smile and hand jesters I didn't even know. Jess walked in behind me and john yelled to me. Are you having a I said yeah! Its in the freezer the stuff you like! Crown?? Yep John asked me yo pour me one I got a surprise when you come back up. Jess you need a drink? No she said Ben gave her one. So now I feel good everyone is cool its going to be a good night. I could do with out Ben though that guy always screwing with me. On my way back up the steps I can here taping and snorting. I can see through the hole that everyone is doing drugs now. I walk in the room and see Jess on Ben sitting in his lap doing a line. I gave John his drink and he offered me a line. John I said i can't do that. Im working on my engineering degree. Okay dude more for me. Ben get away from my girl or im going to start calling you sparky! I yelled at him. Ben pushed her off and I got glared at he ask why you gonna call me that? Because im a nice guy I give dogs their names. Well here we go twenty minuets in and now its a fight. Jess lets go im not into drugs like this. No she said I want to stay. Fine stay here im out. I don't need this and I surly don't want it. I decide to go talk to Cory I want to get the scoop on this girl. I get down to her house and called the land line Cory answers. Hey its Casey you were right something is wrong with here. I told you man you didn't wanna here it. Well im outside buy the door could I come in? Yeah yeAH come on up. Cory tells me that she has been doing drugs for a few months I thought that's why she was with you. What do you mean? I said confused. I thought you did coke Jess has been sleeping with drug dealers cheating on me when I stopped paying for it. Wow I said its clear know I don't do drugs but I give her money for what ever she asks for. So you let me sleep with your girl on your bed to feed her drug habit? That cruel to let her do that if you love her get her help. She is up at John's house doing coke now. Then we here a knock on the door I figured it was Jess but John walked in. Hey case you owe me a hundred bucks for what I asked? Your girl just did that much in coke and said you would buy more. No way dude im done with her. Okay I see John says. Oh and if it makes you feel better Jess is all over Ben now. I said yeah that's what coke shores do! He walked out and I herd a ringing in my head from the silence. I thought to my self as I walked to my car. I could be in new Orleans right now but I stayed for her. I could be done with Scholl but I stayed. It could of been love if she wasn't hooked on drugs. I few days go by and I've been staying at my sisters house. My emotions were filling me to the point of agony. I wish I could go back to that night and change the way things happend. My sister called for me. Casey phone call it must be the recruitment agency for the oil rig in new Orleans. Hello this is Casey, hi its Judy im sorry we couldn't get you the bus but if you can be there in five days we can get you in. Yeah I can drive there now problem I am happy to leave as soon as possible. Ok then Casey I will be waiting for you. My sister sees the heart ache in my face. Its okay case why don't you take five bucks and grab a coke and a pack of smokes for me. Okay sis see you in a bit. Walking out to my car I see John driving down the street blowing all the stop signs. So I get in my car to pull away but I get blocked in. He gets out in a rage and smashes in my windshield with his foot. through the shifted in reverse and hammer into a fence. John fell infront of my car and I put it in first gear. Luckily my transmission slipped and he drove off. The only damage done was to my car and I didn't have insurance. Now I can't make it back to school for sure. Drugs are runining my life and I don't even use drugs. I called josh and said well i think you got your moneys worth and hung up. My sister called the police I told them the car was going to the junk yard anyway I doubt I will press charges.

My mind was racing my heart was breaking and for the first time in my life i lost control of my thoughts. All I could do is think about how worthless my life had become in one weekend's time. I don't know if this caused my depression or if its always been there. But right now I want to hang myself. Trying to shake away my thoughts I went for a walk. I stopped at the speedy mart I grabbed a Mt.dew and a five dollar scratch ticket. Walking out of the store I scratch of all the prizes and by the looks of all the high dollar prizes I didn't win but I put it in my pocket anyway. My thoughts were getting to me. How could I feel this much pain? I am not physically hurt, and I can't seem to find myself. Im not making any sense to myself. Now im talking to myself. Something happend to me that night and I need professional help.
My life was at a stand still i can feel a thickening silence in me. I am very relaxed and at ease with my self. I can tend to my feelings and mend my sole. I felt the weight of gravity lifting off my body. I am unsure of how long its been but I can see visions of a pill bottle and my sister with her finger in my mouth. I can here the soft silence starting to break with a horrible ringing noise. My body is in pain again I open my eyes crying. Im in a hospital hooked up to all kinds of stuff. I pulled all the tubes out and screamed. That was all I can remember I woke up in a different room with a desk and paper work. How to cope with thoughts and depression. Try a hobby....really  I asked I dropped the paper on the floor. I looked out the window across from my bed. It must be early morning I can here people moving around out side the door. A male nurse comes in and asked me if I had any thoughts of suicide or harming others. I said no, he asked me what happend? I don't know I guess I almost died from taking pills. With a raised eye brow he asked. Do you know where you are? Yeah I am in a hospital. You been in the i.c.u. for a few days then you came here last night. Here? What's here? Casey you are now in a mental health care unit the doctor here wanted to evaluate you. I raised my voice and said I don't need it! He interrupted my soon to be rant with...well your here for seventy two hours like it or not and walked our. I was to weak to leave any way.Emerging from the hospital I was glad to walk home. I love long walks anyway and it was a calm breezy day with puffy clouds in the air. Walking for an hour and a half gave me time to think how I want to plan my life but all I could do is admire the world...must be the meds. All I really wanted was my bike and a long trail to ride. I finally made it to my sisters house nobody was home but the basement door was unlocked. I was going through some close I had and found that lottery ticket. At first i thought loser but I never checked I scratched the rest off and won twenty grand. Shocked and happy I claimed my prize in a week without anyone knowing.  Now fifteen grand in my pocket I grasped my bike and caught the first bus out of Pittsburgh. Heading to Erie pa. and out of the town full of people I hate and away from drugs in my face. On the bus I thought about what I would do. I knew I couldn't live long off this money it might be better if I save it and find a job. So when I arrived in my new town I saw the lake and it was beautiful. The bus station was right on the shore I seen sea gulls everywhere and boats. The sun was shining bright and the air was cool, the smell was new. I explored the town with a feeling of curiosity on every turn. I found bike stores places that have live music and free food at a soup kitchen that is so good. It was the only place I ate every day three meals. I put  my money in a bank and told the story about how I won and what I wanted to do. They suggested a cash deposit for a year and I would gain what I paid in taxes back. So I was broke for a year witch want bad  I had hopes of finding a job. Living on the was not fun though but I soon found the place I ate, they too sheltered people. I had to be there by nine at night and hope I get a bed and I had to leave by seven in the morning. After a few days I found out that they let people live there also. Only if you had a drug addiction and you wanted help. If I signed on i could stay for the year get my life together and move on. One problem I was not hooked on drugs.