love will tear you up

casey

Have you ever felt love for someone To the point past emotional bliss? I have, and still do I married her.
I herd codependency was a bad thing for couples. To feed off of each others feeling could cause a break up? I doubt that theory very much. Maybe my marriage isn't the definition of that, its more like or love grew its own vascular system and we thrive off the respect, trust, and support from each other.

It was a cold morning I can feel it in my bones. I couldn't wait to feel the heat of the melted steel inside the mill. I didn't waste any time in the locker room chatting about the weather I knew all the small talk. Straight into work ten minuets early my crew had no idea I was even there. I stayed busy alone better then in a group. A coworker found me and told me my phone has been ringing none stop. I said its fine just my wife trying to say good morning's, I'll take a break soon. Ten minuets later I was interrupted again this time my father in law called a friend of mine. I can take my break now it must be important. I called back...hey Casey your wife is in the hospital she was rushed into emergency. I can feel deep thuds in my chest. What happened I ask. He was reluctance in saying but he told me she is okay and talking. Should I come home? What happened? They think it was a stroke. I can feel my heart strings snapping and everyone in the break room was looking at me. I'll be there as soon as possible. I think we were married a year when I got that news. It was a forty minuet drive home and I had time to think. I thought about how a twenty seven year old could have a stroke? What if they are wrong? Mostly I thought about how strong she is and how deep in love I am to be in this much pain.

I didn't want to leave her side. She was scared and hurt, I could feel the pain just by her big beautiful eyes.I could only see her a few hours at a time I tried to be alone, so know one would see me cry. Her family wouldn't give me the chance. I think That's when I found out how much I was cared for too. I did get some time to myself to walk the halls of that place. I don't remember looking up from the floor but I was in the gift shop. Out of the corner of my eye I seen a pink turtle with big sad looking eyes. I picked it up and read the tag. Its name was shellbe, I started to tear up a little because shell be okay went round my head for hours as I prayed. Needless to say I bought the pink turtle. My wife shell, went through every test known to diagnose her and every time she was taken away from me I felt horrified. I told her she was going to be fine this is a good place. I think she saw my poker face though and told me to stay calm.

You might of never herd about this because its not common in eastern united states. Moya Moya, yeah that's what caused the stroke. Its a Japanese word for puff of smoke. Oddly when you looked at her brain vessels the resemblance off a puff of smoke was plain as day. The doctor explained that the main artery in her brain was narrow, thin, and clenching. This caused new smaller capillary blood vessels to form. In order to get blood to the vital parts of the organ this caused an odd a peculiar formation of those capillaries. Basically its like relying on a ford to run your brain.

A few years later she gained control of the left side of her body again. Things are looking good with now huge stroke for three years. We took up bicycling and healthier food. Some things needed to be avoided one thing was having a baby. We tried before the stroke and was told babies are not happening anyway. I guess the new healthy lifestyle was enough to get the baby maker in motion because she showed me a positive test.

Doctors, doctors, more doctors. Seven months and a whirl of confusion we come down to a plan. She might now survive a natural birth so a surgery was the choise. It took a congregation of doctors to decide that. I don't want to go in to all the detail but or little love bean was doing okay for the situation also shell was doing good.

Thanksgiving day also shell's birthday she was having contractions...concerned we left for the hospital. The hospital I didn't like but the closest. Confused intern nurse in training could not find the heart beat just like last time. An hour goes by and still the nurse couldn't find it. I grew impatient and told her to get a professional doctor to do the exam. Shell has been in pain the whole time. Tension has been growing and the thought of or son being dead loomed in or heads. Although not spoken yet I seen it in her eyes. The doctor opened the door with a computer that can see into the womb. Well I am sorry I can't find a heart beat....the room was full of tears when the grandparents came in. The pain I felt at that time for the first time was not of my own. Each face I looked at was a samurai sword slicing my sole. I couldn't look up. The doctors order an emergency c.section I freaked out and said. You didn't want to touch her when my son was alive and she is not having surgery here! We want a transport now! With in minutes we got into an ambulance.

I don't know if this was the best idea but I never trusted that hospital. I was buckled in just arms lanth from her. I couldn't take my eyes off her as the ambulance sped off. Not even three minuets go by and she starts to go in labor. A hour Cruz to get to the next trust worthy hospital the paramedic said to drive faster. Looking at my wife I was confused. I don't know how other men feel about a woman in labor? I think its stunningly beautiful how a woman's body can do that. This situation was wrong though. The greatest moment of my life was choking me. If she pushes him out she might have a stroke, I won't hold my son and see him take his first breath. This might be the last time I see my wife. As we get on the highway the sirens blasted and I seen the speedometer hit a hundred and shell said she couldn't breath and started to vomit. I couldn't speak no word all I had in me now was resentment for god. How could we be going through this why would god make her carry a baby to term and take him? How could you give me the most beautiful sight and turn it into the most painful moment I've been in. Five minutes to get there and she is fully in labor. I knew it was to late for surgery and a lost all faith in god. Before I knew it i was walking in the hospital and in fear that I was leaving alone in the next hour. I never left my wife but I was told a few time to leave. But I saw my sons foot come out first. Even though the circumstances I felt very proud yet grief struck me when I seen his lifeless body emerge. On November 27th 2016 a child was born. A child we fought for and longed for. We now grieve for. I could write a book about what happened the few days we spent in the hospital. Shortly said it was hard to believe a miracle happened even thought shell beat all the odds against professional advice. The hardest part for me was the funeral home,I didn't want to sign nothing and I didn't want to be in a house of death.

Its January 28th 2017 two months after the most beautiful disaster I've seen. I see into her eyes after all that's been done for us. Its still isn't enough for the wounds that I too have. They bleed no more from the loss but from when every night she crys. Every moment she wishes for time to turn back, and asks god why all these things happen. I bleed for her, the love we share is that vascular system that pumps between us. But what if love could tear us apart. Like cardiac arrest will the things that keep us together survive another tragedy. Im not saying I would give up on her im just afraid to be torn apart by love its self.