love is a word i never have

ToughGirl

Warning : regret, stress, hesitation, pain, anxiety, un-confidence are packed within this whole damn story.

Let me start this by asking : is it true that everyone deserves the love they need?

As i sat on the couch i began to think and did the flashback in my mind about how un-lovable my life is/was.

I just reached my 20's this early year. let me tell you that i've been living with my mother alone as i was abandoned by the father that claimed to be mine. I love my mom. she means the world to me. but that's it. the love from a mother is all i've ever gotten so far in my life. i can't say that my mom is great, because she is amazing. but i dont want to be so naive to say that i dont need a man company at least once in my life.

i've been living in a world where if there's a girl, mature enough to be in a relationship, has never ever been touched by any guy, she'll be seen as an ugly and unfortunate human.

well, it's me that we're talking about. i just realized that so far in my life i've never been close to any guy. i had never been asked out by any guy. even in prom where everyone was bragging about their prom date. i had no one to go with as a date. seriously, no one.

of course i wonder: what is wrong with me? am i not good enough for anyone to like me?
i just wonder why do i always have so many friends, but i always ended up alone with no one to be personally care about my life.

the girls i've been hanging out with have always been consulting to me about their love life as if im their mom. tbh, im so sick of it. im so sick of how they always ask me about dating advice when they know im never been on a date even once.

a lot of my friends said that im a caring person with a lot of personality. well, if so, i supposed so many people will be attracted to me. but none of that existed.

the feeling of emptiness sometimes dissapeared when im with my family or friends, but then it came back when im alone. deep within my heart, i really need someone (a guy) who cares about me, wants to deal with me and my stupidity, wants to simply ask me out on a saturday night, or even wants to go any place with me.
sometimes there's a little sorrow in my heart when i see anyone is sharing their moment with their love together. dont get me wrong, im happy for them. but i just dont get it why does that never happen to me?

it's not that i hate my life because i think im ugly and no one will like me. it's just how i wonder why guys have never been attracted to me? is this because im not an approchable person? or are they afraid of me? or have i been very closed to the world outside? or just simply something in me doesn't deserved to be loved by anyone?

that's a lot of questions no need to be answered.