Words i use when i cry

Katherine

What is love? Is it cold, and mean? Just like life... Or is it something different? A love that will sweep you away, only too leave your core with a fuzzy warmth. And looking into your lovers eyes with contempt that he/ she is 'the one'. i wouldn't know, you see. I used too be in love, or so i thought. But love is just life, and just as cruel, just as heartless. I need , you, too tell me i'm wrong. That love DOES exist. That love IS real. Because I'm not so sure anymore.
this is my story...
The start of my depression, was startling. Like right then and there i realized, that life sucks. Nothing, anchored me down to earth anymore. Just family, and sometimes friends... Day dreams took over my days, and everything was imaginary. This is when i reached for the razor. Some of you know what i mean... I relied on that blade with all my life. Pain, would slowly go away from my heart, with a new and better pain on my arms. I cut myself, in other words... If you must know, I'm not emo, I'm NOT a faggot, and i definitely don't need you to tell me WHO i am. So any of you out there who judge anyone,EVER. Don't! because you never know why they do things or why they are like that.
I was lost. Truly lost. Not like when you loose your mommy in the middle of wall mart. But something different. I suffered long days of self- denial. My depression is not my fault, it's genetic. Which is worse, because i will always be depressed. Even if I'm happy... Then the day came, i met a boy.. Jeremy, i can tell you i was in love.. He was perfect, in everything. We would hold hands in the hallway, when teachers weren't looking. ( Bad school no PDA) Kiss in the stairwell, all the time. I was the first one too tell him i loved him. And when he said it back, that was the most wonderful moment of my life. Nothing felt better than that... We stayed together for six months , before he decided he wanted something better. Too this day i still don't understand, what this means. I told my friend, and she said that he was so stupid. Because everyone knew i was too good for him. I didn't think that though. I guess he was self- Conseded. But it doesn't matter. The day he broke up with me, was my birthday. And he knew this. I guess, he prank called my house phone all night. Then on the Monday, somebody random told me he broke up with me. I was too broken too cry. I never cry anymore. Months went past, and i started too get over him. Finally, the feeling was reliving. But, another boy.. asked me out and i desperately needed a rebound. So i said yes, and i really regret it. Because this boy is a freaking stalker. I didn't ever love him. But he was infatuated with me. Wouldn't ever leave me alone. i got away from him for a while... I broke up with him, after he ditched me for another girl.. HA, and she cheated on him. I laugh so hard.. :) But a weeks no less, i ended up with him AGAIN.. grr.. Then i met yet another boy. Now he was much older than me, and i wouldn't ever have a chance to be with him. But he was just perfect. Better than jeremy ever was... After that one day i couldn't stop thinking about him. It was hard. I talked to him occasionally. But it was never enough. And i don't know what to do, cause I'll never be with him. And i don't want too be, because i wouldn't EVER be able to see him... I'M so confused...
I'm currently, not so depressed. And I'm still being stalked, I'm still hung up on jeremy, and i love someone, or so i think... What's your opinion,,, what do i do???