Sad truths

Courtney

"What are you doing!?"

Josh was my sister's friend. He was new to the school his sophomore year and he was now a senior. I was a sophomore. I met Josh a few months prior at my sister's birthday party. I didn't talk to him much and there were many girls swooning over him since he was very attractive. I already knew I had no chance so I didn't even entertain the idea that he might notice me.

It was October, not far from Halloween. I was in shoprite looking for cookies and other snacks for a movie night my sister and I were planning since my dad would be leaving us alone for the night. I heard someone behind me say in a fake deep voice "what are you doing!?"

I quickly turned around to see Josh smiling at me. For a second I was confused until I realized he was talking to me. I nervously blurted out "I'm looking for cookies!" He laughed, pointed me towards the snacks aisle and went back to work.

Later that day he messaged me on Instagram. I was honestly shocked and I messaged back immediately. Some how I managed to invite him to the movie night with my sisters approval. Admittedly I had gotten a hold of some alcohol that night which I cant seem to fully remember now.

Josh came over and I was being a little dumb and definitely blushing. My sister didn't notice thankfully. Josh didn't say much but I remember at one point a picture fell from the wall and I was stumbling on the arm of the couch to put it back up. He was immediately behind me saying "let me help you". He helped me down and, with ease, placed the picture where it belonged. He didn't stay for long since he had just finished work.

Josh and I continued to talk and text. He was older, he seemed mature and calm. He was very sweet and he always made time for me.
The next memory I have was sitting in the alley way down the street from me. Him, my friend Sarah, and I. We were laying on the concrete looking at the clouds and the stars.

I slowly became very close with Josh. He gave me all of his attention. He was very sweet. I started to lie to my family a lot for him. I never saw anything wrong with an 18 year old that wanted to spend ALL of his time with a 15/16 year old. I found it daring that an older guy was into me. I started standing with him in the mornings at school, even though it meant I stood there quietly while he talked to his friends and then I'd run across the school to make the homeroom bell. I lived for him telling me I looked pretty every morning.

I started to tell my dad I was going for runs at night so I could go to his house and go on walks with him. Then I added to it by making excuses to go to shoprite all the time so i could walk with him to work or walk to meet him on his walk home. As I started to go over Josh's house more and more we turned into more than friends. I let him deflower me. I trust him with everything in me and I respected that he would ask me every day if it was okay until one day he didn't ask and I was okay with that because I felt ready. Time went on and the lies kept building up. Soon I realized how much alcohol Josh drank and how he'd go out every night and get drunk and he'd call and text me weird things.

Josh was an alcoholic. And every time I was there he'd place a drink in my hand. I'd put it down and he'd distract me with conversation, place the drink in my hand, and next thing I knew I had the familiar taste of captain Morgan or Jim bean on my tongue. Lingering disgustingly. I also realized that I hadn't been over his house once in the past two weeks without him wanting to have sex.

April fools day
I received a bad grade in school and my dad took my phone for almost 2 months. I had been messaging Josh on Twitter on my laptop. I wasn't allowed to see him and I could tell he was losing interest even though he assured me we'd make it work. He broke up with me on April fools day. But. There was a catch. I was still "his". It was just a break and he planned on coming back for me. I told him not to come back because I don't take breaks. If he didnt want me now he couldn't have me. He didn't agree.
We were apart for a week. He tried to talk to me every day but I was hurt and didn't want to talk to him. I ended up hooking up with my friend. For some reason I felt guilty.

Our break up was during spring break and that was coming to an end. I told josh I'd come return his hoodies, so me and my cousin went to his house. My cousin sat downstairs with his many siblings while me and josh sat upstairs in his room to talk. He told me he missed me and I said I missed him too. We talked about working on our relationship.
That night me and Josh were talking again. I felt like I needed to be honest and tell him about my hook up with my friend. Josh wasnt happy at all. And this is when it all started.

He started by trying to make me mad. He told me about the date he took his coworker on. He never took me on any dates. Then he started getting really mad. He was texting me second after second. Calling me. I was watching a movie with my grandparents who were upset I was on my phone. I excused myself for the bathroom but they paused the movie for me so I had to be quick.
I looked at my phone and I had 5 missed calls. I listened to the voicemail. It was nothing but screaming and cursing. Damning me and saying I was slut and saying I was his and only his. I had never known a man to be so angry before. Not at me at least.
And here is where all my freedom disappeared. I was now his. Without an option. I was only allowed to be his.
I was not allowed to have friends. Any second I was able to get away from my family I had to be with him. And all he could say to me was that he couldn't look at me but the only thing that could fix him from this was alcohol and sex. So I had to give him what he wanted, no matter how painful.

I was 16 at the time. I believed I loved this guy since he took my innocence. I believed that I was actually a piece of shit. A sex object. Every day he made sure I knew that I would pay for what I did. He started to become very suicidal and he was cutting himself very badly. I stopped sleeping because I couldn't trust him not to hurt himself. He would tell me he was taking pills and that he was fading. He'd say goodbye so many times. He'd say he wouldn't see the morning.

There were so many nights like this that I lost track. This went on for months. I finally tried to reconnect with some friends at school. I managed to tell my old best friends my situation. Everyone told me to leave him. They said I didn't deserve to be treated like this. I thought I deserved it. I couldn't leave him to hurt himself either. I finally grew the strength to say something. I told him that it had been months and he needed to stop guilting me. He argued that he was trying and that he's still trying to forgive me.

Another few weeks went by and I started avoiding him a little more every day. I tried telling him it was best if we took some space and time away from each other. Another thing he didn't like. He cornered me at school in the Hall but my friends helped me. Plus there were too many people watching. So he waited by my locker at the end of the day. He begged me to talk to him. I grabbed my books and tried to leave to catch the bus and he grabbed my arm very firmly. It was too tight. Too aggressive. Even he knew it was violent. A teacher walked into the hall and he quickly dropped my arm. I ran to catch the bus still not fully believing that was real.

The next day he gave me space. But then he was blowing up my phone again. Apologizing and saying he didn't mean it. I just kept telling myself he'd go away. Until I opened my locker. I will never get rid of those mental images.
In my locker was a yellow envelope that read "open at home". I should have listened.

It was a small black notebook with a soft cover. Everything happened so fast that I didn't even notice the blood soaked pages until I had the notebook open in my hand to a page so soaked with blood that the words were illegible. I dropped it. I knew exactly what it was. It was the blood of a man I still cared for. I was in school crying so much that I couldn't see where I was going. I threw the notebook in my locker and ran to the nearest bathroom. I finally made it to lunch. I told my friends to go to my locker and look inside. I couldn't keep this to myself. It took them a little bit but they finally convinced me to take the Notebook to the crisis counsellor.
To be brief, they sent josh away. He called me every night while he was locked away. I could never say much. I just kept telling him he better accept their help. They let him go after a week.

He didn't change though. Within a week he was back after sending me suicidal messages. But. This time. We weren't allowed to keep in contact. He still found ways to call me. I always had voice mails from him. Again. He was only gone a week.
This time when he got out I told him that we needed to end things. Again he was suicidal but everyone told me he was bluffing. He asked to see me one last time and so I went to see him. He convinced me to have sex with him one last time. Since I felt bad for all the hell he was going through and I actually believed I loved him, I agreed. On my walk home I received a call from his ex who I had been keeping updated on his behavior since many people cared about him. What she told me had me breaking down crying in the street. I felt humiliated and disgusted and disgusting and utterly betrayed. He sent her a video on snap chat of our... Goodbye.
I could have curled up in a ball and died right there.

I got home and told josh that he was never to talk to me again. There was some denial and other things exchanged but he was out of my life. Or so I thought.

I later found out that he had been seen stalking my house. He was seen outside of my friends house when I was there. He had been walking my block. Watching me. After about a month he grew a confusingly strog hate for me for leaving him. I'd get texts and things saying I was disgusting. Saying he'd have better sex with a cow. Saying I was worthless among other hurtful things. Those messages died off slowly.

August 2nd, 2015
I texted him this night. I was on vacation with my family. I had gotten really upset about something and i texted him. I simply asked if he still cared about me at all. The conversation wasn't long. He started off rude and bitter but then he cooled off. By the end of the conversation he told me he was going away he couldn't tell me where. He was always one to talk about running away but he never did it. I still didn't believe it. He said he'd even take me with him. I ended up going to sleep. I texted him a few times the next day with no answer.
My family and I headed home from vacation that day. After returning home a friend of my texted me apologizing. I asked what for. He asked if I knew and when I responded no he said he'd be over shortly.
I was no where near ready to hear what he was about to tell me.
Im waiting for my friend thinking through every scenario. I remembered that his grandmom had cancer and I was almost convinced that it was about her. Until he got there
No words
He pulls up a message on his phone.
It was a post from a girl in my school.
"RIP Josh"
I couldn't even finish it. I yelled at my friend. I told him he was lying.
I grabbed my phone and started texting and calling josh but he wouldn't answer. He'd never answer his phone again.
He tried to run away. He was shot and killed.
I was blamed for a while. His friends. His parents. I didn't get to go to his funeral or burial. I didn't even find his grave until almost a year after his death.
Slowly people stopped blaming me but I will always carry blame. His parents tell me that he was depressed before I came along. But that pain will never leave me.
Josh had his imperfections just like anyone else. But he was an amazing guy. He made me feel loved and important and he loved his family more than anything. He deserved so much more time.

Rest In Paradise Josh. My angel and my first love.