Everything I Wish I Could Tell You

Chandler Jones

This is kind of dumb that I wrote you a letter, actually it’s really dumb, it was just easier for me to express myself in this way. I know I’ve acted pretty immature about the whole situation, I’m sorry because I don’t mean half of the things that I’ve said to anyone. With ****, I was drunk and he was there, it kind of pisses me off that he said I came onto him, but whatever. I’m sorry you had to hear about that and I didn’t do it intentionally to hurt you, I just wanted to move on. This isn't me asking for you back or anything by the way because I know that wouldn’t do any good, just some stuff that has been on my mind for a really long time and I think it will help me get closure on us; which is what I think you want.

I finally realized that I fell for who I thought you were and tried too hard to make you into someone you clearly didn’t wanna be. I was so blindsided by my feelings that I didn’t see all of the red flags that I wasn’t what you wanted from the beginning. I put too much effort into trying to make sure you were happy with me, which I guess I know now wasn’t ever true.

It’s kind of ironic that you asked to be friends with benefits, after you spent so much time complaining about how all we did was hook up and didn’t talk enough. The main reason I’m mad about how everything ended is because you just assumed that I was SOOO whipped for you that I would be okay with basically being your booty call and there for your convenience while you hooked up with other girls. With our communication problem, I would constantly try to talk to you because I wanted an actual relationship with you, which I think is normal for someone to want when they saw what I saw in you. I wanted you to feel comfortable with coming to me when you were sad or stressed and just letting me be there for you. It's crazy how much I cared about you, honestly. I wanted to spoil you for your birthday and go watch all your football games. I wanted to be able to talk about everything together and for you one day to tell me about stuff like your mom. I wanted it all with you, but mostly I just wanted us to have fun together, make happy memories and grow up together for awhile. But I guess that wasn’t enough… I guess I wasn’t enough.

Maybe we weren't perfect but we weren't expected to be because this is high school. I think about all the good things with us too and it makes me want to go running back to you, every time. I loved you but there's no point in loving someone who doesn't feel the same way. I deserve someone that actually wants to be with me and is willing to go through ups and downs to be together. I can’t believe how pathetic I was to spend hours worrying about us or waiting for you to respond. You made me feel so insecure about myself and unimportant to you with all the inconsistent feelings you gave me. Being with you was lonely. I just wanted to be a part of your life and you closed me off from it a lot of the time. You were literally too ashamed of being with me to even let me meet your dad. It just wasn't healthy whatsoever and maybe we were too immature for this or it would have been different if you actually wanted me. I’m not saying I don’t miss us because I do, everyday, but I wish I didn’t because there’s no point in missing someone who doesn’t miss you back.
I felt like you never really put effort into telling me what you wanted and I guess I should’ve taken hints from things like you ditching my birthday plans to go to a party or kissing another girl while I wasn’t there. I don’t know why I didn’t just end things after the party bus because someone that genuinely wanted to be with me and also respected me would never have put me through that. Everyday after you kissed that girl, it was always in the back of my head - you kissing a girl the same way you had always kissed me, which still hurts.
But this relationship did teach me a lot, it taught me what kind of guy I actually deserved. You gave me a distraction from all the pain I went through daily at ****** and you taught me how to be with just one person and how special that can be. You also showed me how important it is to keep my guard up because you gave me my first heartbreak. Yeah, I don't know if I want you in my life right now and I honestly don't know when I will because you damaged me, you changed me for the better but also fucked me over in a lot of other ways. I just feel so stupid for fighting to make this work with you for so long; that's what I regret more than anything is putting in so much effort for someone to be with me when they were clearly pulling away.

I still hear certain songs or drive by places and remember always holding hands, your smile, or the comfort of just having you, and it breaks me apart. Sometimes, I miss your presence and being in your arms. But sometimes, I wish I could forget about all of it and not feel anything when I see you. You were a big part of my life, you were even before this thing and you still are. I genuinely want the best for you like I always have. I am kind of upset right now but I still want you to find exactly what you're looking for because you made it clear that it wasn't me. I just hope you let someone into your life one day and accept that they care about you because I really did. I want you to know that I will always be here for you, even if I hate you or we haven’t talked in two years, I just want you to know that. I’m sorry for everything I did wrong and I would take a lot of it back if I ever had the chance. I should’ve stayed that fun girl that wanted to go out every weekend with you. I don't wanna lose you as a person in my life forever and maybe us talking about this right now will help me get to a place where we can go back to before all of this because you were someone I wanted to be around, things were so much easier then, and “us” didn’t exist. I just need to accept everything that has happened and how you actually feel about me.