Shadows of love

Kat

I was young, stubborn, innocent and venerable. It still hurts to see you. I wasted 2 years of my life on you. A player. Someone who was cheating on me behind my back. Not once. Not twice. But 4 times. That why I'm here to say:
Someday you'll regret this. You'll regret walking away. And when you do don't come running back to me because I will get over you too.

At the same time someday you'll be so very grateful you left because you won't be stuck with me forever. You'll instead get a girl who might be prettier, who doesn't have as many problems and issues as I do. She will give you all you ever want. Just like I tried to do. But, I hope you never get tired or bored of her and leave her like You did to me. Why? Because that hurts it hurts to love someone and watch them walk away. It's heartbreaking.

Let me tell you though, despite the fact that she is pretty, is perfect, and gives you everything she has; NO ONE could EVER love you as much as I do....did.

Goodbyes are hard. I hate talking to people face to face after goodbyes. In this town though it's impossible not to run into them again. It's awkward. So many memories come back. And let me tell you when I run into you in the halls or on the street or wherever, once in the mall up north; all the memories come flooding back. Those were some of the best times in my life. You have given me some of my favorite laughs and smiles. You gave me something to smile and laugh about. Maybe that's what took me so long to get over you. Maybe that's why I let you in so many times even though I knew it would never work out and I'd only get hurt. You can't just leave anymore, I won't let you leave ever again. Why? Because you already left and I'm Not gonna let you back in. Therefore, you can't ever leave. Because leaving only breaks hearts. Or heals hearts... You did both for me.
I will miss out and maybe I never fully will get over you but, right now I'm letting you know I'm not going to let you come running back expecting to be able just to come back. Because following that will be a bunch of lies and talking behind my back. I wish I could say I didn't care when I saw you leaving me behind. I was so vulnerable. I fell for EVERY single lie. That is till I started to check your words. Now I'm not even sure if a single word you ever said to me was true. That hurts. BAD. And I'm sick of it!!! I'm sick of it all. And I've tried to be the one to leave for once but, you always beat me to it then come run back because I've let you every other time so why not again. Oh, I know why. Because I'm not as stupid as I was.

When you told me you liked me a lot and then ignored all of my texts unless I had something for you, That's when I realized what an idiot I am. How stupid I was to tell everyone they were wrong about you. Let me tell you. You might be a great friend but, you're a terrible boyfriend! And even if you weren't actually my boyfriend just my "thing" guy you were still terrible at it.

I'm sorry but, this time I'm saying no. I'm saying not this time. I'm sorry. And maybe ten years down the road we run into each other. Maybe we can talk like friends instead of awkward enemy's. I'll be sure to invite you to my wedding when I find a man who can love me as much as I love him.

We just had a fight. Well, I don't know if you can call it a fight. But, apparently you thought I was blaming you for something when I wasn't. That's one of the problems we had in our relationship. Communication. I usually let you get your way just to avoid fighting with you. I now realize what you were really doing was using me. And I let you. I let you tell me who to be and what to do. That hurt. I gave you my worth. I put my worth in your hands and you destroyed it. I fell into this pit of bitterness and hatred for myself because if you couldn't love me I couldn't love myself. STUPIDEST CHOICE I EVER MADE!!! Ha, I let a boy define me! What an idiot.
We both said some pretty stupid things. Some of which I wish I could take back. Mostly I just regret not saying certain things to you. But, it's over now so I can't.

I've always believed that people deserve another chance. I now realize that There's a reason for only second chances. I gave you so much more than you deserved and I deserved so much more than you. No, I deserved more than you were willing to give me. You were selfish. It was always kiss and dis. And by kiss I don't mean actually kiss, I mostly mean kiss up...except that one time when you literally kissed and dissed. Funny how quick I was to forgive you.

Want to know something else? The word sorry means nothing to me when it comes from you. Maybe if you were so sorry you were on your knees crying begging for forgiveness then maybe I'd believe you. But, I don't. You say sorry so much that at this point it's the word used most in our relationship. Or what was a relationship. You see, you can only say sorry so many times. After that a relationship fails. Because when all you do is say sorry you don't have time to do the things we need to do. Or needed to do. Now it's too late. And I can almost guarantee that you're going to want me to try again. You've even implied it. But, I won't let you. You want to skip the just friend faze. And I'm not letting you. Just friends is the only way I will go because I know I'll just get hurt. You're toxic.

I wonder if I ever hurt you. Part of me hopes not but, the other part hopes I did...because that means you actually cared. Even just a little. Man I miss you. Ok maybe I just miss the things we did. The laughs the smiles. The teasing, the memories. Stolen shoes and jackets. Getting a sliver out during a football game. Your sodas dew dripping on me at the movies. That's what I miss. I miss your hugs too. Man, we had some pretty fun times. Well, I don't know if you did but, I did. I hope you did.
Either way someday you'll thankfully regret. And be regretfully thankful. At least I hope you will.

Maybe if I would have kissed you in the beginning. But, I didn't because I wasn't going to put my standards down. I promised myself not to kiss anyone till I was 16 and if I couldn't or wouldn't of kept that promise I wouldn't have been able to trust myself. And if I couldn't trust myself who could. No one.

You see there are so many maybes. Maybe if this, maybe if that. All these maybes just show how toxic this all was. So many maybes that it just wouldn't work out cause we did all the wrong things. All the wrong things. I doubt you'll ever hear this but, if you do maybe the many maybes that could have been will hit you and you'll realize how maybe I could have stayed...but I didn't. Cause while I was teaching you that you could always come back into my life you were teaching me I didn't have to stay in anyone's life. Because you didn't.

All the pain. All the words. All of it. Good And bad I don't deserve what you think I do. I deserve better. Neither of us deserve each other because in our own ways we aren't good enough for each other.

I remember the day after I found out my grandpa had passed away I was so hurt and numb I didn't know what to do. I texted you... big mistake. You did end up opening the text and reading it. You even replied. Except all it said was I'm sorry. You see my summer wasn't exactly heavenly in fact I was done with it before it even started. You didn't seem to care. You made up excuses. You said I'm sorry when I needed something else. You see I DONT NEED ANY IM SORRYS. I DONT EVEN NEED AN IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO's. Because even if I said yes nothing would have happened. What I needed; no what every human deserves is actions. You see I needed a hug. I needed some ones shoulder to cry on. I needed someone like you. But, you were too stubborn. That sums up out relationship pretty much. And that's why I hate what we had. And why I'm over you.