I love him but I'm not his anymore

Shenaz Miah

I met Dan through a dating app. I wasn't looking for anything if I am being honest, just going with the flow and seeing what happens. I didn't expect to fall in love with him and end up with a broken heart within a year of meeting him...

I thought he was going to be that type of guy who wanted sex or dirty pictures, he didn't. He was looking for a girl with a nice personality and someone who he would get along with. I didn't like him much at first but I decided to give him a chance. I didn't find him that attractive either. We exchanged snapchats and phone numbers after messaging on the app for a few days. We spoke so much and had an instant connection. He made me laugh and smile. He became so attractive after that. I thought about him a lot, he consumed my mind all time time. I loved it! Then he rang me. We spoke for hours that day about everything and anything. He was so easy to talk to. I knew something was there. I realised that week that I was falling for him. I didn't want to as I didn't want to get hurt or become too attached to him but I couldn't stop myself, I had fallen in love with him. I had known him for couple of months but I had fallen in love for the first time in my life. It showed me that I had never fallen for the other guys who I had been with, it was more of lust or infatuation. With Dan, it was love. Something that I had never ever felt before. The months went on and I grew to love him more and more. We met up in person a few times and it was amazing. I was so happy! I had lost my grandma a couple of years ago and I changed and then I lost my closest friends. They deserted me for no reason. I thought, I had found love, happiness, the man who was my future, my everything. He was so supportive and caring and just there for me through university exam period. He was my biggest cheerleader and my best friend. He made me laugh so much and I was never afraid to be myself with him. I started seeing a future with him, a beautiful future. We spoke about the future a lot. A future together. A future apart wasn't what I imagined...

He dropped a bomb on me and like all bombs, I never saw it coming and it completely destroyed me. This happened exactly a month ago. You see Dan is Iranian. Brought up in the UK but Iranian by birth and culture. His family had chosen a girl for him from Iran. It was arranged marriage and unfortunately, in this day and age, they still happen. We broke up. We had to. He told me that he was so sorry for everything and my world was crashing down. It was over. The man I loved, wasn't mine anymore and I couldn't do anything about it. He can't do anything either. I wanted him to fight for what he wants! I wanted him to fight for me! I still want him to but he’s given up! Why!! He is such a confident man but he doesn't have the guts to say no to his family. It’s his future! Why can’t he say no!? I wish so badly that he would but they’re his family but his family should understand if they want him to be happy. They can’t force him to go through with it. He chose to let me go though. He told me that we should stay friends and I agreed. We hardly spoke after the day he told me everything but recently, we started speaking here and there. 4 weeks had passed and we spoke on the phone a few days ago and I kind of wish we hadn't as his feelings for me are still there. He told me that he doesn't want her. I do wish that he would text me or call me saying he isn't going through with it and wants to be with me an only me but I know that isn't going to happen. He isn't happy though. I want him to be happy even if it is without me. I want him to love her, I want her to love and care about him and give him the future he needs to be happy forever. My heart will hurt but it will heal. He doesn't say it but he wants me. He loves me. I love him. He wants me to move on and forget him but how can I move on and forget him, he has given me so much to remember him by. I cry so much. I will cry for a long time but I will get over it, hopefully... So many songs and places remind me of him, of us. My poor heart is in pieces. It is broken. I feel as though I will never find anyone like him, no other man will love me and accept me for me like he did. I don't want to fall in love ever again. I feel like giving up but I am not a coward, I have so much left to live for. I miss him so much. I miss him every single day but I know that I will have to carry on. Maybe one day, I will find love again with the right person. Right now I just want to be alone. I need to be find happiness again by myself and then I will be ready to love again, well I hope so anyway. I will never stop missing him or stop thinking of him because he will always be in my heart forever. I will have to let him go though and move on. That’s all I can do.

They say that everything happens for a reason so, I hope that one day when I look back on this period of my life, I will smile and think to myself 'I'm glad that happened'. He came into my life for a reason. He isn't a mistake, just someone who taught me to love and be myself no matter what but I love him and he will always be in my heart. I’ll tell my future husband about him and my children because he was my first love even though it had a sad ending, you can never ever forget your first love. I wish he was my first and last love though.