I screwed up

Ethan

I have done a lot of thing's in my life that I am not proud of, but this, this is the worst. It's the start of my freshman year in college I figure out that there is an app to find people that live around you that are gay...I use this app, meet some people, talk to some people. Then I continuously message this one guy for a long time, hoping that he responds, one night after a concert he finally responds we talk for a bit, and plan on meeting so we meet on October 26th, 2016. It was the best night of my life, in a Walmart parking lot I met this man full of smiles, nervousness, and happiness he gets into my vehicle and we talk forever, and ever. The next day he asks me to do something with him so we go and hangout for the day, it was magnificent I finally thought to myself "I found someone that I can be happy with forever." that all changed in the eight months we were together.

It was a great eight months he treated me amazing, and I treated him horribly, cheating, lying, and being a douche. Finally we break it off after eight months. I did this, I did this to myself we exchanged emails for a long time and now here I am November 1st, 2017 single, and alone..I screwed everything up with the man of my dreams all because of a horrible decision that I made, and lied about. It wasn't worth it because i crave for his attention know yet, I still always screw it up when he asks me to hangout and I always say no, I don't know why, I don't know if I am scared or nervous or what. But I wish that I could fix it, and it is never going to happen, so here I am a year later with suicidal thoughts, a broken heart, and memories that I'll never be able to lose, thinking about someone I will never be able to make memories with again...

Moral to the story, don't ever do anything wrong with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, it isn't worth it, nor will it ever be. I miss him everyday and I won't ever be able to get him back again because of my stupid mistakes that I regret every single damn day...