Last effort I'll make at "love"

Rushdan Akinfenwa

This is a story about my second and last effort at loving anybody.

They always say to you that "true love will triumph over others". And I can say to you that that's not true. Not for me at least.

We were both 13 at the time, and we'd just been transitioned from elementary to middle school. I first met her during our English class. I'm still not used to the settings of a government school, so I'm rather quiet. She's the school's brightest student but everybody hated her on how she is always answering all the questions and being outspoken and really confident in herself, but she has no friends at the time. She was alone.

I learned her name when we were doing a group work which is to introduce and say a bit about ourselves using the English language. Shankri's her name. The moment I first looked at her face, I fell for her. My heart beats with irregular tempo. My body's shaking. I couldn't manage to say my name with her beautiful, starry eyes looking deep into me. She realized that I'm struggling and she puts both her palms on my arms and says "You can do it, come on". Then I whispered my name. She let go of my arms. A Malay guy falling in love with an Tamil Sri Lankan Hindu is unheard of, but I foolishly believed that it's worth the try.

After that intro, everyday of my school life, I spent it with her everytime I can. She doesn't really have any friends at the time, so I thought it'd be nice of me to accompany her and prevent her from being alone. We never really talked much because I'm still awkward with girls at the time and she was my crush so it was much worse, but I cherished every moment we spent, being together with no one else around.

Fast forward 2 years later, we were 15. She'd become the hottest sensation in the school. Everybody wanted to be friends with her, everybody looked up to her, everybody wanted to be as smart as her, but nobody was interested in her as a companion. Most people thought her as "not pretty". But still, people treated her like a god. I, however, are still average in everything, and people just really know me as the school clown, the funny guy, that sort of stuff. I started texting her on that year. She was using her mom's phone. I'm gonna cut all the fillers because just hearing her name turned me into crumbles of dust.

One of my friend picked up that I liked her and he told everybody at school that an average Malay guy fell in love with this smart, Tamil girl. It became the hot topic for months. Our friendship is severely strained during these time. She rarely answers my texts and she avoided me at school. I know I'm losing her but at the time I was still naïve and believed that "love will triumph above others".

Small events of her trying to distance herself from me happened. One of those is she told my friend to not give permission to me for going to his festive celebration party at his house. At first I thought my friend was just fucking with me. Then, I asked her bestfriend(I was not her bestfriend anymore at the time, she shoved me too far) if she knows anything and she revealed to me that it was Shankri who banned me from that party. I felt so betrayed. This girl, who I'd once saved from cutting herself, now turned her back on me, completely. But I foolishly still put hopes on her. Wrong move, it is.

I confronted her about this at the school and she said "Yeah you creeped me out and I don't feel comfortable around you" and I felt so confused and angry. Then she asked me "What do you really sees me as? Am I a friend or a crush to you?"
Then I said "Yes it's true I had a crush on you but I only consider you as just a friend because we're still studying and I don't wanna bother you from being a successful person."
Then she told me that we could still be friend. But I know something's not right. I know that after all of this time, she doesn't really wants me to even be friends with her. She just wanna go away from me.

The next year, 2017, I had exhausted myself from all the efforts of trying to be a nice person and not being appreciated over and over again. The killing blow in our friendship for me is when her bestfriend, that same girl who told me about the party shit, told me that Shankri really hates the sight of me but she feels too sorry for me, and she only forced herself to talk to you..

That does it to me, I've had it with all this bullshit. That night, I swore to myself to never fall in love again for the rest of my life, because it is useless and not worth the effort. That it is all fake and it's only in the films. That night, every golden moments, the recess we spent together, the book I gave to her. The only photograph of her where she smiles and poses instinctively because I took the pic, I had to let it all go. 4 years of being there for her.

I'm sorry if my story is too short but I just couldn't write any longer. My fingers are shaking, my breaths are heavy, my mind is killing me, all the old memories. I'm writing this while crying a river.

I doubt you'd read this Shank, but just know, I miss you. I miss the extra curriculum classes we spent together. I miss the sight of your eyes and how I'd just get lost in that beautiful eyes of yours. I miss the way you combed the front of your hair with your hand. Goodbye, my little princess.