Depression recovery

Sarah Jones

I’m a survivor of depression - I’ve just come out of what I call a dark tunnel -
so why did my depression start?????

Well let me rewind my life........I grew up with my mum, dad and younger sister plus a really close family who were nan, grandad, aunties, uncles and cousins, we spent lots of time at my grandparents house, it was like a base for the whole family.
My mum worked in a nursing home of which I remember her working some night shifts and me and my sister would go with my dad to pick my mum up about 7.30am then go home for breakfast and to get ready for school, my dad had his own butchers shop, then when I was about 8 years old my mum started childminding this gave her the chance to work as well as be there for me and my sister.
When I was 9 years old my nan and grandad went on holiday the night before they were flying they came to our house for tea and they said they would bring back a present for the grandchildren, 2 days into their holiday we got a terrible phone call to say my grandad had been taken ill, it turned out to be salmonella food poisoning, he was so poorly, after 4 days of him getting worse rather than better my Aunty and uncle flew over to see him, sadly 1 week after he passed away ???? this was a shock and a heartbreaking time for the whole family but it bought the family even closer together and to be there for my nan as much as possible, me and my older cousin would be at my nans near enough every weekend, my nan just loved having the company due to being in such a big house on her own.
A year later my dads brother passed away this was another tough time for the family, he was my dads only family really as my dads mum and dad passed away when I was about 2 years old.

Then my dad gave up the shop and he became a ring and ride driver which he is still doing now, about 4 years later my dad found out he was diabetic which he was unhappy about but luckily it’s been ok to manage with tablets.
A year later my nan tripped and fell down the stairs and banged her head, she was rushed to hospital and had to have an emergency brain operation, she was really poorly for at least 6 months,

Within this time I was 15 and doing my exams at school, one day my exams didn’t start till 10.30, I was walking through the park to school and I suddenly heard quick footsteps to which someone grabbed me and dragged me in these nearby bushes, I saw who it was and he was gripping me so tight then he raped me, I was petrified and just couldn’t get away at all, it happened so quickly and he just said thank you and left me, I didn’t understand, i just remember being so frightened and I just froze then I was sick, all that was in my head was that I needed to get to school for my exam but I got to school and was sick again so the teacher sent me home, I went to the doctors as soon as I was sent home, I just remember walking up to the reception desk in a kind of daze and saying that I needed to see a nurse or doctor, I saw a nurse straight away luckily who did some routine checks and said I was fine, she gave me a leaflet for any help or advice, I just said thank you and I thought she would contact my parents but she said it was all confidential so I just went home, I went straight upstairs and in the shower for about 20 mins, I didn’t want to get out, my dad was at work and mum was downstairs she just thought I was poorly, I went straight to bed and just cried, I was suppose to be going to see my nan in hospital but I just couldn’t go, weeks and weeks went on and I just kind of felt numb inside and I still hadn’t told anyone.

2 months after my attack we found out my nan had memory loss, this was a lot to take in for my whole family but we were just glad we still had her in our lives, then another 2 months later my nan became really unwell and we found out she had cancer, the hospital did inform us that she wouldn’t make it till Christmas but we all stayed positive, on Halloween me and all my cousins were all at my nans house, while our parents were visiting our nan, at 7.00pm all the parents came back and this was so unusual as at least 1 person always stayed with my nan, they broke the news to us that nan passed away at 3.30 in the afternoon, it was a long and emotional night and the next day,
The best way to describe it was that we had lost the rock of the family, then we had the funeral to contend with.
All this time had gone on and I still hadn’t told anyone about my attack........I mean how could I when everyone was so unhappy while my nan was so poorly and then when she passed away I still couldn’t tell anyone, my nan was more important,
We all grieved about my nan for quite a few months due to being so close to her.

When I left school I did 2 years at college which was a total waste of time because the course and tutors were terrible, I finished college and got a job straight away working in a children’s soft play area and restaurant to start earning some money.
Between the age of 16 - 19 I had 2 boyfriends who both treated me badly, both physically and mentally so my trust in men was just gone and I just wanted to be on my own.

I decided to learned to drive when I was 19 to give me something to focus on and I passed my test when I was 20 this was brilliant because it meant that I had my own independence. Whilst I was learning to drive I got a new job working in retail which I really enjoyed.
When I was 19 I met John who is now my fiancé, he was so nice and never pressured me into anything, we got on so well and enjoyed each other’s company, we officially got together when I was 20 Just before we moved in together when I was 23 I fell pregnant with our first baby I was so scared of telling John but luckily he was really happy, I had a terrible pregnancy, just sick all the time and the birth was really traumatic, I ended up having an emergency c-section then I got an infection so took me ages to recover, this was so difficult as I felt I hadn’t bonded with my baby, when I had recovered I only had a bout 5 months till I had return to work so I just had to enjoy the rest of my maternity leave as much as possible.

Work was really difficult, I just never wanted to be there as didn’t want to leave my baby, I ended up really down and emotional, my head was all over the place, this went on for months. Then I gave in and went to the doctors, I explained everything that was bothering me and he confirmed I had depression when my son was 2 years old. So I was signed off work and I was off for a few months, I had some counselling and some group therapy as well as 3 different types of tablets. Then one day I saw a different doctor and she instantly made me better, i don’t even know how, but I walked out of the surgery and it was like I’d just come out of the dark tunnel.
I have now started doing my level 3 in childcare and I’m working full time in a nursery, I’m really proud of myself.