Goodbye my almost lover

Chana Lei

I wasn't exactly looking for love that time. I was a girl who just want to have friend. I sign up on that online dating app without any intention of attaching myself to anyone. I was happy I got a lot of messages, people who wants to meet me, who wants to know me more. They always asked me about my weird hobby. Sleeping.People who shower me compliments. And some people who spoke nasty words. Well that's life. There's always good and bad.

But of all those messages your message was the one that pissed me off! To the point of almost blocking you. For some reason. I didn't. I replied. So I'm ugly huh? And yeah, I was thinking, maybe its his way to got my attention. And sure it was. And that's the start of our day and night conversation. I was so happy talking to him over the phone and video calling. I got to know him well, all about his background and family. But for me I didn't even disclose my whole real name. He did asked but I always change the topic so he won't pressed the issue. And I think he understands or maybe he doesn't just mind at all. One day he stops sending me messages. I was worried. But I don't wanna text him because I don't want him to know that I already care for him. After 2 weeks, I received a call from him asking if he can come over to my place. I don't know what to say. I want him to come but I don't want to attach myself to someone. Coming in my place is like opening up myself to him. I ignore my thoughts and just went on to my feelings. And there I saw him across the street. Smiling at me. I almost cried. God how I miss this man. He slowly approach me. And throw his arms around me. I wasn't expecting that. But hugged him back. And he said "Hi Babe, nice meeting you. Sorry I got sick..and I just got out from the hospital yesterday. " At the moment whatever He's saying doesn't matter anymore. I just wanna feel his warm embrace. I heard him laugh. And I felt my cheeks blushed. "What am I doing, hugging this person whom I just met for the first time." From then on, every time He is free or I am free we made sure that we have time together, go shopping, go out or just sit on his car and talk about anything. We hold hands nothing else. He respected me a lot. And that"s what I love him the most. He never took advantage of me. Even If He knows that I like him a lot.

And then realization hit me hard. What am I doing. Why am I hurting him? So the best way I can do is to stop seeing him. Stop the communication. I remember one time. We were on his car. And I have this song playing on my phone. The title is "How can you heal a broken heart" and I asked him about that. He said. "Ill just kiss you. and I just rolled my eyes. I told him. To heal a broken heart you just need to accept that it's over. that you're not meant to be. I told him If I'll say I"m done, don't text me anymore because I'm really and no one can change my mind." After I said those words before. I had this feeling to take back my words but I don"t know why I didn't. So after all the thoughts, I remember..I wasn't looking for love. It was all my fault, I let my emotion took over my mind. The day I told him that I will stop texting him is the last time I heard him. I know he took my advice seriously. That if I'm done, never bother me again. I miss him so much. I miss the laugh, the good times, the way he held my hand tightly, the nightly talk before I go to sleep. I wish I met you earlier. I wish I had love you before anyone. The night before my flight, I was busy packing my things. I saw the notebook whom we used to write silly things for each other. My tears blinded my eyes. How I miss you so much. In that moment I wish to see you one last time. To hear your voice. And before I know it my phone is ringing and I couldn't believe my eyes. It just keep on ringing I don't have the courage to answer it because I know I'm gonna broke down. All my defenses will be gone. But you keep on calling. I pressed received call. No one dared to speak first. I can hear your breathing. And I said, I'm sorry. You replied. can I come see you, I miss you so much..please whatever I did for you to stop messaging me maybe I can work it out just don't leave me hanging"..I cried so hard. I couldn't speak..What did I do. Why did it come to that point that you need to beg for me. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve you. As I found the will to answer I told him "I've never been honest with you" And what he said broke my heart so bad that I wish I could turn back time to just love him alone. "No matter who you are I don"t care. I love you Baba. I turned my phone off after I heard him say that. I've been so selfish. So bad. I really don't deserve him. He needs someone who can love him faithfully and honestly. And I am not the person who can do that. Because I am married.