Suicide story

Keeley

Imagine if you were standing there on the edge, imagine if you were lying there your arms soaked in your own blood or imagine if all the light in your life vanished and you were consumed by darkness.

My life seemed normal to others, I was a 14-year-old boy who went to school and that was all they knew about me, but it’s not like they ever care as it’s the people in school that made me feel this way. I had one best friend and his name was Noah. Society tells you you’re not good enough that you are too ugly and that you don’t belong. However, society changes when you are dead, they suddenly care and act like they were a beneficial part of your life. But why should I care? I’ll be dead anyway.

My family moved to another country when I turned 12 years old. I found the move very difficult and really missed my old friends and family back in my home country. My parents kept moving to different states and towns and I had to go to four different high schools, which I found very hard. I was also really not getting along with my father and we were fighting a lot. I was always new at school and found it very hard to adjust and make new friends. An outcast, I was bullied and hardly had any friends.

When I was 12 I attempted suicide for the first time and within a year and a half I attempted suicide 3 times. After my third attempt I told my friend that I had attempted the night before, and then she went to the school counselor and told him. But this didn’t matter because I knew I would do it again tonight and succeed.

The one sane part of my mind is screaming at me to stop! That I should turn around and live my life with the girlfriend that has my heart. But the rest of me reminds me of the terrors I’ve faced in this world like the roaring flames that consumed my family or the disease that is claiming the lives of my grandparents.

My girlfriend means the world to me but if I do this, she will be a lot better off without me because she can do a lot better than a depressed person like me. She tried to take me to her mum, who is a therapist but it didn’t help. This is before I found out that my grandparents had LUNG CANCER!!

Someone told me to pull the trigger, pull the trigger ain’t no body gonna do it for you, so pull the trigger!!! After that I really wanted to kill myself. So I was thinking to myself when should I do it I decided to do it at the weekend and I would make letters for the people who made me do this to myself.

So I started writing the letters. The first person on there was Isla-May Thomas even though she wasn’t a reason why I killed myself, I wanted to tell her how much I loved her. I wrote:

Dear Isla,
I love you so much, I’m so sorry I had to go, you will be a lot better off without me. The main people who made me kill myself are Brett Gellar, Sean Stone, Elijah Dovely, and Blake Sugar.

I know we both thought that we would get married one day and have children but there were too many people made me feel like I didn’t belong. Thank you for all the memories. You make me the happiest boy on earth and I say this without the slightest bit of exaggeration. Your jokes are so ridiculous. They always catch me off guard and have me rolling on the floor because of uncontrollable happiness. I have not met anyone else who has the same insanely childish, but extremely refreshing humor that you have. Your stories, on those rare moments you let yourself be vulnerable in front of me, are so captivating. Of course, I thought to myself, you have to have come from all those complexities in order to be as remarkably awesome as you are now. And our love, our love was a thing that burned ever so fiercely. At times it became too hot it hurt, but for the most part, it gave me an unparalleled warmth. It was a kind of love that embraced my whole being and nestled me in its gentle comfort.

All these memories I shared with you have played a great role in shaping the person that I am today. I know, it’s unlike me to sound pathetically cheesy, but it’s the truth. The person I am now: Gentle, genuine, and childlike is a product of our memories. Talking to you made me see this world with much more vigor and excitement. Having to tell you about my day heightened my observation of people, things, events, and pushed me to really see what’s new and special about each experience. You made it possible for me to be truly present. Since you, nothing was ever mundane. Every day became an adventure needed to be shared and I can’t thank you enough for that.

I’m grateful for your kindness. From all my weird quirks to my occasional indifference, you generously accepted them all. Truthfully, I don’t know what it is that compels you to admire me so much. I am way more flawed than the perfect individual you perceive me to be. Nonetheless, because of your enormous belief in me, I was convinced that I, too, ought to have a little more faith in myself. And in being at ease with who I am, I was able to build better relationships with the people around me. I became much less insecure, distant and downright acerbic. You made it easier for me to allow people in my life and was much happier because of that. Thank you.
I love you soooo much I really don’t want to go but I have to as I was born at the wrong time and wrong place.
Good bye
Jake

P.S. never forget me I will always be looking down at you. Tell my mum I love her, miss her and tell her to only invite you and family and Noah no one else as most of the rest of them made me kill myself.